"You used to be charming"

These words were produced by the mouth of my girlfriend and flung towards my heart. If not for my abnormally strong ribs due to my bizarre habit of drinking a gallon of whole milk a day, these sharp words would have pierced me to my very core. Still, the blunt force of it hurt. It hurt bad. I have this strange high pitched wheeze whenever I exhale, and I can't read certain fairy tales without openly weeping.

I know you are suffering from a similar shock that I was experiencing after hearing this statement. How could anyone say that I am not completely charming? I apologize for what may be a boring post, but I feel I have no choice but to defend myself.

Oh Girlfriend. Have you considered that I am, in fact, no less charming than when I first got into your pants? Maybe it only seems like this because you dismiss the nice things I say and do for you.

Early on in our relationship if I were to comment on the loveliness of your hair, you would smile your gorgeous smile and start making out with me. If I were to make the same comment to you today, you would say, "Whatever. It's gross. I need to wash it. Make me french toast!" 

Many months ago when I would purchase for you an inexpensive but thoughtful gift, you would thank me and rub your hand over my crotch. Now you often tell me, "Buy me shoes" and elbow me in my tender shanks.

Maybe this is my own fault. Maybe I have too often proclaimed you beautiful and told you that I love you, and as a result it is no longer as special as it once was. This I can accept responsibility for. But to say I used to be charming and no longer am? Baby I got charm hangin' out my ass.

I'm only 65% sure I will regret this.