Friday, December 30

I need to grow up

I sit 3 inches in front of the TV to watch Dragonball Z while I'm eating cereal or peanut butter and jelly that will be followed up with a tall glass of chocolate milk that I hopefully won't spill on my Spiderman pajamas because I am laughing too hard when someone says the word "poop".

I pray to God for large snowfalls so I can stay home and play in it all day long stopping only to go back inside to read comic books and sip on hot chocolate.

This picture is my current desktop wallpaper ----->

I still refer to my parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy" when I am speaking to my brother.

Girls scare me, but I don't think anything would be more fun than stealing and reading the diary of one.

I spend at least an hour each day planning out how I can build a fort.

The blog I originally wrote for today was about how funny it is when my dog is constipated.

Also this is my favorite song/video ever now.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

In case it isn't common knowledge, there are some serious wackjobs in New York City. They are the delicious bacon bits in the salad that is Gotham. Sure a lot of them smell like dog shit in an old shoe, but being mental makes you sweat!

My earliest memory of one of the colorful folk happened when I was about 8 years old. I was traveling to work with my father one morning because I had the day off from school and no one in the neighborhood wanted to babysit me because of my problems with excessive gas. I remember sitting next to my dad on the subway being very excited. I loved going into work with my father because I was allowed to play with the copy machine and make deadly paper clip whips.

My excitement quickly turned to confusion when a nutbag opened the door to our car and stepped in. He was a black dude who looked to be in his late 40s. His jacket was brown, but that could have been because of the filth it has been accumulating for god knows how long. Some manner of cane was in his right hand as he limped forward with strange "Richard Pryor acting cool" movements.

He stopped and addressed the train.


Being eight at the time, I had no idea what the hell he was talking about when he screamed and slurred this, but it still managed to scare the shit out of me and the majority of the people in the car. The train soon stopped and my father grabbed me by the arm and yanked me forward until we were three cars ahead of our original one. I can't remember ever seeing people file out of some where that fast besides my high school drama class production of "Ernie Hudson: The Musical"

Looking back on it, he was much smarter and saner than I have been at times. Just ask my 11 children.

Wednesday, December 28

Tagged and Beat

I was tagged by my pall RevRee the other day. Due to head injuries I suffered while wrapping Christmas presents, I only just remebered it today so I have to answer the following questions

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
A Peanut Butter and jelly Sandwich

Wish for 6 more wishes:
1. Some Milk to drink with my sandwich
2. Bigger Wang so my Man Toe is more impressive
3. Super Strength like the Hulk
4. That Beverly Hills 90210 was real
5. That I went to school at West Beverly
6. All Those legends like the Loch Ness Monster, bigfoot, the chupacabra, Mindy Cohn. etc were also real and we all played badminton together.

What animal would you be?

Something you want to do in your life.
Jump kick a purse snatcher.

One song you could listen to over and over again.
Madonna - La Isla Bonita. I'm a gay

Coke or Pepsi?

Something you currently desire.

One good deed you've done lately.
I could have farted on this lady on the subway, but I didn't

A funny moment in your life.
This one time I farted on this lady in the subway.

That was FUNtastic! I love questions

Tuesday, December 27

I am responsible for the deaths of at least 40 million Russians

At least that's what this website claims.

You upload a picture and it tells you somehow which celebrities you resemble. Aside from a score of 58 percent with friggin Stalin, I also apparently look like Billy Bob Thornton, Britney Spears, John Cusack, John Travolta and fucking Chester A. Arthur!!. My highest match was with Omar Sharif

According to the equal percentage I got, if Kevin Smith and Angelina Jolie had a child, it would be me. A hairy big lipped mutant.

Who do you look like?

Monday, December 26

What did you get for Christmas?

I got

A Clay Aiken CD
Some gift cards to blockbuster. I didn't know people still went to Blockbuster.
A Lord of the Rings Calendar (Wheee!)
A sensible pair of brown slacks.

