Monday, February 20

It's a Holiday.

I think today is President's Day or Pretzel Stick day or some shit. So in rememberance of a good dude and President, and in the interests of being lazy, here are some quotes from Abraham Lincoln.

- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

- Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

- Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

- When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.

- If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

- Does this hat make me look queer?

- No Mary Todd, I won't propose a Cleveland Steamer bill to congress until you tell me what it is.

- Nigga please!

Most of the quotes were jacked from

Thursday, February 16

a New Low

Today I will divulge some helpful info to you dudes. It's a lifeskill that everyone should know if they hope to get by these days and be successfull.

Vagina Jokes.

Everybpdy needs them. Everybody loves them. At some point you're going to run into a lady person who you don't particularly like because she is mean or refuses to let you touch her boobies. When this situation presents itself, you must be prepared because the one time women are always funny is when they are ripping a man to shreds.

So here are some lines about female genitalia that any man or woman can use if faced with a screaming harpy.

- Your vagina is so large, fingering you is like trying to get the prize from the bottom of a ceral box.

- Last time I saw a hole that big, Evil Knievel was jumping over it.

- Last time I saw a hole that big, they were lowering my grandmothers corpse into it.

- Your underpants filter more tuna vapors than the air vents at Starkist.

- Your vagina is so large, I could reach in and wave Hi to your pancreas.

- Your vagina is SOOO large, Shaqueal O'neal went to kick you in the crotch, and his foot got stuck.

- Your vagina is so large, there is a tollboth outside of it.

I could go on, but I'm completely disgusted and appalled with myself right now. Feel free to add your own and join in the self loathing

Wednesday, February 15

Chew on this

I just realized how similar Neuroligist and Urologist are. I'm sure it means something, but I can't figure it out now. I'm too busy thinking about tits.

My two favorite episodes of Baywatch are the one with the kid who hates that his dad is a midget until the midget dad saves some kid from drowning, and the one where David Hasselhoff has to show Geraldo how to be cool so he can win a woman's fancy.

I realize they probably got the name Gatorade because it was used at the University of Florida, but everytime I drink it I sweat I can taste the gator in it.

I have a weird thing for chicks in hats. Not sombreros or anything comically large, but a nice baseball cap, winter hat or ever a stupid ass cowboy hat will do wonders for me.

Snowboarding should not be an Olympic sport. Snowboarders are scumbags who mess up the slopes for us classy skier tyes!

One time I cut in front of this woman on line at the supermarket. She poked me in the back and said , "Where do you get off?!" I told her, "In this small canteen I keep attached to my belt." She didn't say anything after that.

Tuesday, February 14

Shmalentines Day

This may create a wave of shock that will render people unconscious in a 10 miles radius, but I do not have a significant other at the moment. I can't even be bothered to lie about it and make one up like I usually do. "Oh her name is Ingrid. She is a top swimsuit model from Sweden. We met when she was in New York for a photo shoot and definitely NOT on the internet."

Maybe this lack of a partner is why I don't particularly care that today is Valentines Day. Although, I can recall several fights I have had because I didn't care it was Valentines Day when I did have a girlfriend.

I'm not one of these people who will go around preaching how this is a made up holiday by the card companies to fatten their wallets ( I only do that on Arbor Day) because I see it more of a pointless holiday. If I love someone I don't need a day of the year set aside to remind them of this. I should be telling them everyday. Valentines Day has no use to me and I don......brb

Ok forget all I just said. Someone just called me over and gave me a satchel full of assorted Hershey's miniatures. I forgot about the free candy part of the holiday. God damn I love me some Mr. Goodbar. I gotta find someone to ditj these gross Dark Chocolate ones on. YAY VALENTINES DAY!!

My day started off very romantically. I had a dream I was in a hotel room . There were two beds. I was occupying one and a cousin of mine was in the other. He had a girl in his bed, and I had one in mine. This girl changed identities several times, but her actions were the same throughout. She was dry humping the befuckinjesus out of me. A hole was wearing out of my pajama pants. I think she also tried to dry hump my face. I forget why she refused to take her pants and undercrackers off. At the end of the dream I have a feeling the girl was Jessica Alba.

