Wednesday, December 23
Fictional TV Characters - This idea sounds futile at first. Why believe in something that you are 95% sure isn't real? However, there are many benefits to exalting the pantheon of television personalities. They are always there. Any time of day I am feeling down or lost, I can grab my remote and find Dr. Jason Seaver urging me to show him that smile again, and I know that Ross Gellar will always be there for me.They are also excellent as sources of advice and role models. I can't imagine how the dire straits my love life would be in if not for the brilliant tutelage of Sam Malone. And I would still feel weird wearing a short sleeve shirt with a tie if not for Detective Sipowicz. Best of all, when I get tired of one I can always change the channel.
Dragons - Powerful. Awe-inspiring. Majestic. Such words can be used to describe the beasts known as dragons. They horde a vast amount of treasures, can melt your whole neck and body with their breath and have I've seen one kill Matthew McCounaghneaghey. Unfortunately, aside from the potential of the most cool ass stained glass window you could ever imagine, I don't foresee any personal benefit to Dragon worship currently, , because I am 85% sure they don't exist.
Food - I am considering food as per the suggestion of Jay. Food is off to a good start because I know for a fact that it is real (it's true. Check wikipedia), and it gives me good feelings. There are countless types of food though, many of which I don't like, so perhaps it would be pragmatic to think of food as a polytheistic religion, with the Zeus slot obviously being filled by Chicken Parm Heroes. My main problem with worshiping food is that I am constantly lusting after it, and the way I eat is practically a deviant sexual act. Although this isn't much of a problem if I am going with a Greek model. Not bad.
Genitalia - A source of inspiration and motivation. A cause of great pleasure, but also terrible shame and guilt. I see it so infrequently that I some times think it does not exist. Sounds about right to me.
This is tough.
Thursday, December 3
Monday, July 20
I was browsing the internet at work and came upon a book that piqued my interest. That book is Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking, by Michael Ruhlman. Now you might think it is odd for me to be interested in any kind of cooking, since I really only enjoy meat, pasta, candy and any combination of those three things, especially if you melt mozzerella cheese on top of it.
While the idea behind the book is interesting for sure (learning the basic formulas of food and then experiment and expand on them with no need for recipes), what stopped me in my web surfing tracks was this.
A sweet ass Bread Wheel!
Countless times I, and many other philosophers, have wondered what exactly the difference between pancake batter and crepe batter is. What makes muffins sort of cake, but not really? Now the mystery is solved. My mind was blown when I saw that all that seperates a Fritter from a Popover is one extra part of flour. This is real life magic.
After obtaining the book, I did what I do with any instructional material. I skimmed through half of it and then went of half-cocked and attempted to create something.
Cookies were picked as my starting point. For the past three weekends I have made them. I started of baking with the very basic ration in the book which is 1 Sugar, 2 Fat, 3 Flour. This cookie is on the crunchy side and obviously doesn't have much in the way of interesting taste, but hey, it was an actual cookie, and I didn't chip a tooth or give birth to a colony of intelligent parasites in my gut.
With the attempts that followed I experimented with the ingredients and ratio of each. My goal was to figure out how to make a cookie that was chewy, and this weekend I achieved it! Go me.
Now the question is, what kind junk do I want to throw in there. I did the whole chocolate/peanut butter chip thing. It seems odd that I've spent large portions of my week conjuring up different flavor ideas in my head when normally I would looking at strange women and wondering what they'd look like nude and in my house.
I've mainly just been thinking about what are in my cabinets and then combining them together. This has led me to amazing flavors such as maple syrup/cashew and Cap'n Crunch/bourbon. I have also decided at some point I would like to make scotch and sodabread, but that is much farther down the road of my doughy journey.
I would also like some help in switching my wardrobe over to mostly items with an elastic wasitband. What cookies do you like that I should eat? What never before seen cookies from myth and fantasy would you like to see made?
Friday, July 10
Tuesday, April 21
Thursday, April 16
Tuesday, April 14
Thursday, April 9
Wednesday, February 11
Tuesday, February 10
Monday, February 9
I met an overweight homeless man.
I was skipping along the sidewalk on my way to purchase a tasty lunch of soup AND sandwich, when an enormous mass came into my field of vision.
It was a human man.
He sat on the ground with his back against the display window of a discount hat store called "Edgar Allen Chapeau," but all that adorned his head was a tattered crown of sadness, which in most parts of the country is called a Chicago Cubs hat. The gentleman also had on a filth encrusted, yet forever stylish, t-shirt and sweatpants combo that was stretched beyond any conceivable tension limits. On this day I learned that fabric can feel pain.
Pedestrian's gazes turned from the grown man who had moments ago been skipping down the street to this spherical vagrant who was changing the flow of foot traffic. Never in my life have I seen such a large domicile-impaired individual. I wanted to inspect him visually, so I could make a solid guesstimate on his weight, but as I made my way to the opposite side, I became winded and gave up.
The man seemed to be completely unconscious. He just sat there motionless, like a massive bean bag that hadcome into some tough times. Just as I was about to leave after a good 15 minutes of observing, his once restful eyes exploded open.
Startled, I and the others jumped back. Our startlization levels intensified even further when the homeless fellow sprang to his feet with the agility of a Lynx pouncing on a snow hare. We took another step back and were almost sent backpedaling into traffic with what happened next.
He looked around wide-eyed and confused as if he had no idea where he was. Then his mouth opened and words sprang forth. Words mortal men are not used to hearing.
"NO! THE ROOTS ARE GONE! IT'S ALL COMING DOWN! MAKE FOR THE RIVER"'
The words blasted out of him with such force and conviction, that when he turned turned the corner and bolted towards the Hudson, no less than four people were following. I have never seen any of them again in my travels.
With my composure regained, I returned to thoughts of my sandwich, and skipped on.