Here's hoping you made out better than I did

Friday, December 23

MEsus Christ

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Tomorrow is also my birthday.

Besides my obvious Jesus complex, I know what you're thinking, "So close to Christmas! You must get screwed big time!" Well I am here to set the record straight.

Yes, I totally get jipped for both my birthday and Christmas.

I would either get Birthday cards with "Merry Christmas!" stuck in on the card or Christmas Cards with "and a Happy Birthday" snuck(this word looks so not right to me) in somewhere. But no matter which route my well wisher chose, I could count on one thing. There would be an amount of money inside appropriate enough for only one gift giving celebration.

I don't want to sound like an ungrateful ass or anything, but 25 dollars inside a combo card means they are giving me $12.50 for each. It's only common human decency to give someone an even dollar amount for their birthday! Cheap jerks!

As bad as the money situation was, the gifts were even more depressing. Nobody likes getting some crappy snowman covered sweater for their birthday or Xmas, but half a crappy snowman covered sweater for each is even worse.

The absolute low point came the year my parents got me a new pair of sneakers. On my birthday I got the left one. When I woke up on Christmas morning I received the other. There are few things more pathetic looking than a young Ryan bobbing up and down as he approaches his birthday cake to blow out the candles wearing one lousy gay ass British Knights hightop.

The cake is always the highlight of my birthday. I would have to share it with any other relatives who were born within 3 months of Christmas so there was never enough room to put names on the cake. Instead it just said "YAY!" However I do loves me some ice cream cake and I can't fucking wait have my yearly make out session with Cookie Puss or Fudgie the Whale.

I wish someone would get me a Bidet for my BDay.....

This picture is so disturbing.

Thursday, December 22

Random Acts of Random

Sex with like me is a lot like a snowstorm. Beforehand there is all this talk of 6-8 inches overnight, but when it's all said and done all you got was half an inch and an uncomfortable commute the next morning. (what?)

I think Stephen Hawking is faking it.

Whenever I use the spell check function before I post, it always tells me "blog" is not a word.

It may seem hilarious to tell a woman "Burp on my dick," but trust me on this, it will just wind up getting you kicked out of the nursing home.

I will have three sons. They will be named Gravel, Turnbuckle and Goku.

I think if we lived underwater more people would be in shape because no one wants to be covered in ass barnacles.

I also think more people would support the war in Iraq if The President would curse. There's no way him saying, " We gotta bitch slap them god damn asshole insurgent bitches because we're the mother fucking United States of America," wouldn't bump those poll numbers up a point or ten.

Some of you may wonder what I look like so here you go.

Wednesday, December 21

There's No Business Like SNOW Business


I hate being cold, but I love the crap out of snow. I don't know if I am programmed from praying to get out of school for so many years, but I still at the tender age of 57 hope for city-paralyzing amounts of snow every day

There are a couple of moments that stand out in my mind as great times involving snow. They will probably all involve people from my neighborhood because my neighborhood kicked 10 kinds of ass.

One time after a particularly large snowfall, the snowplows had created a giant pile of snow on the corner of my street. It had to be 8 feet tall if it was an inch!

Myself and some friends of mine gathered around this mini Mt Fuji and did what anyone would do when confronted with such a snowy superstructure. We raced to the top and tried to chuck eachother off of it down into traffic. After a while when we got bored, and our concussion were affecting our balance, we tried something else. We planned to dig a tunnel to the center of the mound and create a snow fort where we could live in for months. Yes we were idiots.

After about 45 minutes we had hollowed out the middle of the pile pretty nicely and 3 of us could cram in there at once. All of use took turns sliding in the tunnel , sitting inside and then coming back out again. Once you already went inside and checked it out, you began to realize that not only would it be silly to try and use this thing as living quarters, but it was also really fucking cold in there. So after 4 of us had been inside and come to this realization, we looked at eachother and silently decided there was only one thing that could be done.

