I am a picky eater.
This in itself is not an awful thing. There is something to be said for having "refined" tastes when it comes to food. The problem with me is that I have the diet of an undisciplined 6 year old.
Today we look at fruit.
Unless Skittles are considered fruit, I do not make a habit out of eating fruit. There have been periods in my life where I have gone years and years without fruit touching my lips.
One day I decided that I should try to eat an apple because they are good for your bowels and I was convinced a psychotic doctor was trying to kill me. I purchased a shiny red one from my local fruit vendor. It took a good 10 minutes of pumping myself up to get into a mental state where I would bite it. Unfortunately my physical state was not as ready, and I immediately spit out the small bit I had sheared off. Why? Because it tasted "too planty."
I have, on two occasions, forced myself to eat a few slices of an orange. Strangely, one of these times was in a school cafeteria surrounded by 50 or so people who. I am sure, were gawking at me and wondering if they had to run over and make sure I didn't bite my tongue during the epileptic fit I was obviously experiencing. Every time I would insert a slice into my mouth, I would have some kind of involuntary spasm that I figured was my body's physical rejection of this strange unknown substance.
I've tried berries of the straw and rasp kind, but the seeds skeeved me out. I will not use a melon for anything other than a way to keep my other hand busy during masturbation. I would be happy if I never saw a pineapple again. The only way I would ever buy a banana is if the ridiculous anti-monkey laws of this state are repealed. Millions of peaches? Peaches not for me. I'm positive a kiwi is some sort of egg, maybe for a platypus. I would consider eating a grape only if it was being fed to me by a barely clothed slave girl while riding on a palanquin.
In closing I will say that fruit is more useful for throwing at people purposes than eating purposes.
10 comments:
I wait the doctor's diagnosis of scurvy. It may be the only case in civilized society in 100 years.
How about juice? With alcohol mixed in? Tang? The astronauts drink/drank it, you know.
I'm thinking some Flintstones vitamins would cover both your fruit requirement and nutrient-deficient system.
I have learned to partake in the OJ. Kool Aid is so much tastier though.
Jay I once nearly ODed on Flintstones vitamins. I ate so many that I vomited a chalky purple mess all over myself. If I thought I could control myself I would take them.
hahaha... that's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Maybe because it's also somewhat horrifying...
My wife will buy fruit that will sit in our crisper until it no longer resembles anything edible. I'm thinking the cure for cancer lies somewhere in that petri dish.
ha! you big fussy baby!
how can you not like watermelon?
do they still make Tang, Diane?!
as children we'd dip our fingers into the jar, licking the sherbety goodness off, leaving us with rather alarming neon-orange fingers.
happy days.
projectivist - who knew? apparently they do!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tang_(drink)
thank you, Diane!
i paid particular attention to this bit of information:
A household tip says Tang is an excellent dishwasher cleaning agent due to its high citric acid content, although Kraft does not recommend it or advocate such use. Kraft's web site says:
"We have heard that some consumers have used TANG Drink Mix to clean their dishwashers. TANG does contain citric acid which can act as cleaning agent. TANG Drink mix is intended to be a food product and Kraft Foods does not advocate its use for any other purpose."
Your fruity enough already! Doh!
What about fruit pies? Everyone loves pie.
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