I'm glad my deflowering story went over pretty well with you folks. Perhaps I shall share some more embarrassing sexual adventures with you again soon. However I will have to spread them out so as not to run out of them too soon. You see I may not get a chance to have too many others ever again. For I have been informed of a disturbing truth about myself.
I have a light bulb head.
Yes that is correct. While having dinner with my friend last night, she stared across the booth as I downed my milkshake and mozzarella sticks and said, "You got a light bulb head."
It's ok that she said this because I am very secure about the way I look and definitely won't obsess about this for 3 months staring at the mirror for hours on end seeing if I can push the sides of my head in and growing wolverine facial hair to make the bottom of my face look bigger. Nope! Not me! Who cares if I look like my neck has a really great idea all the time!
So now I am full of despair. How will I be able to get any woman to answer when I knock on the door of her vagina with a head that was invented by Thomas Edison.
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The poll I started last week has closed. The winner of this round of the Wonderdome is a Leopard with a Peg leg. He narrowly defeated my zombie grandfather by way of his supreme quickness and a very well aimed head shattering peg thrust. Stevie Wonder with a gun made a decent showing by winging the other combatants along with 17 members of the crowd. The Stapler Ninja failed to do any damage whatsoever in the arena due to an untimely staple jam that left him immobile allowing my zombie grandfather to bite his face off. More battles to come.
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I just received a large pizza at the door and the delivery guy called me sir. I hate being a sir now. I much preferred "kid" and even the demeaning "boy." The only thing worse than being a sir is being a ma'am. I don't know how you ladies deal with it.
come together, right now (literally)
3 years ago
17 comments:
Let me tell you why I love NYC - while I was there last year, two teenaged fellas stopped me and said "excuse me Miss, can you tell us how to get to the Banana Republic store?"
It was so nice not to be called ma'am, I wanted to kiss them both
lightbulb head, huh? if it makes you feel any better, I have a large noggin with a fivehead. with a
I've always thought you were a pretty dim bulb. I guess I was right.
A lightbulb head? Really? How does that go with the jean shorts? Do you look top heavy?
I'm 19 and people call me ma'am around here!
Oh, Ryan, don't worry. My husband's head is like an orange on a toothpick. I bet girls have weird shaped heads, too, but you can't see it because of all their hair.
I detest being called ma'am or lady. I feel so OLD.
crap! do you know how much $ I had riding on old gramps?!!
See Ryan, when you've found your true love, it won't matter how freakishly misshapen your head is. Christie deals with my massive cranium, just as I've grown fond of her pea-sized skull.
A piece of advice, Ryan. I also have a lightbulb head and no amounts of wolverine facial hair made it look less bulbish. In fact, my full beard just gave people more reason to stare at me. So weird.
People only call me "miss" or "ma'am" when we first meet. Once they get to know me, they usually change it to "crazy bitch". It's a little more personal, you know?
my face is shaped like an extremely large piece of pegboard. we should totally get together and make a workshop.
Why so down? You know have a Halloween outfit that only requires you to attach a string to the side of your head.
Lucky sod!
mishy - classic!
Everyone has a misshapen head. You're totally over blowing this. And what a wonderful "friend" you have there.
And when I first started to hear the "sir"'s I was a bit unpleased. But I actually don't mind it now. Especially from those young'n whipper -snappers. Though I prefer "Mister" ... actually, "Mister Tibbs!"
A light bulb head is about 5 million times better than my neighbor Mr.bobble head.
Also, I was Ma'am-ed 5 times yesterday. it used to annoy me since I still get carded in the Liquor Store-- but I'm so used to it now.
I have the opposite prob. I spend time on the phone a lot at work, & ppl often mistake me for a student worker or intern.
Whaddya gotta do to get some RESPECT around here?!?
I've got a weird ass big pointy chin and my boobs aren't big enough to distract people (you've seen the picture I keep on my blog you KNOW it's true) and I still manage to find people that are willing to have sex with me.
So don't loose hope!
By the way I just read your last post and about came undone when I read the part about you being in a "VVVVVAAAAGGGIIIIINNNAAAAA" Good lord you crack me up!
try being called a middle-age woman by mr. jones, the editor of the column 'modern love' of the sunday new york times. when you are barely 30 y.o. i will never buy any of the books he and his wife edit ever again. no, i am not callous.
I damn near went hysterical the first time I was called "ma'am." I was dangerously close to my 40th birthday and feeling the pressure. The poor kid who made the faux pas was so confused by my reaction. He thought it was a sign of respect, but he might as well shoved a knife through my heart.
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