When the last of our friends was inside, the four of us outside began to jump on and kick the outside of the mountain hoping to cause a deadly cave in! I personally delivered several Macho Man Randy Savage caliber elbow drops to cause massive amounts of destruction. My friend was yelling fromt he inside and trying to get out. "KNOCK IT OFF ASSHOLES! SHIT! HELP! STOP! AAIIEEEE!"

He nearly made it out. It was pretty cool actually becaus eit all came down on him , but he managed to get a hand outside which we proceeded to High Five relentlessly.

This story may make me sound very immature because at the time I was 24, but if you consider that my friends are 8 years old it isn't that bad.

Tuesday, December 20

Have You Been Working Out?

Junior High school was a tough time for me as a short chubby weiner kid with glasses in a world of 6'2" 12 year olds and 8th graders with moustaches that would put Tom Selleck to shame.

One day was particularly bad for my already flimsy ego. Everything seemed very normal after I got up in the morning. I got up, pretended to take a shower so y mom wouldn't yell at me and say kids wont like me if I smell, had some Crispix and headed to school. Things took a disturbing turn during 2nd period however.

I was sitting in English class trying not to get an erection from the girl sitting next to me and I got an itch on my shoulder. I reached under my shirt to scratch it and immediately noticed something strange. There was something under my shirt. I tried to remove it but it was stuck. I continued to feel around and then froze in terror as I realized that this foreign object was a shoulder pad. Horror-stricken, I slowly brought my hand back to my desk as one thought kept replaying over and over in my head. "Oh my god I am wearing my mom's shirt!!!"

My mind quickly spiraled into a black pit of shame and embarrassment. How could I have not known it was my mom's shirt?! I should have realized something was wrong when my 45 pound backpack felt way less uncomfortable than usual. Had I been able to keep myself calm, I would have asked for the bathroom pass and tore the strangely comfortable pads out and been rid of this problem, but I am an eternal dumbass and this did not happen.

Before I could collect my thoughts, the period ended and I had to make it to the next class without any of the marauding behemoths in the hallways noticing my more imposing stature. I successfully made it through two more classes and headed to lunch. My plan was to fix this all at lunch. I could run to the bathroom and make the proper adjustments. I thought I was in the clear when the worst possible thing happened.

My friend came up behind me and in a very neighborly gesture put his hand on my shoulder to do so. I barely managed to keep my sphincter clenched as I felt his palm land on my cushioned shoulder. I felt him feel around with his hand to determine what the hell was going on under there. A few seconds turned into an eternity as I waited for something horrible to inevitably leave his mouth.

"What the hell are you wearing shoulder pads for," he asked me. I couldn't even get a word out. I stuttered and stammered and laughed nervously for a good 20 seconds. I sounded like a confused and terrified hyena. It was too late. Other people had come over and noticed something was going on. "Ryan is wearing shoulder pads," he told my friends who had gathered around.

At this point I was in full red alert panic mode. The adrenaline was rushing all over my body as my brain instinctively prepared to save me from this situation. Unfortunately my brain is a defective piece of shit, and what it made me say haunted me for a long while.

"It's not really my shirt! It's my mom's!"

I really don't need to tell you what happened after that, I hope.

This is why for a very long time I was known as "Mom Shoulders"

Monday, December 19

Bill Cosby Stole My Dream

Over the weekend I had a couple of strange dreams.

I don't even remember the first half of this one, but I was in the back seat of an SUV with two guys (Not like that you fuckin jerks) I went to High School with. The driver lost control and we headed towards a cliff. I remember being terrified as we headed over the side of it, but that didn't last long as we landed in some kind of river and drove out to safety. However, we were now lost and in some kind of rural area. A search helicopter flew right over us and somehow didn't see us.

We wound up at a cafeteria where animals and people were eating and socializing. My friends told me to dress up in a bear suit so I could fit in and get some info. Everyone thought I was a real bear and was asking me if I remembered the time I mauled this guy or rubbed myself against that tree.

Something really strange happened when one guy saw my real face and told me I had "DVD eyes"

More shit happened after that involving shea stadium and some ghosts, but it's hazy.

