tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-181955912024-03-13T19:43:56.034-04:00Sedated GorillaRyanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.comBlogger214125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-44904817440776319702010-02-05T11:12:00.002-05:002010-02-05T11:20:46.623-05:00R.I.P.Due to a complete lack of intelligence and good judgement I have agreed to join, along with my peer pressuring cousins, what is known as the Polar Bear Club this Sunday. <div><br /></div><div>As a result, I would like to take this time to announce that the funeral service for my genitalia will take place on Wednesday the 10th at 10AM, and the public viewing will be held anytime you want baby.</div><div><br /></div><div>More details to follow.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-9354819977989489152010-01-26T11:23:00.001-05:002011-07-30T15:49:26.375-04:00Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew?This morning I found myself in a difficult situation. The boat portion of my journey to work had only just commenced when a slight chill lead to my hands being placed into my coat pockets. My left hand met with some unknown object that caused a crinkling noise upon collision. I took hold of this item and pulled it out to discover it was....a half-full bag of skittles.<div><br /></div><div>What an unexpected delight! Few things are as sweet as rediscovered candy you somehow forgot about. Even then it is normally a yellow <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">starburst</span> you weren't in the mood for 3 days ago, or 6 nerds that escaped as you tried to open the box, so a find of this magnitude filled me with seven kinds of joy.</div><div><br /></div><div>I smoothed out the bag and anticipated dumping as them down my gullet until I gagged. I was fully enthused and downright elated at the thought. I was going to suck off Roy G <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Biv</span> until I taste the rainbow. Gross! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Yay</span> Candy!</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Ryan's Brain</b>: Hey buddy. Hold on one second. Aren't you forgetting something?</div><div><b>Ryan</b>: Maybe, but I'm not even sure what kind of wine goes with Skittles.</div><div><b>Ryan's Brain</b>: No friend. It's 8:05 in the MORNING.</div><div><b>Ryan</b>: I'm not following you.</div><div><b>Ryan's Brain</b>: You can not eat candy for breakfast! It's not healthy or socially acceptable.</div><div><b>Ryan</b>: That's very close minded of you.</div><div><b>Ryan's Brain</b>: OK. Look at it this way. You are sitting in the middle of a large group of people. If they seem some lunatic chugging skittles at 8 in the morning they will take notice and remember. Do you want to be known as "The Candy Guy" or even worse, "Skittles O'Rourke."</div><div><div><div>They will be pointing and laughing every day!</div><div><b>Ryan</b>: Fine! I will wait until I get to work and hide in the bathroom.</div><div><b>Ryan's Penis</b>: Whoa!! Guys look at that girl's tits!!</div><div><b>Ryan's Mouth</b>: "Holy shit those are nice!"</div><div><b>Ryan's Brain<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">LOL</span> Mouth you idiot!</span></b></div><div><b>Ryan</b>: I hate you guys</div><div><br /></div><div>And that's exactly how it happened. I had to pass on my favorite thing, instant gratification, for fear of the social stigma of AM <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Candyman</span>.</div><div><br /></div></div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-82975923152837527452010-01-21T10:26:00.002-05:002010-01-21T15:49:28.113-05:00Things I wish I SaidWe all have had countless moments in our lives where, due to nerves, not thinking quick enough on our feet or just plain stupidity, we have failed to say the right thing. This realization can come much later on, or before a sentence is finished escaping from your dumbass mouth. Lately (lets say the past 18 years or so) I have been thinking about this quite a bit.This is a list of things I should have said instead.<div><br /></div><div><i>"No. I think that is an awful idea."</i></div><div><i>"I have no clue where we are. let's ask someone."</i></div><div><i>"I enjoy both your personality and looks. What say you and I go on a date?"</i></div><div><i>"That's definitely a guy."</i></div><div><i>"I think we should take this FAST."</i></div><div><i>"I didn't want to be on your stupid team anyway!"</i></div><div><i>"Sorry. I don't pork and tell."</i></div><div><i>"I may have four eyes, but I heard you have two dads!"</i></div><div><i>"I don't care if we can get a whole barrel for 5 dollars, they smell like a nursing home."</i></div><div><i>"Who the hell are Edward and Jacob?"</i></div><div><i>"That's not my bike. it's my sister's."</i></div><div><i>"Yes I do. You just never met her."</i></div><div><i>"Of course I was joking. Why would I invite you over to watch me play Warcraft?"</i></div><div><i>"No. That does not turn me on"</i></div><div><i>"Seriously, if you put your finger in there again I will snap it off"</i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i>"I just wanted to tell you before it was too late that we appreciate everything you have done for us, and you were awesome in The Outsiders."</i></span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i><br /></i></span></i></div><div>I feel somewhat cleansed, and fully depressed.</div><div><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-18134855213762624972010-01-19T14:53:00.005-05:002011-07-30T15:50:14.648-04:00Flattery Will Get You HeadbuttedDuring a polite conversation with a female, the following was said to me:<div><br /></div><div><i>"You know you could be completely hideous, but you'd still be good looking because you're so funny."</i></div><div><br /></div><div>Thanks?</div><div><br /></div><div>I suppose a healthy reaction to this would be to feel warm inside because someone thinks I am so funny that it could dampen the stomach turning effects of grotesque facial features. I like when people think I am funny. Being told so would normally cause me to feel so good that my loins would fatten pride, but in this case I feel no such swelling. </div><div><br /></div><div>I will now list other compliments I feel are on the same level as this one.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>"You are such a snappy dresser that it weakens your stench a bit."</i></div><div><i>"I have such a good time talking to you that I don't even want to have sex."</i></div><div><i>"You remind me of a super intelligent chimpanzee."</i></div><div><i>"I have to tell you that ever since all of my friends, my entire family and half my </i><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><i>facebook</i></span><i> list died in that Volcano, you are my favorite person"</i></div><div><i>"When you consider how little people thought of you in High School, its pretty amazing you've done as much as you have."</i></div><div><br /></div><div>If we didn't have free pancakes in the morning I would be out ze door.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-30678753268795028552010-01-15T10:21:00.002-05:002010-01-15T10:23:00.134-05:00Affirmation<div><br /></div><div><br /></div>There is only one thing I do not look good in...<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>General</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-24455774273612472852009-12-23T11:19:00.004-05:002009-12-23T11:23:35.036-05:00Something to Believe InIn this post I will continue to explore candidates for my second attempt at faith. Please note that I used a post EGAE picture of Goldblum only because I have a general sense of him being from outer space.