1-800-FLOWERS can suck my hand grip shaped dick.
That was gross.
So I go to their website to order a fine bouquet of flowers that I wish to have sent to a lovely young lass whose birthday was approaching. I pick out what I think is a pretty dandy looking arrangement of orchids in a stylish trumpet vase. All is cool. I fork over my credit card numbers no realizing that I was paying them to make me look like an asshole.
She gets the "flowers" on her birthday. First off there aren't even any damn flowers. It looks like a bunch of sticks with buds on them. I thought that it would probably just take a few days before they bloomed, but after three days of nothing and a vase full of kindling, I call them up.
The venus fly twat on the other end tells me that the "flowers" are sent like this so they stay fresh and should bloom in four to five days. Ok cool. Thanks for the info, dandelion douchebag.
Skip ahead two days to a half hour ago. I get a phone call form the birthday girl who tells me some of the flowers that did bloom were just green, and that some of the buds had turned yellow and fallen off. She also said that she had been following the instructions on what to do so she didn't know why this happened.
Instructions?! All of a sudden I'm not sending her flowers. She's getting a fucking botany project.
I'm glad these dog cunts don't have a 1-800-JEWELRY number because they'd probably be sending out pick axes and mining hats. And one armed South African 8 year olds.
Now I get to sit here fuming until work is over and I can call these dog cunts and tell them how I wanted to send a woman a symbol of my feelings, and someone there basically shat into a vase and dropped it off on her doorstep.
Happy Birthday! Enjoy The Mulch! Love, Ryan.
I'd have been better off sending her a strange and exotic plant I bought from Seymour Krellbourn. So what if it eats her arm, at least it would bloom!
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come together, right now (literally)
4 years ago
17 comments:
Next time, Proflowers.com. But kudos for sending flowers, and some times it really is the thought that counts
put some semen on them.
No way you're going to get laid if she thinks you're a cheap ass. That's just how women work.
I married BP, and he is the absolute biggest cheap ass, so there is hope. But the thought will get you far, my friend.
diane - from now on I'm just going to grow them myself and run to their destination holding them in a vase over my head.
Crystal - It didnt work when my dog died, I don't see why it would work now
BP - I will do the classy thing and send her the receipt then so she can see how much I payed.
christie - I'm glad women can love a cheapass, but I feel as if 1800flowers has molested and robbed me. I demand justice.
Nah, if you play your cards right from here on in, you still have a possibility of seeing her naked. Acknowledge that the gift didn't work out the way you thought it was going to, make a cute joke or two, and you'll be golden. Trust.
I had a temp job for a while working at ProFlowers call center and you would believe all the calls they got saying that their flowers were dead, frozen or rotten. Good stuff!!! Yeah for sending flowers through the mail!!
Teleflora.com is rather good.
Anyway, I know from much too much experience with sending my mum, who happens to be a landscape architect, flowers, that all you have to do is have the lovely lass call in and tell them the flowers are shit and she should get a new bouquet. Rinse, lather, and repeat until she gets the flowers she wants.
Dumbass, you just threw away good money. You can get all the flowers you need for free at the cemetery.
Next time send her a vibrator. Everytime she uses it she'll be thinking of you.
STOMP!
If you don't do stand up, I'll steal your material and do it myself. You're one funny dude!
hahah That sucks :(
undoubtedly, another gift is called for. perhaps even with some expensive dinner to match. no take out.
flowers are a classic though, so you should have a reliable provider bookmarked. these two did wonders for me:
-www.hallmark.com (you also choose the card accompanying the bouquet)
-www.marthastewartflowers.com (yes, the diva knows her flowery stuff)
I like the way Scary Monster thinks and I'd like to second his comment. She might APPEAR offended at first but it's an act and she's gonna have batteries in that bitch within an hour of recieving it.
And dang it call those Sons of Bitches back and get your money!!!
That really sucks-- but at least she told you so that you know not to use them anymore.
So, I went to a restaurant in DC last night when I got home from NYC.
There was a sign
People who eat free at Ben's:
Bill Cosby
That's it!
I thought that was the funniest sign I've ever seen.
I made the mistake of giving 1-800-Flowers a second chance, after they failed me one previous time. The previous time, the so called "roses" they sent looked like something that were dug out of the trash after the care takers got done cleaning up the headstones at a graveyard. On that order I called to complain, they were nice enough and offered to resend them, which I said ok. BIG Mistake...no better. After a few more calls, and an attempt at a third delivery I got a big 20% of my order refunded to me.
So a year passed, I was out of town on Valentines and decided, hey let me try this again. BIGGER MISTAKE. I ordered two dozen roses in a vase, with a box of chocolates. Well...the chocolats showed up, along with a stuffed animal (bear) but no roses. So I called right away, was on hold for 20 minutes on the 14th, no one ever picked up. I called again on the 15th, twice, same thing.
I finally get in touch with them this morning. And guess what, they offered me 20% of the order amount as refund. But I didn't get what I ordered??? They say, well you weren't suppose to get a stuffed animal (bear), but we sent that instead, so that replaces the value of the vase and some roses, so we can only authorize a 20% refund. His supervisor wouldn't get on the phone, she told him to relay this to me.
I then called their corporate headquaters in Carle Place, Long Island. Was put on hold, for 15 minutes, then disconnected. Never actually getting to talk to someone.
So, I'm on a one man mission to get the word out. If they refuse to give me 100% refund, well I'm going to get my satisfaction and then some by letting as many people as I know about how poor the service and products are at 1800FLOWERS. Do yourself a favor, use your local florist, and support the neighborhood small business.
Thanks
Dennis
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