The next day I had another strange dream.
I was in a gymnasium playing a very chaotic basketball game with some large men. Amongst these guys was Bill Cosby himself. I remember feeling very nervous in the dream because on yahoo chat I go by the name bill_cosby_stole_my_pants(add me ladies WINK WINK), and I was worried he had heard about it and was going to sue me for libel. I was also worried he was actually going to reach out and remove my pants then hightail it out of there leaving me drafty and depressed in my boxers with pigs farting on them.

I don't remember how this ended either but I was a defensive force. In fact I blocked one of Bill Cosby's shots with such force that his shorts filled with pudding pops and he made that face.

I hate myself. Tell me what it all means.

Friday, December 16

Half Assed Post

Here is my excellent Christmas pickup line.
My tree is ready to be decorated and I am looking for an Angel to stick on top.

I saw King Kong yesterday and I enjoyed it immensely. I can't think of a better way to end a week that started with a rhinocerous fighing minotaurs than with a giant ape beating the piss out of some tyranosauruses.

These two elderly irish jerkwads were sitting behind me in the theater narrating the whole time. I thought about telling them to shut up, but if I have learned anything from work and my family it is that blarney filled coffin dodgers don't shut up no matter what.

Here is a picture for your enjoyment. Examine it for a few seconds

Now look at this one.

I can only wish that they have no idea who this ebony fellow is and no one at the party knew he was there until they examined the picture closely.

Thursday, December 15

Random Like Ralph Kramden

I would like to write a comic book about a Homeless Man who gains super powers after eating radioactive garbage. His name would be Trash Bin and he would stand on the street holding a sign that reads "Will Fight Evil For Food." He would have a drinking problem and one of the super villains he would battle would be a giant and super smart Rat created from the same garbage. The rat would be of average human intelligence, but still super smart compared to other rats. Steal this idea and I will cut off your elbows!

Tiger Woods has eyes like a ventriloquist dummy.

Everytime I go to the gym (3 times a year) there is this one dude who is always screaming like a wounded buffalo while he is lifting weights. Every time he does it I wonder what kind of noise he would make if I ran over and kicked him in the nuts while he was doing a squat.

How come I can blow all over a birthday cake and everyone has a piece, but if I drink out of someone's straw they need a new one.

I dislike MTV for many reasons these days(lack of videos and the bastardization of the Video Music Awards), but the latest came yesterday as I was watching what passes for TRL now and they somehow managed to make me nostalgic for the good ol' days of Carson Daly. Fuckers.

My gang name is Cookie Puss

The only thing that makes me feel better than helping some one less fortunate than I am is realizing there is someone less fortunate than I am.

For some reason I love cover songs. Some of my current favorites are:
No Use For A Name - Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode Cover)
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Hello (Nicole Ritchie's Dad Cover)
Metallica - Astronomy (Blue Oyster Cult.... I think)
Franz Ferdinand - What you Waiting For (Gwen Stefani Cover)
And my all time favorite - The Foo Fighters - Baker Street ( Gerry Rafferty Cover)

Any time I put useless info in my blog about myself and things I like I feel like a complete double douchebag.

The hottest women on television are on the news.

Most volunteer jobs are ones you normally couldn't pay most people enough money to do.

My birthday is quickly approaching. I am ready for it this time. I am going to hide in my closet and when the scumbag shows up I'm going to throw a potato sack over his head and beat him with a Nok Hockey stick until he agrees to never visit me again.

Wednesday, December 14


That's right everyone! It's finally the greatest holiday of the year.

Dec. 14th. National Monkey Day! The day where we all gather together with our families to celebrate all things monkey.

To celebrate I thought I would show everyone a few kinds of monkeys and impart to you, my friends some info about them.

No, this isn't our dearly departed Pat Morita. This is a Capuchin Monkey. Capuchin monkey's live in trees from the looks of this picture. They enjoy a diet of various fruits and the occasional Blow Pop.