<br /><br /><b><u>Fictional TV Characters</u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"> - This idea sounds futile at first. Why believe in something that you are 95% sure isn't real? However, there are many benefits to exalting the pantheon of television personalities. They are always there. Any time of day I am feeling down or lost, I can grab my remote and find Dr. Jason <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Seaver</span> urging me to show him that smile again, and I know that Ross <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Gellar</span> will always be there for me.They are also excellent as sources of advice and role models. I can't imagine how the dire straits my love life would be in if not for the brilliant tutelage of Sam Malone. And I would still feel weird wearing a short sleeve shirt with a tie if not for Detective Sipowicz. Best of all, when I get tired of one I can always change the channel. </span></b><br /><br /><b><u>Dragons</u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"> - Powerful. Awe-inspiring. Majestic. Such words can be used to describe the beasts known as dragons. They horde a vast amount of treasures, can melt your whole neck and body with their breath and have I've seen one kill Matthew <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">McCounaghneaghey</span>. Unfortunately, aside from the potential of the most cool ass stained glass window you could ever imagine, I don't foresee any personal benefit to Dragon worship currently, , because I am 85% sure they don't exist. </span></b><br /><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"><br /></span></b><b><u>Food</u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"> - I am considering food as per the suggestion of Jay. Food is off to a good start because I know for a fact that it is real (it's true. Check <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">wikipedia</span>), and it gives me good feelings. There are countless types of food though, many of which I don't like, so perhaps it would be pragmatic to think of food as a polytheistic religion, with the Zeus slot obviously being filled by Chicken <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Parm</span> Heroes. My main problem with worshiping food is that I am constantly lusting after it, and the way I eat is practically a deviant sexual act. Although this isn't much of a problem if I am going with a Greek model. Not bad.</span></b><br /><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"><br /></span></b><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal"><strong><u>Genitalia</u></strong> - A source of inspiration and motivation. A cause of great pleasure, but also terrible shame and guilt. I see it so infrequently that I some times think it does not exist. Sounds about right to me.</span></b><br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="FONT-WEIGHT: normal">This is tough.</span>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-89442158956377563212009-12-03T19:31:00.001-05:002009-12-04T21:18:29.768-05:00Civil Rights HeroThere are moments in time where fate unexpectedly calls upon a person to step up for the greater good. History may call their name by pure chance or coincidence, but they recognize society needs them to take action. I I am experiencing such a moment now. This is how history begins.<div><br /></div><div>Like many people, I go through periods of time where I do not have much concern for my health or weight. I call these periods "normal." There are occasions, usually when I sniff out a chance someone may see me in the naked, where I decide that it is my waistline that is making my shirt stick out so much on the sides, and not that "it's just the style these days." Menswear companies will never decide that next season all the stylish men will want to look like over ripe pears.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had such an epiphany several months ago and began to exercise more and eat better. Now, the list of foods I eat is short and has about as much nutritional value as a sack full of rubber bands, so for me, eating better means eating less and trying to find anything halfway decent to substitute for my usual meals of shaped lard and several small piles of sugar. This lead me to the item known as the bar. Some are called energy bars. Some are called meal bars. Everybody knows good ol' granola bars. All bars, and all of them containing fewer calories than my normal junk.</div><div><br /></div><div>My genius plan? Have one of these in lieu of a normal lunch every day that I am at work, since that was probably my most damaging meal due to the ease at which one can obtain fantastic tasting garbage in Manhattan. Not exactly the most sound dietary practice, but combined with some exercise and a bit of self control, it worked quite well.</div><div><br /></div><div>You may be wondering what this has to do with me becoming the figurehead for a social revolution. You see, it came to my attention yesterday, after months of eating these bars, that my particular bar of choice, the Luna Bar, is in fact a nutrition bar for women. I made this discovery when I looked on the package and hidden on the front of it under the word "Luna" I saw "The Whole Nutrition bar for Women." </div><div><br /></div><div>I was appalled at first. I felt violated as a result of such devious packaging design. For I moment I also felt the kind of confusion set in that I usually only experience after I have one of those dreams where I am playing touch football with a shirtless Tom Wopat. But I fought that off. This was not my fault! Nothing about this bar would give me any clue that it was a bar for women, aside from it saying it on the front of the package. And what kind of sexist nonsense is this anyway? Why is it only for women? I enjoy their White Chocolate bar quite a bit, and judging by the feeble protrusion from my groin I am 85% sure I am a man! Why isn't it a nutrtion bar for everyone?</div><div><br /></div><div>This is when I got to thinking, which people usually tell me is a bad thing, but you can get the hell out of my way now! There are many products out there that are sexist towards men, and I am not going to sit down for it any more. No one bats an eye if a girl uses a regular old razor, but the second I use some purple razor to shave my legs for a photoshoot, people give me all kinds of crap. <a href="http://sedatedgorilla.blogspot.com/2005/12/have-you-been-working-out.html">Maybe I would like some extra padding and support in my shoulder region</a>. And what exactly are you trying to hide Secret? Is it that this PH balance mumbo jumbo is sexist propaganda? I'm done with it all! I may even start using tampons just to prove a point.</div><div><br /></div><div>So there it is. I'm a regular Susan B. Manthony. Remember this moment, for future generations will.</div><div><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-56630630622315286252009-07-20T11:25:00.002-04:002009-07-20T11:27:44.729-04:00How I Became Grossly OverweightI have a terrible new hobby.<br /><br />Baking,<br /><br />I was browsing the internet at work and came upon a book that piqued my interest. That book is <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1416566112/">Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking</a></i>, by Michael Ruhlman. Now you might think it is odd for me to be interested in any kind of cooking, since I really only enjoy meat, pasta, candy and any combination of those three things, especially if you melt mozzerella cheese on top of it.<br /><br />While the idea behind the book is interesting for sure (learning the basic formulas of food and then experiment and expand on them with no need for recipes), what stopped me in my web surfing tracks was this.<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360563631006947954" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 315px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO4puRyWdH3GOLFTzCnY01S90UUv8GK-CDmBbxnpY5wgYjPwpXu1Gcv4nIRfw9sjZ2vA3CaqtlUcBY8vIvic1uT1A3u7MnUM-JgUKAmc-hPdZkqalMVrIeDt0O2s6lE31lryGh/s320/breadhweel.JPG" border="0" /><br /><br />A sweet ass Bread Wheel!