Wednesday, January 14

Invention : The Hamlin Scale

If there is one thing I enjoy, it's getting so sick of something that I vomit . Then afterwards I pick through the half chewed bits and create something new and magical.

There are only a few ways we humons have to quantify our like, or dislike, of things. There are those who use stars, and other may use thumbs.  Early man used a series of grunts ranging from "Ugh" to "Unf." Once numbers were invented, we came up with the most common system of rating we have, the assigning of numbers between 1 and 10. For example, "This was a nice phone call. I give it a 7," and "You didn't confuse my thighs with my vagina this time, so you eked out a 4."

It is time to abandon this old stand by and make the evolutionary leap to something more flexible and modern.

Enter The Hamlin Scale.

With the current old fogey way of doing things, one would say, "On a scale of  1 to 10, how good does this frock look on me?" 1  being completely atrocious and 10 being frocking amazing. 

Now, with my new system we will say "How was the roast pork on a scale of 1 - Harry Hamlin?" 1 of course being complete fail pork, and Harry Hamlin being the most delectable thing I have ever tasted.

Simple enough so far, yes?  Now, the real beauty of the Hamlin Scale, aside from Harry Hamlin,  is the flexibility and personalization it allows. For in between the two extremes of the scale are a number of possible values determined only by how extensive your knowledge of random celebrities is.  Confused? Me too. So here a few examples.

If someone were to ask me to rate chicken parmigiana on a scale of 1 - Harry Hamlin, I would say that it is a Tom Berenger because chicken parm is fucking delicious, but nothing is a Harry Hamlin.  And if you inquired how my first season of little league went, I would tell you that it was an unfortunate C.Thomas Howell, for I got zero hits and peed my pants 3 times.

I will now share with you a condensed Hamlin Scale in descending order. Condensed because I don't think anyone would read the 5 pages of names I came up with while thinking about this project. I have included links in the likely event of, "Who the fuck?"

Donatello (the Ninja Turtle)
1

I'd be surprised if someone knew all of these people without looking them up, but if you happened to have such amazing knowledge go seek some fucking mental help.

Whittling down my list to these 30 levels of rating goodness was difficult. Consider it a base for you to add in, or remove, any names you feel can quantify your level of like. You can take them all out and put in fictional characters or types of sandwiches for all I care, but there must remain a 1 and there must remain a Harry Hamlin, two universal truths that can not be denied. Spread the word. Tell your friends. The time of the Hamlin Scale has begun. 

If you are kind enough to leave a comment, feel free to debate any placing on the scale and suggest a name that should be included, and what position it should appear. 

I need a hobby.

11 comments:

Crystal said...

i am going to rank this post a paula poundstone because, while i can tell it is funny, i am too stupid to understand it. also because the hamlin being delectible thing makes me think you might be a lesbian.

Ryan said...

Judging from your completely accurate rating, I'd say you understood it all too well.

Jay Ferris said...

So is the scale based on attractiveness, or awesomeness? Because if it's awesomeness, there's no way that Patrick Duffy is cooler than Bob Eubanks.

Chris Wilson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris Wilson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris Wilson said...

For Fucks sake! This time I'll get it right!

If something rates a Bel Biv Devoe the question will inevitably arise among true fans who engage in sub-rankings of these fine crooners, which of the three is the item in question most like? Bel is jaunty while Biv is morose. Devoe is obsequious, a vestige of his fatherless family.

Fractional interests, my man. These things need to be ironed out.

Diane said...

I applaud your accurate assignment of Eric Lindros.

Crystal said...

Chris just made me pee a little.

...at least, i think that was urine.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

what the hell?!
Patrick Duffy?
how on earth did he make it so high on the list?
also, that list is incomplete without Carson Kressley.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who harry hamlin is

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