Up next is this sad sack Colobus Monkey. They have a white face and jet black hair. Colobus monkeys are known for being unusually depressed for an animal. They spend most of their day sitting around listening to songs about how much life stinks and updating their blog/livejournal/myspace. Every colobus monkey likes to think they are unique and different from the other ones even though they all look and act the same.

This rainbow coalitioned faced monkey is known as the Mandrill. They are kind of like a Baboon on acid as far as I can tell. The male Mandrills not only have the colorful face that you see here, but also a total ROY G BIV penis that they proudly display during maing season and at sporting events. Be thankful you can't see the other end of this great beast.

This handsome son of a gun right here is the Proboscis Monkey. I still can figure why it's called that. Anyway, Proboscis monkeys are best known for being 10 pounds of ugly in a 5 pound bag. They have extremely nasal high pitched howls. Proboscis monkeys will try to tell you they have a "Roman nose" because it sounds better than dick face.

This jazzy bastard right here is commonly known as an Ass Monkey.
Although granted with opposable thumbs, the ass monkey finds it difficult to operate doors (especially in China). Ass monkeys are also known for lying to push forward hidden agendas and catering to the Texas banana barons. Ass monkeys can be commonly found on vacation when they are most needed.

YEAH POLITICAL COMMENTARY ON MY BLOG! What now Sean Hannity? Its your move bitch!!

To learn more about Monkey Day, please visit here...

Happy Monkey Day!

Tuesday, December 13

I can't use blinds

This is going to be the dumbest blog ever, but I just got my computer working again so I'm exhausted from screwing and plugging things in.

Well, I can use them half the time. I'm a master of raising blinds. if there was an Olympic Event for blind raising, I would medal in the sprints for sure.

But one of the many things I suck at is lowering them. I can never get the proper angle that you have to pull at to lower them so every night I am standing there with the blinds totally up and me completely visible in my Spiderman pajamas.

When I finally get them to start lowering it gets fucked up even more. It lowers loipsided. I will get one side completely down, but the other is halfway up the window. I'm a blinds lowering spaz.

These problems severely hamper my nights as I am very shy about my neighbors seeing me practice my nude flamenco dance routine before it's perfected.

Anyone wan't to help me pick out curtains?

Monday, December 12

Me So Horny

My computer is literally about to burst into flames right now so this will be rushed. Who the hell knew computers had fans in them anyway? You'd think they'd make them with central air by now.

I went to see Chronicles of Narnia today. I only went because I heard the title wrong and thought it was an Ice Cube movie called "You Lying now bitch and I burn yo Wardrobe"

Anyway, I'm very happy I went because I got finally to see a rhinocerous charge the fuck out of a minotaur. Now I have to figure out what my next goal in life is.

I would also like to say I am ajackass because for the 6864868464th time I got a pail full of Cherry Coke and drank it all before the previews ended. Everytime time I go to a movie I wind up standing in the aisle for the last 30 minutes doing the god damn pee pee dance.

Spellcheck is for chumps.

Sunday, December 11

High Five!

I don't like my hand.

But, it is on display like the sideshow freak that it is at my friend's blog The Life and Times of RevRee

See if you can guess which one is mine!

Friday, December 9


I hate when bands have music videos that are just them playing. How boring is that? We all know what it looks like when someone is playing an instrument by now. Be creative! Make a story to your song. Say one about a guy who has to fight Ninjas and alligators to make his way home to his beloved cheese sandwich.

I'm tired of rappers telling people to get the party started. They have all that bling they can pay for the hats and the cake and get it started their fucking selves.

There is a hot new Arab rapper about to explode onto the scene named Chocolate Sheikh

If I was a superhero my power would be explosive lactation. I would be called Captain Calcium or The Pasteurizer and say things like "Evil your expiration date is today!"

My friend asked to borrow some CDs. I told them they could SEE DEEZ NUTS! lmao @ me!

If I was stuck on an island and could only have one book, one movie and one song, I would kill myself with a conch shell.

