The first time I engaged in the beautifully awkward act known as fornication was a pretty bizarre experience. And I don't say that just because it's strange for a woman to take her clothes off around me when she knows I am in the room. The actual act of losing my virginity didn't take very long. I admit it. I was not the impressive 7 minute man I am today. The length of the act was debated later on but I'm going to go ahead and hit the middle zone and say it was around the 1:15 mark.
The poor girl who is involved in this story was very cute with luscious bosoms and a surprisingly strong ass. We had wound up in her bedroom making out whilst sitting on the bed. Naturally gravity became far too powerful and we both went horizontal. I clumsily groped and prodded her as we began to dry hump. At first that was wonderful until I started to get worried about possible chaffing from the intensity at which it was happening. Shirts started to fly to the other side of the room. Breast-induced vertigo began to set in. I think i recall her saying something about them. I'm not sure what it was but I got a mouthful...
Things progressed as they do in such heated and passionate situations, and I wound up almost completely naked (My socks were on) on top of a naked lady. My head was spinning from the wonderful bounty which God had brought before me and the fact she hadn't recoiled in horror upon seeing my genitalia. Neither of us had expected to be in this situation so we started setting boundaries on the fly. You know what I mean. It was one of those "We can just rub them against each other for a while that's all" situations that ended up leading to the always ridiculous "OK just put it in a little bit" that led to unprotected intercourse as it always does. I was inexperienced at the time and had no idea that "Just the Tip" was much like telling an Ethiopian to put a piece of steak in his mouth, but don't swallow!
I fumbled and misthrusted a few times before I hit my target, fully intending on just having sex with her a little bit. However once Tab A began to enter Slot B everything went white and a choir of angels descended from the heavens and started singing, "VAAAAGIIIIINAAAAAA vagina vagina vagina vagina omgitfeelsogoodcauseits VAAAAGIIIIINAAAA!"
So obviously now I'm on another planet. A planet where there is no war or poverty, where I for once don't think anything bad and I am just enjoying life as it is as dinosaurs dive around in their flying cars. The feeling of sex was so unlike anything that I have ever been involved with before. It was way better than embarrassment and totally killed rejection! It also was nothing like having my penis in my fist or between my couch cushions. I thrust away and enjoyed the good feelings.
Oh man this is great! The more I thrust the better it feels! Wow it's really starting to feel good now! I'm going to go faster! WOW THIS IS GR-Whoa! Wait! NO! HEY NOW! STOP!
Ohhhhh shit.
My vigorous movements had ceased. She looked at me puzzled as I was perched above her in a haze of confusion and sex and failing to have vacated the premises in time.
"Why'd you stop"
Uhhh
"What?"
I think I'm done
"What do you mean you think you're done?!"
I think I'm done
"You think?! Did you finish?!"
Uhhh. yeah.
"Oh my god"
Uhhhh yeah.
After being shoved off of her I made the genius move of suggesting we better go to the doctor in the morning to get one of them oh so convenient erasers known as the morning after pill. Because if there is one thing a woman wants to hear after she takes your virginity it's certainly something romantic like that. This obviously led to a naked fight. And by fight I mean me getting yelled at.
After about 20 minutes of crying and fully nude verbal abuse she finally yelled, "Why didn't you pull out?!" Pausing for a moment to come up with an excuse I responded with the most sensible answer I could think of.
"It got stuck"
Her eyes widened and she looked at me in disbelief. "It got stuck?!" She stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. In my head I was screaming at her "ITS NOT MY FAULT! YOU MUST HAVE QUICKSAND IN THAT THING!" Luckily it stayed in my skull until now.
Then came the laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. Thinking back I remember her looking down towards my nether region, then back up at my face and laughing even harder. That could just be something I imagined though. But probably not.
My bonehead answer did end the fight though. She calmed down, I stopped shaking in terror and we went on to have many many more instances of me disappointing her sexually. A Happy ending indeed.
It's so weird thinking back on it now because it seems like it was only yesterday it happened, and not at all like the 3 and a half months ago it was.
come together, right now (literally)
3 years ago
18 comments:
My first time was depressing. Even more depressing is the fact I've only had sex with one guy, and he's probably the only guy I'll ever bone. God, I need somne chocolate.
That was insanely funny. Should you find your junk in quicksand again someday and a baby in your arms 9 months later, I hope you regale them with that tale during your birds and bees speech in the years following.
And as for a basis of comparison, I lasted about as long my first time, but you can imagine how hard it is for a 9 year old to exercise any self control.
I think everybody's first time at sex is a letdown, but then again so is the first time at marriage!
Just kidding. Kind of.
"It got stuck." Oh dear, Ryan... Well, it's an epic story. I'm especially impressed as to how you managed to talk your way out of being tortured and killed. I really thought that was the direction this story was going to take.
My first time was on a neighbor's couch after a toga party
Your's sounds like more fun . . .
~sniff sniff~
~sigh~
Such a sweet & touching story... please pass the kleenex.
I just found your blog and I'd have to say that was one hell of a post. Haha... Good stuff!
I remember the good ol Tip Only days. Third grade was a fucking hoot.
See, the difference between a guys first time and a girls first time is pain. Most girls feel pain, and they feel this pain for a couple of hours. While you are in heaven and wondering how it could feel any better, a girl is wondering when the hell this is going to end so she can crawl into a ball and die.
Men suck.
Moron! Didn't you clean the pipes before you started making out??!
This is my first time reading your blog and I have to say, excellent post! Very entertaining.
However, if some guy had said, "it got stuck" to me, I'd probably kill him. Just saying.
Why DO guys take everything off but their socks?
MsP
Oh Ryan...LOL This was sooo funny, and yet, soooo sad.
My first time I was convinced there was no way "that was going to fit". LOLOLOL
Memories...
Mucho cajones for the post. Funny and insightful.
Um, so, you and the little lady in the story continued to have a relationship? How'd that turn out?
I hate to be such a guy, but you should get an award for having to deal with such a hissy fit on your first time.
Ah, to be young and dumb again.
OMG I am wiping tears of laughter from my eyes!
As a girl, we don't have the not-so-energizer bunny problem. Its less of "slow down, control and make it last" and more of "ok, this is really it? are we done yet?"
That story gets more awkward every time I hear it..
Now Me knows what to expect when me loses Me virginity. Is there anyway to keep the goil from laffin at me dingle??
Awesome. Not really what I was expecting at 7:30 am this morning, but still... much props.
Not sure I could have told my story on the blog, but rest assured, it was fabulously anti-climatic.... no pun intended.
Post a Comment