Speaking of Jessica Alba. My friend and fellow primate-named blogger Monkey Movie Star has a recent post about the amazing acting talent that is Jessica Alba. You can also check out herIM rant on the wreck known as Mariah carey while you're there.

Monday, February 13

Nobody cares about me

But I was tagged by booger Becky. So here goes anyway
Four Jobs I've Had:
Hot Dog Dispensing Specialist
Spongebob Squarepants Imitator
Four Movies I can Watch Over and Over:
The Goonies
The Lost Boys
Rear and Pleasant Stranger
The one where R. Kelly pees on that kid
Four Places I've Lived:
Under my neighbors porch (2 weeks)
On one of the top shelves in the gardening section of Home Depot (3 days)
An oversized diarama based on Johnny Tremain. (1 month)
The Ballpit at McDonalds (3 weeks)
Four Shows I Love:
The Office
Mamma Mia (Broadway. I'm cultured bitches)
Four Places I've Vacationed:
Myrtle Beach, South Whatever
The Hamptons
Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge, The Poconos (where all you have to bring is your love of everything, especially semen stained sheets)
Your mom's vagina
Four of my favorite dishes:
Any dish with food on it is my favorite x 4
Four sites I visit daily:
WARNING: Some of these probably shouldn't be opened at work
Lemon Party (like this one)
Hot Model Veronica Moser(this one for sure)
Cryptomundo(this one is fine)
The Esplanade construction site
Four places I'd rather be right now:
The Couch
Middle Earth
An Olympic Sized pool filled with Hawaiian Punch
Betty White's Mouth
A week ago it was 65 degrees outside and I was struttin around in jam shorts. Over the weekend we had the biggest blizzard in recorded NYC history.

It's been a while since we had a big snowstorm, so I did several snowstorm related things that I have been missing.

I love being outside during a blizzard. I bundle myself up with jackets, hats, scarves, etc. I even busted out the snowpants for this one. I think I enjoy wearing all that crap because I get a false sense of invulnerability. Like I can get hit by a car and just bounce back up because of my Goretex. So anyway, I head out into the blizzard when the snow is falling at it's heaviest and the wind is whipping around at it's fastest, and I walk up and down the street pretending I'm on Hoth looking for Luke Skywalker. It's a good thing no one let out their dog or I would cut it open and sleep inside it's stomach.

Some guys where zippin around the neighborhood on snowmobiles, which isn't really a regular occurance in New York City. It was kind of annoying, but it did give me the rare opportunity to throw snowballs at some jackoffs on snowmobiles.

Ok my back aches from shovelling and I got tagged like the big fat rhino that I am and have to make another post today so this is it for now.

Friday, February 10

Some things I dreamt this week

- Distracting submarines and then dodging their torpedoes underwater

- trying to assassinate Pat Morita , who apparently became the leader of a small nation.

- failing in my assassination attempt because the night vision gun wouldn't fire

- receiving a back massage from a naked lady while an old timey kinda family was in the next room having coffee cake

- being lost in the wilderness looking for my dog and dodging lions

- My dog trying to mate with a Tiger to create some kind of Schnauger.

- hanging out on a couch with Hillary and hayley Duff and being strangely attracted to Hillary despite the fact I dislike her in real life partially because she is weird looking and partially because she dates a whiney douchebag. It's those fuckin icebreaker whatever the shit commercials. Messin me up

- Roy Schieder, not in a bean bag chair

All in all it was a slow week. Probably because of the lack of sleep and that guy who keeps breaking into my house and waking me up by trying to suck milk from my nipples.

Thursday, February 9

10 Things You Didn't Know About Scott Baio

1. Scott Baio released an album which included his take on a Harry Belafonte classic, but instead of Day-O he said "Baio."
2. Recently, Scott Baio pitched a new idea for a spin-off based on his old sitcom where he and his girlfriend would run a Japanese Steakhouse. The show was called "Joanie Loves Hibachi"
3. Scott Baio's penis appears to be different colors depending on which angle you are viewing it.
4. Scott Baio turned down the lead role in Titanic and stated as his reason, "Scott Baio doesn't do fat chicks."
5. Charles is not in Charge. Scott Baio is.
6. Scott Baio refers to one of his bodily fluids as "Baio Mayo."
7. Scott Baio also pitched a new idea for a TV show where he would play a police officer in Maui. It was called "Hawaii Bai-O"
8. Scott Baio is obsessed with Star Wars and often can be seen in a large brown robe, swinging a light saber and referring to himself as "OBaio Wan Kenobi."
9. Scott Baio is disgusted at the idea of animals being killed for human consumption, but he doesn't see anything wrong with roughing them up a little.
10. Scott Baio is Asian.