I want to have a Snowball, Acorn, or Itchy Ball fight.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about when I menion Itchy Balls?

One night I took a bite out of the bottom half of my brothers leg. It was the worst veal I ever tasted.

Here's another Albert Fish butt eating related drawing

Thursday, December 8

Bomb Lebanon!

Here is a shocking confession for you people.
I look at porn on occasion.

Pick your jaw up off the floor and let's continue.

I think there is a major problem in porn. The problem are the overly tanned ex-con looking wang monsters in porn. They seem to forget that 99 percent of the people watching aren't watching it for them. It's hard enough for me to fight the depression monsoon raging in my head from the sight of a penis 17 times the size of the one Im feebly stroking, but then they start grunting and groaning like a Sea Lion shitting shrapnel (pictured to the right) to shove my genitalia back up into my body cavity.

There needs to be affirmative action instituted in porn in favor of mute Asians.

Maybe now you'd say, "Hey loserface, why don't you just avoid the dudes and watch lesbian porn." Well jerk, I won't watch lesbian porn because lesbians are scum. Ok maybe that's a bit harsh, but it makes me laugh so I will stand by it.

I don't really "get" lesbian porn or even why guys get all wacky over two broads bumping donuts(although I do appreciate the lack of Eclairs). My problem is that they are lesbians and by definition want absolutely nothing to do with me or my dangling participle. If I want to check out a bunch of chicks who are totally disinterested in me I will go look through my High School yearbook.

The one thing I do like about lesbian porn is the math.
2 Naked ladies >1 Naked Lady

I think I would enjoy porn that involves one naked lady making me some chicken parmigiana and telling me how funny I am.

So in conclusion, I'm retarded.

Wednesday, December 7

You Might Wanna Skip this One

I gotta bolt quickly so this one will be a post of low quality and in very poor taste.

Over the summer my friend Amanda introduced me to a man known as Albert Fish. Luckily for my buttocks and genitalia, he died a long time ago. He was one of the most gruesome serial killers ever known. He had numerous victims that were children that he not only killed, but also tortured horribly. After killing them he would cook and eat parts of them including their buttocks and, as he put it, "monkey and pee wees."

Of course when I heard about this the first thing I thought to do was draw horrible looking stick figure cartoons about Albert Fish eating asses. LIKE THESE:

He is saying "Fry" not cry in that second one, not that it's any funnier....
I actually did more as scary as that is.

I hate myself.

Tuesday, December 6

From Human A to Humanzee

A comment my buddy left yesterday remind me of this.

This distinguished looking gent to the right is Oliver. Back in the 1970s Oliver gained quite a bit of fame. He supposedly was discovered in the Congo. His strange appearance and habit for walking completely upright led many people to believe that he in fact was half chimpanzee and half human, A Humanzee. As if that didn't make him cool enough, he also met the Monkees on a Japanese TV show.

There was never a definitive answer as to what Oliver was. Some think he was a missing link. Others believe he was half bonobo chimp (smaller super horny chimps who can walk upright).
There is also the chance he was the result of an experiment. Personally I like to believe that he was the result of an epic inter-species West Side Story kind of romance complete with singing and jazzy dance numbers. The Humans would be the Jets and the Chimps would be the Sharks.
Officer Krupke would be played by a Triceratops in a police uniform.

I love any genetic freak like a Humanzee, Liger or Wholphin, and I believe we need some new ones. I would suggest we start working on the following:

The Peliphant - half pelican/half elephant - large bird who eats by grabbing fish with it's massive trunk and flies by flapping it's ears. You don't want it flying over your car.
The Beavocerous - half beaver/half rhino - medium sized aquatic mammal that builds amazing and complex dams, and then smashes the fuck out of them with it's big ass head horn.
The Bullverine - half bull/half wolverine - the most ferocious and dangerous hybrid animal alive! Can cause enough damage to devastate an entire country which will lead to the phrase "Like a Bullverine in a China." Watch out for it's metal claws.
The Thundercat - half cat/half man - human sized creature known for beating up evil and it's love of "Ho"s. The female hybrids are commonly attractive enough to make you uncomfortable.
The Tapler - half tapir/half stapler - the world's most useful and boring animal.

