Now before I get started, I'd like to preface this by saying that I do not refer to present day Kenny Rogers, or "Hollywood" as I like to call him. He completely sold out and feminined it up with his bizarre facial surgery. I won't even post a picture of the monstrosity.This is not my Kenny. This just a disfigured and depressing husk of sadness that has been twisted by science. When will we finally wise up and burn these scientists!
Now this is the Kenny Rogers we all have a vision of in our minds, the man's man with both the flowing mane and steely gaze of an African lion stalking a wildebeest. I dare any of you lady person's reading this right now to deny the fact that if this rugged bastard looked at you like this and laid a "Howdy Ma'am" on you that your knees would shake like an electric toothbrush. You wouldn't get butterflies in your stomach, you'd get dragons! Huge ones flapping around in excitement over the presence of this legend. Just one glance you and you'd know that this man will know when to hold you and when to fold you...over a rustic dining room table.
As if being that physically arousing wasn't enough, this Western Beef can simultaneously melt your heart and set your loins ablaze with his sensitive and soulful voice and songs. Just take a gander at this gem known as "Lady"
"Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more"
Oh man I just swooned so hard I may have pulled my hammy.
You also have to realize he has what is probably the coolest and most bad ass nickname ever. THE GAMBLER. I would kill for a nickname that cool. Any nickname I have had isn't anywhere even in the same multiverse as The Gambler. The closest one I had was probably "Hamsteak." If you met this mountain of man and asked what his name was and he looked at you and said, "Me? They call me, The Gambler" You would forsake whatever bastard religion you follow and starting pinching your nipples and saying things so dirty and foul that 17 baby rabbits would explode.
And I know I can't be the only one who stays up late at night sweating profusely and softly humming "Islands in the Stream" into my pillow while thinking about what it must have been like when Kenny and Dolly Parton first made sweet country love. His scratchy, snow white beards rubbing against her neck as her hands race back and forth across his wide farm work muscled back. Oh how she must have moaned with delight knowing that only he, Kenny Rogers, had hands strong enough and skilled enough to handle her heavy, corn-fed bossoms.
Fuck I need a smoke.
Time’s Person of the Year 2017
5 months ago