And for your viewing pleasure. This is the real Chompy Brown, before his fro grew in.

Wednesday, February 8

Audio Blogger Fucks up my line spacing!

I definitely got eaten by a Zebra this morning again.
As a result, I'm taking the easy way out andsharing more pictures buried deep within the bowels of my hard drive.
I love Sinbad. I think he is one of the funniest bastards I have ever had the pleasure of seeing tell jokes on an HBO special in a bright yellow and purple jumpsuit. He ain't lookin so hot in this picture. In fact he kind of looks like a huge retarded kid on a huge retarded field trip. Believe me though, if you check out Showtime at the Apollo, which he hosts these days, you will see a much more suave and debonair Sinbad. The Sinbad we all fell in love with on "A Different World" all thsoe years ago.

Here is me doing one of my favorite Sinbad jokes and failing at life
this is an audio post - click to play

This is my artist's rendition of my friend's ferret, Chompy Brown. He is a bad ass mother SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I'm just talkin bout Chompy Brown!

The Real version enjoys biting ankles, eating pizza in the closet, and relieving himself next to me on the couch.


There would be a few more if that god forsaken audio post didn't screw everything up and make it 10 times more difficult for a clueless spazz like myself to post!

I will save the pictures of me and the Wilson brothers comparing jawlines for another day.

Tuesday, February 7

I need Nytol

I keep staying up really late every night. Some times I am doing stupid things like using the internet, and sometimes I am doing important things like using the internet. If I keep doing this I'm going to go insane from lack of sleep. I will wander the streets in tattered rags mumbling incoherent things about Fidel Castro being the clear favorite on Bobsledding with the Stars. People wont give me money because I am obviously demented so I will have to eat garbage. I will lose weight because people don't usually throw out anything tasty. That's the food they finish. Then one day a group of people will kidnap me and drag me to Africa where I will be stuck into the fabulous world of white slavery. After months of being beaten and worked to the bone. I will have the stupid idea to lead a white slave revolt. Things go terribly wrong when I forget to include any other slaves in on my plan. When my one man revolt is stopped my masters will punish me by forcing me to fight in coliseum like events where I am put in a ring to fight exotic and dangerous animals.

So I'm going to head to sleep earlier form now on because my mom would be pissed if I got eaten by a Zebra.

Monday, February 6

It's the Chinese symbol for Attention Whore

Yesterday I went with a friend of mine to a Tattoo Parlor because she wanted to get her lip pierced. As I was waiting in the store, I checked out all kinds of art they had on display. Some of it was incredible. Some of it was fucking weird.

Who are the skeevs out there getting lifelike naked ladies etched onto their skin? For me, a tattoo is something that is supposed to have meaning to the person who gets it (or at least look totally bad ass!) What does a tat of a nude woman doing some kind of advanced yoga stretch mean to someone? Man oh man do I love titties?

There was one piece of art I saw on the wall that disturbed me to no end. It was large and would probably take up most of someone's upper back. I am probably wrong, but I swear to god it looked like Tony Danza fishing on a lake.

I only have one tattoo myself and yes, it is on my ass. I got a second buttcrack drawn on just to confuse my toilet.

If any you persons have a cool or meaningful tattoo, tell me about it so I can steal it and get one and join the rest of the world finally.

Friday, February 3

Shamrocks and Shenanigans

Keeping with the theme from yesterday, I am going to tell you a strange experience I just had at work. I was talking on the phone to an Irish gentleman about some CDs he wanted me to send him to have a listen to. He seemed agigtated for some reason or another. Eventually this happened.

Me: So if you want, that's what I can do for you right now.

Irish: Lister, ya got ta understand somethin

Me: What's that?

Irish: The Otter tastes, they own matter.

Me: ... What?

Irish: The otter tastes, they own matter.