<br /><br />Countless times I, and many other philosophers, have wondered what exactly the difference between pancake batter and crepe batter is. What makes muffins sort of cake, but not really? Now the mystery is solved. My mind was blown when I saw that all that seperates a Fritter from a Popover is one extra part of flour. This is real life magic.<br /><br />After obtaining the book, I did what I do with any instructional material. I skimmed through half of it and then went of half-cocked and attempted to create something.<br /><br />Cookies were picked as my starting point. For the past three weekends I have made them. I started of baking with the very basic ration in the book which is 1 Sugar, 2 Fat, 3 Flour. This cookie is on the crunchy side and obviously doesn't have much in the way of interesting taste, but hey, it was an actual cookie, and I didn't chip a tooth or give birth to a colony of intelligent parasites in my gut.<br /><br />With the attempts that followed I experimented with the ingredients and ratio of each. My goal was to figure out how to make a cookie that was chewy, and this weekend I achieved it! Go me.<br /><br />Now the question is, what kind junk do I want to throw in there. I did the whole chocolate/peanut butter chip thing. It seems odd that I've spent large portions of my week conjuring up different flavor ideas in my head when normally I would looking at strange women and wondering what they'd look like nude and in my house.<br /><br />I've mainly just been thinking about what are in my cabinets and then combining them together. This has led me to amazing flavors such as maple syrup/cashew and Cap'n Crunch/bourbon. I have also decided at some point I would like to make scotch and sodabread, but that is much farther down the road of my doughy journey.<br /><br />I would also like some help in switching my wardrobe over to mostly items with an elastic wasitband. What cookies do you like that I should eat? What never before seen cookies from myth and fantasy would you like to see made?Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-70463672117991374402009-07-10T14:13:00.003-04:002009-07-10T14:26:02.709-04:00Goose EggAfter a disappointing journey across the globe attempting to have sex with <a href="http://sedatedgorilla.blogspot.com/2009/04/list-of-people-i-can-have-sex-with.html">all of the people I am allowed to</a>, I have returned with an 0 fer. I came relatively close to intercourse a time or two. Once when I watched Kevin Bacon fuck in a hammock for 2 and a half hours. Also, Betty White taught me what an "Macedonian Tongue Shovel" is. I learned by doing. <div><br /></div><div>Now that my quest is abandoned I am free to enjoy the rest of the summer in the usual fashion. This includes deluding myself into thinking I will actually go to the beach and take off my shirt and cutting 65 percent of the legs off of my jeans.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also plan to spend much time strolling around neighborhoods with a boombox on my shoulder that is blasting the ice cream truck music. When the children run outside, I will laugh at their disappointed faces. Then I shall ease on down the road.</div><div><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-68678208457195722222009-04-21T15:23:00.001-04:002009-04-21T15:24:47.715-04:00A List of People I Can Have Sex With<div>The following list has been submitted by my girlfriend in response to my previous post:</div><div>(Links instead of pictures because they don't get me frustrated to the point of pissing blood)</div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.nerve.com/CS/blogs/theremoteisland/2008/10/08-15/Betty-White.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Betty White</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><a href="http://thebosh.com/upload/2008/04/02/_dita_von_teese_shock_lesbian_sex_video/DITA%20VON%20TEESE.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Dita Von Teese</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/12/04/dolly_parton_narrowweb__300x453,0.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Dolly Parton</span></a></div><div><a href="http://pinkribbonsproject.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/chuck-bass.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Chuck Bass</span></a></div><div><a href="http://images.hollywoodgrind.com:9000/images/2008/3/jackson-family.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine or Marlon Jackson </span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.dollarmirror.com/blogindex/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/cate-blanchett.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Cate Blanchett </span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></div><div><a href="http://thenakedcelebrity.bloggerbingo.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/jennifer-aniston-naked-celebrity-bikini1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Jennifer Aniston</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"> if you promised not to break her heart<br /></span></div><div><a href="http://toppayingideas.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/alanis-morissette.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Alanis Morrisette</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.omgblog.com/images/kevin-bacon-portrait.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Kevin Bacon</span></a></div><div><div><a href="http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/lynne.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Lynne Spears</span></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Any of the Real Housewives of New York, except the countess (Find it yourselves.)</span></div><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">And any of the people on my list, except for Padma Lakshmi<br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div>After reviewing this submission I have decided to consider it as a "To Do List."</div><div><br /></div><div>Cate Blanchett better watch her white ass because I am comin' for it.<br /></div></div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-34094770544941102882009-04-16T15:27:00.000-04:002009-04-16T15:29:19.466-04:007 People My Girlfriend Can Have Sex WithIntercourse with any of the following people will not result in our relationship ending, provided she doesn't leave me for them.<br /><div><div><div><div><div><div><div> </div><div>1. Any openly gay celebrity<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8o07QveyZRo9kFFP1AVSJR3n7ZAkQSStlhoUcVaWlcom-KrgPVZQkE_BIwa0KaBo2p4dHQiCIHhgiZApE-6gGZLFS1oQT_hNhaK3XHQ0NE7al-CGTi-WEMewcRkaB9a1X_CUa/s1600-h/tim_gunn.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325368837740110306" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 180px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 263px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8o07QveyZRo9kFFP1AVSJR3n7ZAkQSStlhoUcVaWlcom-KrgPVZQkE_BIwa0KaBo2p4dHQiCIHhgiZApE-6gGZLFS1oQT_hNhaK3XHQ0NE7al-CGTi-WEMewcRkaB9a1X_CUa/s400/tim_gunn.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><br /><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>2. Anderson Cooper <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5SdyKBjHhMWQvBntTzfMNTU2-qrGF5T4SKVE2Y5Ltaeq4f7cQDQdqIsf96-tXB2jJvb1wwcxdWvF7poEPtXP3VLV0YTjHWCqwMroUWd_NrZTm9fYqUklGm1dTCD2OiSOAI8F/s1600-h/anderson-cooper-elmo.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325368837133832626" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 213px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 202px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_5SdyKBjHhMWQvBntTzfMNTU2-qrGF5T4SKVE2Y5Ltaeq4f7cQDQdqIsf96-tXB2jJvb1wwcxdWvF7poEPtXP3VLV0YTjHWCqwMroUWd_NrZTm9fYqUklGm1dTCD2OiSOAI8F/s400/anderson-cooper-elmo.