It's holiday shopping time. Across the country people are turning out in surprising numbers to get amazing deals and crush underpaid immigrants under the weight of their Christmas cheer. This is also a time of great stress as I, and my brethren, desperately struggle to decide what to get our significant others.
I'm not one of those folk who wants their girlfriend to specifically tell him what to buy, although once Dec. 20th rolls around and I start to wonder if my mother has anything cool I could steal, I reconsider my stance a bit.
It's the thought that counts, but I don't have a thought. I have thoughts. Numerous, ridiculous thoughts.
"What do girls like? Girls like clothes. I should get her clothes. What kinds of clothes does she like to wear? Why can't I remember what she wears? I hate it when she wears clothes. I can probably go to the store and pick out something good. Maybe a nice top, or some kind of frock. What size is she? If I get something too big she will say I think she is fat. If I get something too small she may feel fat and bite my nose off. Think! Think about when she talks about clothes! OK. She told me to never wear that button down one with the hot dogs on it ever again. Usually when she sees me in my underwear she laughs and says "Oh no. Oh Nooo." And here's her constant anti-jean shorts campaign...OK forget clothes.
How about shoes? If I get heels that are too big she might be taller than me. Do they still have those looks like a pump/feels like a sneaker deals? What's her shoe size again? OK forget shoes.
Jewelry!! Where do I get decent jewelry? Tiffany's. Chicks love that place. I wonder if they sell giant clock medallions. Oh these earrings are very ni-Holy shit this is expensive!! They have to have good items for a bit cheaper. Oh look this is only 100 dollars. A "sterling silver money clip." OK forget jewelry.
Maybe she would like some books. She is literate, and I remember knocking some off her bed every now and then. I wish i could remember what kind of books they were. Was there some kind of long haired pirate with an open shirt and windswept hair on the cover? Would a self-help book be insulting? Maybe something from Oprah's book club? Wait, I don't want her gaining enlightenment and realizing she should dump me. This is hard!"
If only she would be content with me tying a bow around my genitals and doing that Beyonce dance that all the kids seems to be into.
9 comments:
They are expensive, but a Tiffany's silver bracelet will get you at least a month of blow jobs.
Other suggestions - check out etsy.com for great crafted items - they have really cool handmade earrings and the like.
Seriously, what's wrong with a bow around the genitals?
I think Diane is on to something here. Its called the season of giving, but she poses a new twist, the season of giving to getting. I like it. Maybe I'll wrap my stuff with two bows.
Unless you want the next blowjob to leave teeth marks, I suggest you get to work on the x-mas present, pronto!
You are so funny I feel as if I am unworthy to even comment on here.
You should of been listening all year when she mentions something she likes. You taint head! Why don't guys think to do that. I swear everytime my BF says "Oh I like this" I tattoo it on my forearm and take a Polaroid picture of it. True story.
do not make the mistake,
unless EXPRESSLY told to do so,
of purchasing 'helpful' gifts like:
power tools (this is not your chance to re-stock your shed)
hand blenders or similar kitchen implements,
anything that implies she needs to lose weight - like the Thighmaster,
a vacuum cleaner or dust buster,
or items of clothing where you might not be quite sure of sizings. that way lies instant Christmas hell.
enjoy!!! (snickering)
I like Diane's idea. Tiffany's bracelet... definitely no clothes. definitely not lingerie. Books are good though. (I find that when i'm trying to type quietly my sentences make less sense. weird)
All women love cookbooks and gift certificates to Outback. Start here and you are assured victory over the holidays.
www.redenvelope.com...if you can't find something there, Ryan, there is no hope whatsoever of you ever getting laid again...
Gift cards, my friend, go over well with me. My friends husband did a gift card bouquet for all her favorite stores. Then he didn't have to worry if she would like it or insult her by not knowing. He just had to check out their credit card statement to see where most of his money went each month, and get their cards. Easy peasy.
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