Ugh. That barely even makes sense.
In today's exercise of extreme narcissism we will look at my eating habits in respect to vegetables. Can I stand any of them? Does the fact that many are found on, if not in, the dirty ground gross me out? Does their phallic shape make me want to eat them more? Let's find out.
Let me guess. "Those aren't even real vegetables, weirdo." I know you said it. Everyone does. I'm not sure why they don't count. I mean, there is the whole thing with corn not being digested, and who in their right mind would eat a potato that isn't at least covered in salt and butter? OK so maybe I see it a little bit. But don't forget the peas! Peas are weird. I'm pretty sure they are actually good for me. Does this mean I win?
Every other vegetable you can cross off my list. My dog ate more vegetables than I do. He would gladly chow down on some carrot sticks where as I would only use them as a faux wang to shock and surprise people during one of my world famous adult web cam variety shows. In fact if it wasn't for the disturbing glee I received from people recoiling in horror at what they thought was my deformed cock, I would have absolutely no use for yams, broccoli, eggplants, zucchini, turnips or bell peppers. I am considering them a vegetable here.
The biggest downside to having no love for vegetables, aside from being dead by 33, is the situation I run into at restaurants. I have never eaten a salad in my life. Sometimes an unrequested plate of greenery and pals finds it's way in front of me, and I am left to stare at it uncomfortably. It's a lot like if I were invited to a dinner party and sat down to find that an ex-girlfriend was seated next to me. I didn't ask for it. There are a lot of awkward glances and sighs, and quickly I realize why I never wanted to see them again. If I can't pass my salad off to someone else, I will move the components of it around my fork to make it appear to the waiter that I have eaten some of it.
So I do feel some shame about all this, but I don't see any future for me other than a diagonal life of a person whose body is in desperate need of a V8.
10 comments:
There may be some of the components of a salad that you might find enjoyable. Croutons, anyone?
My wife bought Jessica Seinfeld's cook book and apparently it is designed with you and me in mind. The recipes literally hide vegetables in them. So for instance, recently my wife was making fudge brownies and I came home to this most amazing smell. I grabbed one and it tasted amazing and as my eyes are glazing over a catch site of the open cook book and I'll be damned if the recipe didn't include brocolli. I spun around to my wife horrified, with my mouth full of unchewed browney and said, "wudz in neeze, bvroclee?" and she said yes.
I have to admit that I couldn't taste the brocolli. Since then she's hidden all sorts of vegetables from me and I had no clue.
You know you can skip the whole fruit and veggie thing and simply take supplements...I mean, if it's that torturous for you.
Now when you start bashing brussel sprouts then I'll be right there w/a baseball bat...(insert sad childhood story here)
When I was 7 I thought if I swallowed them whole I wouldn't taste them; however that just led to me getting the heimlich maneuver, and me having a sore throat for a week. Don't try it.
Chris,
that's too funny....you'll be sniffing your food in the future I assume?
Chris - Brownies are meant to hide a certain green, leafy substance, and it ain't brocolli.
I think bread counts for something, even if the grains are stripped of all their inherent nutrient-rich goodness.
Don't forget about pumpkin pie either!
how does one get tickets for the faux wang show?
and
does this mean that you're 32?
There's an Irish pub near my work that serves a beet cake. I've heard it's heavenly, better than a chocolate cake.
sidenote: I don't want you to think I don't enjoy fruits & veggies, cause I love em. I'm just trying to get you to open your palate.
Here's what I do for my son... there's a book... Jerry's Seinfeld's wife wrote it... about sneaking in the veggies as purees... you can even put them in brownies and stuff.
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