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div>3. Rusty Staub</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM1k5IPZ2ckv2G2f-SHP1fYGlnvKevVI9GSfoOapNVkvRfNsHkM45hxUChnaTwadyJyJNQNoSnmA0afOOPh05MFjJz3HldpUMp_Rss7XwTO3kq2woCEYuNaG29yZnoEggSOTwF/s1600-h/81250.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325371538656487426" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 169px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 211px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM1k5IPZ2ckv2G2f-SHP1fYGlnvKevVI9GSfoOapNVkvRfNsHkM45hxUChnaTwadyJyJNQNoSnmA0afOOPh05MFjJz3HldpUMp_Rss7XwTO3kq2woCEYuNaG29yZnoEggSOTwF/s320/81250.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>4. Padma Lakshmi </div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixoO-Wgb8uOgBSqrkb7eEXfAO0L54TZOdqb_KHFNSJNQQh2ZLQHu49rJiyeEqDhpoHzWNFuHs7MqFatwqPU2-mWBdzl97B2kb4Cb3iYGVJAwVRrIGhxMB65kNMarmbJxdEEnqj/s1600-h/padma_lakshmi_top_chef.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325368837501349362" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 170px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 302px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixoO-Wgb8uOgBSqrkb7eEXfAO0L54TZOdqb_KHFNSJNQQh2ZLQHu49rJiyeEqDhpoHzWNFuHs7MqFatwqPU2-mWBdzl97B2kb4Cb3iYGVJAwVRrIGhxMB65kNMarmbJxdEEnqj/s400/padma_lakshmi_top_chef.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>5. Henrik Lundqvist</div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK81apW9q7Y8hVbu0-wLXvQ1cPL0A_oHn4OcNmcXNJ-Zn4ga-9qFxvr_ARYdjxLbnwCgDH3M4zNxzrCwJ-ARuXo9Ph_C1DvexkgIvT4yEeCVCmbJupf7Cs0U0Fdv1j9YFKdYHe/s1600-h/henrik-lundqvist.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325368833227034418" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 160px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 232px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK81apW9q7Y8hVbu0-wLXvQ1cPL0A_oHn4OcNmcXNJ-Zn4ga-9qFxvr_ARYdjxLbnwCgDH3M4zNxzrCwJ-ARuXo9Ph_C1DvexkgIvT4yEeCVCmbJupf7Cs0U0Fdv1j9YFKdYHe/s400/henrik-lundqvist.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>6. Ron from The Biggest Loser<br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfC32d3MIBojCcAZ1IOlaV_U4Q8-XlFjkMM0SYiW4C0PUhUlOHXlcrZVH7mJW-tba16xuu5nB-TlrVTcPowXykq3PbmK57h50J8xcDWCEaJhaFvnnIyHDHTEi2Rz11QJHwGqI/s1600-h/ron-morelli.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325368832840933282" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 234px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 171px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfC32d3MIBojCcAZ1IOlaV_U4Q8-XlFjkMM0SYiW4C0PUhUlOHXlcrZVH7mJW-tba16xuu5nB-TlrVTcPowXykq3PbmK57h50J8xcDWCEaJhaFvnnIyHDHTEi2Rz11QJHwGqI/s400/ron-morelli.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>7. Famous Amos </div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixgsp6DjWtYFG99z8KOh0ywtrql1Rhxc36Yoss9Jr39JdnwpDQqyGSBFWri1cRj_J8V5wBX22LGX8e9aXWrv1XpTflSiNp31hM6m0YMaftqm_Wgl3PhewXgj6rlJgKNVA0Qxnv/s1600-h/famous+amos.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5325338140566638834" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 225px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixgsp6DjWtYFG99z8KOh0ywtrql1Rhxc36Yoss9Jr39JdnwpDQqyGSBFWri1cRj_J8V5wBX22LGX8e9aXWrv1XpTflSiNp31hM6m0YMaftqm_Wgl3PhewXgj6rlJgKNVA0Qxnv/s400/famous+amos.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>I may start a list of the people i would least want her to pork. The number one spot would definitely be held by Ed begley Jr. due to his massive cock. I'll update you as it forms.</div><div> </div><div>If you have an question regarding the reasons for including any of these people on my list, please feel free to ask.</div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-12656179251783138692009-04-14T15:32:00.002-04:002009-04-14T15:39:06.341-04:00If You Would Be So KindTo name three people you find interesting, something you consider to be valuable and a terrible problem.<div><br /></div><div>Thank you!</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-35391821127742709052009-04-09T10:51:00.000-04:002009-04-09T10:54:31.001-04:00Where the hell am I?I don't have the foggiest.<div><br /></div><div>That is to say, I am physically still in the same exact place I was 2 months ago when I was semi-regularly dropping a steaming pile onto this thing called a blog. Mentally it seems this is not the case. </div><div><br /></div><div>There have been plenty of occassions since my previous entry where I have thought of or blurted out something I thought would be worth typing out for 6 other people to enjoy and get a laugh out of, but I fail to make note of them and they quickly fade from my brain as they are replaced by masturbatory fantasies involving members of the <a href="http://www.wpix.com/wpix_staff">WPIX Morning News Team</a>. Oh Tiffany McElroy, you always keep me up between 5 and 6 AM.</div><div><br /></div><div>So yeah, it has been difficult to find the elusive combination of motivation and material that fuels me to stop playing browser games at my desk for an hour. In the past it may have manifested itself as the tag team of my never-ending lust for attention and a story of how I ruined a chance at having sex by sucking on a girl's nipple for 10 minutes too long. Currently I only seem to have one or the other. I may feel the unrelenting need for approval from strangers overtake me, but I lack a subject. On another day I may encounter a strange subway derelict who seems to get his jollies by farting on the bare legs of other passengers, but at the same time have coma-like brain patterns. I got no chemistry.</div><div><br /></div><div>My girlfriend has been very encouraging in trying to get me to post more often, and I appreciate that very much. However she refuses to allow me to start dating which I believe would definitely bring me a wealth of self-embarrassment that i would gleefully share with all y'all. Actually she said I could start dating as long as she could also. I refused this offer based on it's obvious high levels of unfairness. If I go on a date I will wind up wearing pants with a hole in the crotch or casually mention how I used to show my dick on the internet all the time back in the day. If my girlfriend were to go on a date she would probably meet someone very mature who doesn't find everlasting discomfort from tucking in a shirt and will unhook her bra quickly and without self-congratulatory cheering.</div><div><br /></div><div>That's all I got.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-86226338678118984952009-02-11T00:19:00.001-05:002009-02-11T12:21:24.898-05:00Isn't it Romancive?At the suggestion of Diane, who I will from now on assume has the last name Chambers, I will lay out my plan for Valentines Day. She, for some reason, assumed I will need assistance with it. I doubt this very much.<div><br /></div><div><div>Before the day of Valentines even begins, some preparation must be done. This will mainly take the form of a full Friday night worth of personal private region grooming and upkeep. For what better way to show you care than to present your genitalia to her all streamlined and slick. No I will not consider any kind of pubic topiary as it has caused me to be dumped multiple times.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have rented a hotel room for the evening in bustling Manhattan where love flourishes amongst the towers of concrete and might. This is always a solid move for Valentine's Day because a lady feels very special when you mount her in a foreign setting. For any of you who would still like to do this for your lady, I suggest you expand your search to hotels with shared bathrooms, for their deals can not be beat, and your girlfriend will appreciate your thoughtfulness during our economic crisis.