Tis been an unpleasant few days here. Both the weather and my mood have taken a turn towards the twin cities of cold and dreary.
Have you ever had to run while holding an umbrella up? I did yesterday and it weirded me out, and it has nothing to do with my umbrella probably being the only completely white umbrella on the entire eastern seaboard.
It makes me nervous. I'm worried that me charging head on at amazing speeds into the wind will lead to the most embarrassing of umbrella mishaps. The dreaded inversion, where the umbrella is transformed into a rain gatherer and you feebly struggle to correct it's shape as people are staring at you and the rain is soaking you and you get nervous and agitated and wind up breaking at least 2 of the flimsy umbrella sticks that are made of tin foil and you have to walk around for the rest of the day with your limp umbrella shame dangling right in your face then you spin the umbrella around so you don't have to face your impotence anymore, but when you get to your destination you realize your ass is soaked because you didn't have full coverage and you've been doing a lot of lunges lately so your ass kind of sticks out now.
Hey. Hi. I blacked out for a minute. Anyway.
There was one thing that weirded me out more than running with the umbrella though. As I was sprinting towards my destination I came to a large puddle at the curb. "No puddle can stop me! No matter how large it is, my mighty legs shall guide me over it to safety," I thought. As I approached this small sea, something else entered my head. I began to think that if I jumped at this blistering speed while holding my umbrella, there is a chance I could catch a gust of wind and go airborne.
You may think this is ridiculous, but I know this guy who told me that his cousin's friend Bertram once got caught in an updraft while holding an umbrella and no one knew what happened to the kid until one day they got a call from him and he was in Costa Rica. So, yeah. Think about it.
By the time I stopped thinking about going on a fantastic voyage I was already waist deep in this Lake Huron of a puddle. I contemplated going limp and letting the current carry me off into the sewer where I could live in peace and become lord of the alligators, but I don't think there is anyone to steal wireless from down there.
Yikes. Obviously I only wrote this nonsense because I needed to get something up here this week. At least I made it through without making some stupid Rihanna reference.
come together, right now (literally)
4 years ago
15 comments:
Ohhh, Jenny is gonna get you! Don't feel bad, Jay still tries to use the Force to make things come to him. It has yet to work, and he has yet to quit trying.
Yeah, the weather has been a complete downer in NYC. I'm all for cooler weather OR rainy weather but not both simultaneously. That smacks of fall weather and I'm not ready to see the leaves change color yet.
Do you know it was the coolest day on record since the 1920s? Screw this Global Warming crap!
you said that you contemplated going limp.
heh.
Oh Ryan...I heart you. ;o)
If you get an umbrella like Mary Poppins had with the parrot head handle, you are guaranteed to fly . . .
if it's any consolation, the rain in spain falls mainly in the plain, and my, hasn't it been falling in bcn lately. i feel your rain, man.
here's an idea, though, that may work in nyc: the umbrella cab. it involves:
-rain (not that hard to be under in nyc)
-walking commuter (best if it's only a few blocks commute)
-person carrying an umbrella (self-explanatory)
pcu accompanies wc to their destination. currency is exchanged.
are you in?
I always walk w/ the umbrella tilted slightly to the front. Like I'm a knight who is preparing to joust.
Also, weird that you mention not mentioning Rhianna (Rihanna? whatever), & an hour after you posted this, I posted mentioning her & how she's not worth mentioning.
Man, that Mary Poppins was a piece of ass. Much like you Ryan, I believe she favored the split lunge.
omg i was in love with burt.
I'm pretty sure the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have wireless. Word on the street is that Splinter has a serious porn addiction.
I think it's time you came to terms with your homersexuality. The umbrella had rainbow stripes, didn't it? I'll bet you twirl it too.
Please Ryan, you know you wanted your butt "accidentally" soaked so you could show off the lunge-enhanced goods to the ladies.
Very smooth, brother, very smooth.
I've definitely had an umbrella invert on me-- it sucked. Which is why more times than not, I'll just go without-- or if it is really bad, I'll find my rain jacket.
oh, and you might have to explain that Mr. Slim comment.
Sometimes I think that if I jump in one of those puddles it will really be a hole filled with water and I will fall into it and never be seen again. But if I had a white umbrella it would not fit down the hole so it would ultimately save my life. So maybe you should give the umbrella more props than you are. You know, an umbrella has feelings too...
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