I got nothing today so let's see where this goes
I know everyone has been waiting with baited breath to hear what happened with my flower delivery situation. After 5 phone calls to them, 3 of which involved me losing my cool and cursing at the poor women on the line, and one of which involved me accusing them of being part of an elaborate plot involving the gardening industry, The Atlanta Braves, the frozen head of Vladimir Lenin, and 6 former members of the Mickey Mouse Club to deliberately try to make me look like an asshole in the eyes of my special lady person. When all was said and done she finally received her living flowers only 8 days after her birthday. Now that's some fine quality service for ya.
There is a large Mega Millions drawing tonight. I believe the prize money is up to 250 million dollars. Since I have already convinced myself that I have won, I have been thinking about what I would do with all that money once it is stuffed under my mattress.
Travel - I would be jumpin and jivin all over the planet with that kind of cash. Places I would visit include Italy, Japan, Ireland and Nature Valley because I just can't get enough of their Oat and Honey granola bars. I'd also like to go on an African safari and see how much money it would take to train a bunch of Zebras to hunt lions.
Charity - I would open up a Shelter/Modeling Agency for runaway teen girls. All proceeds will go towards improving living conditions and personal trainers. Also, Once a year I would visit a poverty stricken town and lecture it's residents on the value of hard work and eating healthy as I ride through the streets on a Galapagos Tortoise wearing a heavily jeweled crown and enough rings to make Tom Brady jealous.
Business - Having vast amounts of cash would enable me to finally invest in ideas that have been sitting in my brain for a while. My first move would be to bring the duffle bag back into prominence. Not enough people even say the word "duffle bag" any more which is a shame because it's fun to say and is hilarious as a euphamisn for a woman's private parts. Our slogan would be "Dont Muffle My Duffle".
My next move would be to start a professional Manhunt league. Manhunt, in case you don't know, is the cool name for hide and go seek with teams. All major cities would be represented and the matched would take place in various neighborhoods throughout these places without any kind of consent or permission from residents or government officials. The championship game would take place in an unknown and neutral location so as to even the playing field. To start off, only Hispanic males will be allowed to play. This way the league gets major press coverage for it's bigotry and then again once the color and gender barriers are broken. Our slogan would be "Christ. Where the hell is that guy?"
Other ventures would include a chain of Pizzerias where all the pies were shaped like Cameron Diaz' face and self cooking biscuits.
Purchases - A money bin like Scrooge McDuck had, A Zoo, an aquarium, Ted Danson's wig, a pool to be filled with the kool-aid of my choice, Michigan, 2 packs of Juicy Fruit, the bones of Liberace, the services of someone who can build a moped out of the bones of Liberace so I could call it a HoMoped, Will Ferrel, some nice letterhead, a chinplant, stirrups for my couch, a lemur, Swaziland, Lesotho, a decent cell phone plan, Jessica Biel's bathing suit, dignity, a presidential cabinet appointment, abs, a keyboard that doesn't have dried milk in it, a time machine for Teri Hatcher, the Neverending Story on DVD, the world's largest ice cream scoop, a small town police department, a degree, a list of things that are actually funny, bionic eyes, cyborg arms and a blanket fort large enough for me to live comfortably in.
Well that was weird.
Time’s Person of the Year 2017
3 months ago