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now of course, before we get to the hotel room, we must engage in other activities to help set the mood for romance. I figured it never hurts to go with the old classics, so I will be taking my lady friend to dinner and a show. I will tell her to meet me at the restaurant at 6 PM sharp on Saturday night. The restaurant is a personal favorite of mine, and I will dine on my preferred dish there, a huge chicken parmigiana hero. I think they have salads there, so she can have that. I would do this normally, but that night I will definitely make a point to be a gentleman and carry her tray to our table for her.</div><div><br /></div><div>After eating at this place we will probably be stuffed to the gills, so going to a theater and being able to sit down will be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">muy</span> beneficial. There are a large number of shows out right now, so it is difficult to pick which one is the best to take my girlfriend to on this most special of evenings. I am honestly still undecided, but I will admit to leaning towards Paul <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Blart</span>: Mall Cop because Taken may be a bit too depressing for Valentine's Day.</div><div><br /></div><div>After the movie we will hopefully be in good spirits and make our way back to our hotel room. I plan on surprising her with a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">bouquet</span> of flowers in the room, and possibly an array of colorful cupcakes which I will of course offer to feed her as she lays in bed. This is when I will bring out her Valentine's Day gift.</div><div><br /></div><div>My girlfriend has been talking about wanting a puppy for almost an entire <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">friggin</span> year now. I'm pretty sure if she gets one, she will love it more than me, but I am OK with that because it just takes some of the pressure off me. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, neither of us have enough free time these days that you would need to devote to a new dog. So in lieu of a puppy I decided to purchase my girlfriend a puppy shirt instead. It is a lovely shade of pink and there is an adorable drawing of a golden retriever puppy ironed on to the front of it. There is also a sparkly flower.</div><div><br /></div><div>Our evening will end with vigorous lovemaking which, thanks to my man-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">kegels</span> I've recently started during my commute, will <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">end in</span> time to lay in bed, watch <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">SNL</span> and discuss how shitty it is these days.</div><div><br /></div><div>I hope she doesn't read this and ruin the surprise.</div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-57862807377341069072009-02-10T09:53:00.002-05:002009-02-10T10:25:07.530-05:00An Inspirational Message<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); "><div style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">For all the ladies braving Valentines Day without a man...</span></div><div style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /></span></div></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzZwZQsofuvMeW_Rov_1tjL2NBBLsHISZf8be4OuYB8shUv8tKdTmijJwfYRPkxNulnjVJkJevIlAjb4rp8J4EcFj-sZJAajdYxuJTAcqTzhgnPJh44hT2FW26E3rY7SwzmVs/s1600-h/gogoirl.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDzZwZQsofuvMeW_Rov_1tjL2NBBLsHISZf8be4OuYB8shUv8tKdTmijJwfYRPkxNulnjVJkJevIlAjb4rp8J4EcFj-sZJAajdYxuJTAcqTzhgnPJh44hT2FW26E3rY7SwzmVs/s400/gogoirl.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301182167296781090" /></a><br /><div>Courtesy of time-displaced vandals near my office.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-36347459736033036442009-02-09T10:32:00.002-05:002009-02-09T10:35:19.808-05:00And this other time...<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';"><div style="background-image: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-attachment: initial; -webkit-background-clip: initial; -webkit-background-origin: initial; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font: normal normal normal 13px/19px Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; padding-top: 0.6em; padding-right: 0.6em; padding-bottom: 0.6em; padding-left: 0.6em; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; background-position: initial initial; "><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I met an overweight homeless man.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I was skipping along the sidewalk on my way to purchase a tasty lunch of soup AND sandwich, when an enormous mass came into my field of vision.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It was a human man. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">He sat on the ground with his back against the display window of a discount hat store called "Edgar Allen Chapeau," but all that adorned his head was a tattered crown of sadness, which in most parts of the country is called a Chicago Cubs hat. The gentleman also had on a filth encrusted, yet forever stylish, t-shirt and sweatpants combo that was stretched beyond any conceivable tension limits. On this day I learned that fabric can feel pain.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Pedestrian's gazes turned from the grown man who had moments ago been skipping down the street to this spherical vagrant who was changing the flow of foot traffic. Never in my life have I seen such a large domicile-impaired individual. I wanted to inspect him visually, so I could make a solid guesstimate on his weight, but as I made my way to the opposite side, I became winded and gave up. </span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The man seemed to be completely unconscious. He just sat there motionless, like a massive bean bag that hadcome into some tough times. Just as I was about to leave after a good 15 minutes of observing, his once restful eyes exploded open.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Startled, I and the others jumped back. Our startlization levels intensified even further when the homeless fellow sprang to his feet with the agility of a Lynx pouncing on a snow hare. We took another step back and were almost sent backpedaling into traffic with what happened next.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">He looked around wide-eyed and confused as if he had no idea where he was. Then his mouth opened and words sprang forth. Words mortal men are not used to hearing.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"NO! THE ROOTS ARE GONE! IT'S ALL COMING DOWN! MAKE FOR THE RIVER"'</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The words blasted out of him with such force and conviction, that when he turned turned the corner and bolted towards the Hudson, no less than four people were following. I have never seen any of them again in my travels.</span></span></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">With my composure regained, I returned to thoughts of my sandwich, and skipped on.</span></span></p></div></span>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-54677454113145417202009-02-04T10:27:00.001-05:002009-02-04T10:32:03.193-05:00Poetry in Motion?<div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline;">My Tits Shake When I Brush My Teeth</span></div><div style="text-align: center;">Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle</div><div style="text-align: center;">Definitely not Jam</div><div style="text-align: center;">Hidden shame of Dental Care</div><div style="text-align: center;">Bad breath or Self- Hate</div><div style="text-align: center;">Diet and Push Ups?