Me: I'm sorry can you say that again


Me: The Otters what?

Irish: What's wrong with ye ears boy! The Otter Tastes own matter!

Me: *laughs*

Irish: *Unintelligible screaming apart form the word Fucker*

And then he hung up on me. I've been hearing Irish accents for almost 10 years now, and I still have no clue what that guy said.

Thursday, February 2

Idiocy is genetic

Several years back my parents decided to have some work done on the old house. So for a good week during the summer there were a bunch of dudes hanging in, around and on the house, and for once it wasn't because my mom is a slut! lol @ my mom

As they worked on the roof, they removed parts of it and flung them to the ground without much regard for what they were hitting. While they were working on the front of the house, this debris was falling down onto flowers that my father had planted.

Now my father spends a lot of time digging and planting and generally gardening like a mo fo. He loves doing it. I think it relaxes him. Either that or he just wanted a reason to be out of the house and away from me and my brother fighting over who ate the last of the Cocoa Puffs. The point is, it's pretty important to him.

So my dad yells up to the guy on the roof, "Hey! Could you try not to throw that stuff onto the flowers?" The guy says agrees, no problem. My father starts to walk away to the back of the house when he hears the guy on the roof yell to someone else...

"Hey! The Homo doesn't want us ruining his flowers!"

My dad freezes in his tracks. He could not believe his ears. Did that guy just have the gall to call him a homo for not wanting his flowers ruined? Like he is some kind of a pansy loving pansy? A Flower pickin gay lord? I give him credit, and am shocked, because he didn't run back over there and immediately start a fight. Instead he started fuming and went inside to look for my mother.

Dad: *Slams Door*
Mom: What's the matter with you?
Dad: You will not fucking believe this!
Mom: Ryan actually went to class today and then applied for a job?
Dad: No I didn't see any pigs soaring by
Mom: Then what is it?
Dad: One of the guys out there called me a homo because I didn't want my flowers ruined!
Mom: Well gardening is kinda fruity...
Dad: Zip it woman!!

Ok maybe the end of that didn't happen exactly the way I said, but he was furious beyond belief. He stomped around the house and yard for fifteen minutes, face totally red with rage and smoke coming out of his ears telling anyone but the workers about how highly insulted he was. This included my instigating neighbor.

Dad: Fred, come over here.
Fred: What is up dude
Dad: You won't believe this.
Fred: Your son brought a girl home that isn't 300 pounds and heavily sedated?
Dad: Yeah right do you see any winged monkeys exited my anus?
Fred: What?
Dad: Anyway, One of the guys working ont he house called me a Homo!
Fred: Whoa man that's not cool. You should totally call him out on it.
Dad: You think so? But they still have to finish the roof and I don't want to doa nything to prevent that
Fred: No man you can't let someone dis you like that. You need the respect man. You are the Boss here. You pay them, the lowly laborers man. You gotta go dress him down.
Dad: You're right Fred! Im going to go do that now.

Because my dad was so incensed he was pretty susceptible to Fred's ridiculous provocation. He marched over to the guy in charge of the workers filled with anger and ready to let it explode all over the flower hater. "Who are you to call me homo? I'm paying you I deserve respect! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my flowers! prepare to die!"

He told the guy he would like to speak to the worker on the roof, but he did not say why. The guy said ok and he yelled up to the evil homophobe...

" Hey Jimmy! The HOMEOWNER wants to talk with you! "

Upon hearing this my father's rage, and stomach, fell right out of his ass. The realization that he had been fuming for the past twenty minutes because he misheard the word "homeowner" was bitch slapping my dad right in the face which was still bright red, but from embarrassment now.

Stuck in a whirlwind of shame, my father had no time to think of something to say to his former arch-nemesis whow as all of a sudden right in front of him. He managed to blurt out "Umm Thanks for not hitting the flowers anymore. You want a beer or something?" The guy said he would love one. My father went inside, grabbed a beer from the fridge and handed it to the worker outside who said...

"What the hell is this? O'Douls? You faggot!"

Wednesday, February 1

Self Image

I'm totally shot today, so here is an incredibly lazy post.

These three pictures are ones that I have sent other people when they have asked me what I look like. I believe all are a pretty accurate representation of my appearance.