So in conclusion, what the world needs now is humanzee, sweet humanzee. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

I blacked out for like 20 minutes, what happened?

Monday, December 5

Shirt Tales!

Is it strange and uncool for a supposedly grown man to go outside in this day and age wearing a Bart Simpson t-shirt?

I found one the other day while a team of Mexicans was shoveling my bedroom. I don't remember how I came to possess this thing. It can't be hanging around from when young tikes actually wore Bart Simpson shirts because it's a men's large.

To make things worse, it isn't even your classic "Don't Have a Cow Man," or a hilarious "Underachiever and Proud of it" t-shirt. It's some extremely unfunny Christmas themed one with Bart wearinga Santa hat and holding his hands on his hips like an extremely prissy gay man. Next to him are the words, "THERES ONLY ONE FAT GUY THAT BRINGS US PRESENTS AND IT AIN'T SANTA" I don't want people to think I support his constant Homer Bashing.

Now I might actually wear that shirt out in public as a joke and to be hit with flying objects, but there is one shirt I have that I wouldn't be caught dead in.

I have a shirt with "Staten Island, NY" emblazoned across the front of it. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't live in fucking Staten Island!!!!(!!!) What kind of a douchebaggy jackass walks around wearing a shirt with the place he lives on it? Even if you're a tourist you wait until you get home to wear the shirt you bought. Everytime I'm in Manhattan and see some stupid anal faced tourist walking around with an "I <3 NY" shirt on I get the urge to throw him in a dumpster and take his wallet. If anyone besides me owned a Staten Island shirt, I'd do the same to them and call them a Staten Island Fairy.

Everytime I see this shirt in the drawer or on the floor (Mad rhyme skills son) I feel like puking up my PB&J. I can't throw it out because the garbage men would find it and knock on my door to make fun of me. Then I'd wind up getting mad and saying, " You guys aren't garbage men, you're garbage JERKS!!" Then they'd beat the bejesus out of me because the proper term is sanitation engineers.


I didn't post this at 2:30! Stupid Blog!

Saturday, December 3

I am freezing my yambag off

And camera phones are effin zbornac

Friday, December 2

Racial Issues

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine yesterday which caused me to think about something important.

I think Black people forget a great advantage they have in this day and age. If they get bitten by a vampire and turn into one themselves, they don't have to worry about their skin getting all pale and corpse looking like white people do. Black Vampires like Blade and Blacula got it all, super vampire powers AND they retain their beautiful obsidian tint.

I'm not sure how it would work with some of the lighter skinned blacks like Lisa Bonet or Nick Nolte. I am planning to do a study next summer during prime vampire season.

However, don't forget Italian people have an advantage if they become Werewolves because they already are used to the expansive body hair. I swear I have an uncle Luigi who could be a werewolf with the way he tears into a plate of baked ziti. Same goes for my Aunt Gina. Actually, forget Aunt Gina. Werewolves don't have hair on their noses.

I'm not sure what I just typed.

Thursday, December 1

What Happens When We Die?

I don't know what anyone else believes, but after I die what happens is my family comes to collect my belongings.

My brother immediately runs to grab any video games and CDs, but leaves disappointed when all he finds is Dance Dance Revolution and Bryan Adams Greatest Hits.

My mother will stand horror stricken at the sight of the sill moving big black vibrator on my coffee table (The Malcom X-Caliber).

My father will somehow fight through the stench of taint and mass of crusty tissues littering the floor to make it to my room where he will find under my bed a Dwarf, hog tied and covered in cranberry chutney. Upon releasing the dwarf my father will excalim,"Oh my god what is my son doing with a midget under his bed!?" This will send the dwarf into a fit of rage which will end with him smothering my father with his gigantic diaper ass screaming "Im not a midget! Im a dwarf!"

I think I love life.