</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">T-shirts and Avoidance</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-74708902119063327972009-02-02T10:36:00.000-05:002009-02-02T11:18:25.076-05:00Name that BuffoonI am in the market for a new nickname. I don't currently have one, unless you consider "Oh my God you are dumb" a nickname. <div><br /><div>So I am asking for some help. What nickname should I adopt? </div><div><br /></div><div>It can not be any of the following, as they have already been used:</div><div><br /></div><div>Ry, Ry Ry, Rye Bread, Rye Toast, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Breadman</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Toastman</span>, Toastmaster General, Beanie Boy, Mr. D, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Ryceratops</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Rylenol</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Ryranosaurus</span> Rex, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Ryacin</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Ryboflavin</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Ryclops</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Rypet</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Pupkin</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Rychard</span> Simmons, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Rydiculous</span>, The Rude Dog, The Schnauzer Whisperer, The Anchor, The Defensive Window, The White Nick <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Nolte</span>, The Pride of San Juan, Lady Fingers, Listerine, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Doofy</span>, Chief Junior, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Light Bulb</span> Head, Beverly Landau, Thurston Howell IV and Baby Nips.</div><div><br /></div><div>It must be cool or extremely lame. I thank you ahead of time for your help.</div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-5166286690141088472009-01-26T10:09:00.000-05:002009-01-26T10:22:18.753-05:00What kind of Afterlife is this?Let's assume when we die, we turn into a ghost. If we have lived a decent life, a giant beam of life hits us from above , and we can float off to a better place, or we can hang around and solve our own murder cases. You know, like that movie where Patrick <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Swayze</span> was a ghost. I forget the name of it. No one better leave a comment saying the name of the movie is "Any Day Now." <div><br /></div><div>Anyway, if we believe all this to be what happens when we die then there is a scientific hypothesis we can make that must be absolutely true.</div><div><br /></div><div>Ghosts can not masturbate.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's widely accepted that the best thing about being a ghost is seeing people naked that you never could when you were alive. At first this seems like a brilliant thing to hang around for, but let's face it, after 4 or 5 years of naked, it would start to get old.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now if you could experience this forbidden nudity while retaining the self pleasuring skills you had while living, there would really be no reason to follow that light into heaven. In fact if jerking off was possible in the astral plane Heaven would be a place on Earth, which would make Belinda <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Carlisle</span> some kind of Nostradamus like figure.</div><div><br /></div><div>There would be a very small crowd in Heaven and the people who were there would walk around wondering when everyone else is going to show up, much like the time I went to that Air Supply reunion concert. Then when word got out on the shenanigans happening on Earth, they would all feel like idiots and wish they had stayed home and masturbated all over the place, much like the time I went to that Air Supply reunion concert.</div><div><br /></div><div>The point is, the whole afterlife system would fall apart if ghosts could jerk off, not to mention the overcrowding that would be going on in the bedroom of my 7<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> grade Social Studies teacher. It would be a disturbing world drenched in shame and ectoplasm. The universe would be thrown into chaos.</div><div><br /></div><div>So you can stop wondering now. Enjoy it while you can. </div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-70771619131560323692009-01-15T12:36:00.001-05:002009-01-15T12:50:27.116-05:00Amateur German Couple Fucks in OfficeI was sitting at my desk today playing tower defense games like usual, when my ears took notice of some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">unpleasant</span> words coming from down the hall.<div><br /></div><div>"Let's get Ryan to do this."</div><div><br /></div><div>Instinctively my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">body</span> shuddered, and I released a grunt of disgust that could apparently be heard down the hallway. Laughing, one of my co-workers came over to me and said they had a new project for me to work on. Luckily, it was not actual work.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have the unenviable position in my office of "The guy that knows something about computers." I am not a computer expert by any means, but the knowledge that I do have makes most other people in my office seem like a bunch of baboons rubbing their slick red hindquarters over their keyboards. Gross! This knowledge includes: how to change a desktop wallpaper, where a file went after it was downloaded, how to get open "one of these youtubes my cousin sent me,"and that turning something off and then on again fixes most problems even if I have no clue what's wrong.</div><div><br /></div><div>As a result of my superior technological saavy, I was asked to figure out how we can all watch the Inaguration of Barak Obama next week. This didn't take very long as we have laptops, a wireless connection and a projector. I decide to do a nice test run and make sure everything works and runs smoothly.</div><div><br /></div><div>I bring all the necessary equipment into the conference room with the assistance of my work chef and novice stalker, <a href="http://sedatedgorilla.blogspot.com/2008/10/criminal-or-just-creepy.html">Pancakes</a>. The laptop goes on, the wireless seems to work, the projector throws it up onto the wall and my job appears to be just about done. I head on over to CNN's website and pull up a live feed of Hillary saying goodbye to the Senate. The connection works well for a few seconds, but then begins to freeze.</div><div><br /></div><div>Pancakes tells me he will test it out on another site. As he steps to the computer he tells me to go keep a lookout. Being the dullard I am, I don't realize what is going on until I see the giant words YOU PORN plastered up across the conference room wall.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before my brain can stop spinning, Pancakes has pulled up a video of young german couple engaging in intercourse. Now maybe some of you filthy degenerates have watched porn at work before, but I doubt you have experienced it on such a large scale. It is a bit overhwelming to see gonads swinging around on that scale. My head turned down the hallway, and then back to the giant penis and vagina on the screen and then back down the hallway again where it remained for a good 10 seconds beofre Pancakes yelled "He's putting it in her coolie!" </div><div><br /></div><div>The disgust I was feeling at this point was really only due to a middle aged man using the word "coolie." I don't even know if I am spelling that right. The last time I heard it I didn't know how to spell. He turned it off after a few more seconds and said "See? everything works fine."</div><div><br /></div><div>My soul hurts.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-42958167225822284102009-01-14T10:35:00.000-05:002009-01-14T10:43:42.177-05:00Invention : The Hamlin Scale<div>If there is one thing I enjoy, it's getting so sick of something that I vomit . Then afterwards I pick through the half chewed bits and create something new and magical.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>There are only a few ways we <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">humons</span> have to quantify our like, or dislike, of things. There are those who use stars, and other may use thumbs. Early man used a series of grunts ranging from "Ugh" to "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Unf</span>." Once numbers were invented, we came up with the most common system of rating we have, the assigning of numbers between 1 and 10. For example, "This was a nice phone call. I give it a 7," and "You didn't confuse my thighs with my vagina this time, so you eked out a 4."</div><div><br /></div><div>It is time to abandon this old stand by and make the evolutionary leap to something more flexible and modern.</div><div><br /></div><div>Enter <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Hamlin Scale.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div>With the current old fogey way of doing things, one would say, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how good does this frock look on me?" 1 being completely atrocious and 10 being <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">frocking</span> amazing. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now, with my new system we will say "How was the roast pork on a scale of 1 - Harry Hamlin?" 1 of course being complete fail pork, and Harry Hamlin being the most delectable thing I have ever tasted.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Simple</span> enough so far, yes? Now, the real beauty of the Hamlin Scale, aside from Harry Hamlin, is the flexibility and personalization it allows. For in between the two extremes of the scale are a number of possible values determined only by how extensive your knowledge of random celebrities is. Confused? Me too. So here a few examples.</div><div><br /></div><div>If someone were to ask me to rate chicken parmigiana on a scale of 1 - Harry Hamlin, I would say that it is a Tom <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Berenger</span> because chicken <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">parm</span> is fucking delicious, but nothing is a Harry Hamlin. And if you inquired how my first season of little league went, I would tell you that it was an unfortunate C.Thomas Howell, for I got zero hits and peed my pants 3 times.</div><div><br /></div><div>I will now share with you a condensed Hamlin Scale in descending order. Condensed because I don't think anyone would read the 5 pages of names I came up with while thinking about this project. I have included links in the likely event of, "Who the fuck?"<br /></div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://img2.timeinc.net/people/i/2007/specials/sexiest_man/covers/3_30_87_300x400.jpg">Harry Hamlin</a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0692850/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Markie</span> Post</a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000297/">Tom <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Berenger</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001155/">Patrick Duffy</a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000350/">Beverly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">D'Angelo</span></a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwight_Gooden">Dwight <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Gooden</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000238/">Shannon Tweed</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tito_Puente">Tito <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Puente</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000461/">Michael <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Ironsides</span></a></div><div><a href="http://images.google.com/images?rlz=1C1GGLS_en-USUS293US304&sourceid=chrome&q=Kerri+Green&oe=UTF-8&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi&oi=property_suggestions&resnum=0&ct=property-revision&cd=1">Kerri Green</a></div><div><a href="http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=off&rlz=1C1GGLS_en-USUS293US304&q=Reginald%20VelJohnson&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi">Reginald <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">VelJohnson</span></a><br /></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Eubanks">Bob <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Eubanks</span></a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meshach_Taylor"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Meshach</span> Taylor</a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0851053/">Joe E. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Tata</span></a><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001077/">Richard <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Crenna</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0046033/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Diedrich</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Bader</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdF2zqs1bxQ">Bel <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Biv</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Devoe</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001358/">Hal <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">Holbrook</span></a></div><div><a href="Corey Hart">Corey Hart</a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005521/">Joan Van Ark</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_B._Sure">Al B. Sure</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chester_A._Arthur">Chester A. Arthur</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elayne_Boosler">Elayne <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Boosler</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004645/">Antonio <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Sabato</span> Jr.</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donatello_(TMNT)">Donatello</a> (the Ninja Turtle)<br /></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001614/">Lori Petty</a></div><div><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Lindros">Eric <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">Lindros</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.mtv.com/news/correspondents/loder/">Kurt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">Loder</span></a></div><div><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001367/">C. Thomas Howell</a></div><div>1</div><div><br /></div><div>I'd be surprised if someone knew all of these people without looking them up, but if you happened to have such amazing knowledge go seek some fucking mental help.</div><div><br /></div><div>Whittling down my list to these 30 levels of rating goodness was difficult. Consider it a base for you to add in, or remove, any names you feel can quantify your level of like. You can take them all out and put in fictional characters or types of sandwiches for all I care, but there must remain a 1 and there must remain a Harry Hamlin, two universal truths that can not be denied. Spread the word. Tell your friends. The time of the Hamlin Scale has begun. </div><div><br /></div><div>If you are kind enough to leave a comment, feel free to debate any placing on the scale and suggest a name that should be included, and what position it should appear. </div><div><br /></div><div>I need a hobby.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-65164074534019155972009-01-12T09:41:00.004-05:002009-01-12T10:06:06.208-05:00Why Do I have a Mirror Anyway?The other day I was parading around in a state of moderate naked as I am known to do from time to time, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.<div><br /></div><div>Now, I haven't ever considered myself what scientists refer to as "physically attractive," but ho-lee fuck! This experience has given me some helpful knowledge as well as a smattering of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">PTSD</span>. I will now share to show how much I care.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is nothing more ridiculous looking than a grown man wearing only a t-shirt.</div><div><br /></div><div>Picture it right now. I will wait.</div><div>...</div><div>...</div><div>...</div><div>...</div><div>See what I mean? </div><div><br /></div><div>It doesn't even matter how in shape your physical form is. You can have a chronic need for scotch tape because you are so fucking ripped, but if you are wearing a t-shirt and no pants you will always look like a 3 year old <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">searching</span> for his mother to brag about using the potty by himself.</div><div><br /></div><div>Socks probably make it worse. </div><div><br /></div><div>Things get flipped turned upside down when this situation is applied to women. Pants are the enemy in this case.</div><div><br /></div><div>This was lame, but I had to write it so I wasn't the only one thinking about bottomless men. You're welcome Diane.</div><div><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-29823522857268744542009-01-07T11:13:00.004-05:002009-01-07T11:22:44.916-05:00PSAThere was a girl who I had a a full on sexual adult relationship with some time ago. One time, during a particularly raunchy encounter, this girl cleared her breathing passage and asked me to give her what she called a "Corbin <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Bernsen</span>." <div><br /></div><div>Being the eager to please, young go-getter I was, I naturally complied, but I fully regret taking part in such a heinous act. It damaged my soul. I advise you to not make the same mistake I did.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-63416626873594771592009-01-05T10:04:00.002-05:002009-01-05T10:33:17.340-05:00This doesn't look like North Haverbrook<div>I apologize for the foul nature of this post.</div><div><br /></div>2009 is off to a rip roaring start. Work has turned back to actual work instead of the oddly furnished lounge it had been the last last 3 weeks or so. You can imagine my excitement.<div><br /></div><div>A scant few minutes ago I got a call of nature and got up from my desk and made my way to the lavatory. it is usual for me to pass water around this time due to the one and a half liters of grape soda I enjoy as part of my balanced breakfast. I turn the corner and begin to pass through the doorway of the john when I run into a wall of horror.</div><div><br /></div><div>I may have mentioned this before, but I avoid taking a dump at work like I avoid ex-girlfriend's facebook profiles. Many people in my office do not share this quality though. And one of these many people decided that today was a day to smear their shit all over the toilet. Someone who seemed to be on a strict diet of mushy peas and paste.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's not as if it some inconsiderate bastard Jackson Pollocked the inside of the bowl and failed to clean it up with a handy toilet brush. Oh no. The seat was up and there was human dung all over the rim of said toilet. It honestly looked like some maniac had sat his buttcrack down on the rim on the toilet and then slide along it like some kind of Ass Monorail.</div><div><br /></div><div>Naturally I turned around and ran down the hallway to make it back to my desk fast enough that no one would think I had time to commit what I can only describe right now as an act of terrorism. I will update as events unfold.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't believe you made it to the end of this.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18195591.post-90032098448912287802008-12-23T11:02:00.003-05:002008-12-23T12:08:34.100-05:00TreintaWhat an unfortunate thing it was to spend precious time watching that "fight" I posted about last week. It was very likely the most boring piece of shit fight I have ever seen in my life. Amputees could have squared off and produced a more entertaining boxing match. <div><br /></div><div>That being said, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Evander</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Holyfield</span> deserved an obvious victory and a piece of his old heavyweight crown back, but it was not to be. As happens so often in boxing, a terrible and most likely corrupt decision was made in favor of the giant <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Valuev</span>. Usually when I spend $25 and wind up that revolted and depressed I have to get a blood test done afterwards.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I watched <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Holyfield</span> plod around the ring so much slower and generally just less than what I remember, I couldn't help but think of the horror that awaited me this week.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be turning 30 years old. This may come as a shock to many of you who had me pegged at about 14 based on my insecurity and fondness of dick jokes, or those who thought I wasn't a day less than 47 due to both my looks and 3 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">teenaged</span> daughters. But I digress...Really, I do. Mostly when I'm alone. </div><div><br /></div><div><div>Sometimes I feel that my life so far can be summed up with the phrase "Stop at a Whammy..." but other times I think I'm pretty okay. </div><div><br /></div></div><div>I'm not really sure how to handle this milestone of making it 3 decades without killing myself while trying to impress some girl. I really don't want to reflect back on what I have accomplished in my life because I want to kill more than 28 seconds. After 30 years it seems my biggest contributions to the world have been frightening examples of poor fashion sense and popularizing the phrase "It's like buttering a waffle."</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't say that I am where I pictured myself being when 30 ticked off on my clock, but many of those dreams involved a scantily clad Susan <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Lucci</span> and the magnificent benefits that come with having superhuman strength. Am I close to being where I feel I should be? Not at all, but I did manage to lose my virginity along the way somehow, so that's a nice surprise. </div><div><br /></div><div>30 years without getting drunk is something. I'm not sure what exactly. But something is definitely a description of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm depressed over the shrinking of the range of "older women" who I would pork caused by my rapid age gain. Am I about to lose the right to use the term MILF?</div><div><br /></div><div>Physically I have never been anything to write home about, so I could always work out like crazy and turn into of these assholes who winds up telling every person he bumps into, "I'm 35 and in the best shape of my life!" I hate those fucks, but you can be sure the second I see one ab muscle I will have my shirt off and flex until I prolapse my rectum.</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess that's it I worry if I think any more about my birthday that I will start crying and fall headfirst into a tin full of various flavors of popcorn that all of you have probably been sent by now. Before I stop I would like to ask a favor. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>If you are kind enough to comment, please refrain from using any of the following phrases:</div><div><br /></div><div>"30 is the new 20"<br /></div><div>"The big 3-0"</div><div>"It's all downhill from here"</div><div>"You're still so young"</div><div><br /></div><div>If you use any of these, you will ruin my birthday. When you see a news report of a man getting paralyzed as he tried to hang himself with tinsel, I hope you'll be proud of yourself.</div><div><br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11434671217113609416noreply@blogger.com10