Wednesday, February 11

Isn't it Romancive?

At the suggestion of Diane, who I will from now on assume has the last name Chambers, I will lay out my plan for Valentines Day. She, for some reason, assumed I will need assistance with it. I doubt this very much.

Before the day of Valentines even begins, some preparation must be done. This will mainly take the form of a full Friday night worth of personal private region grooming and upkeep. For what better way to show you care than to present your genitalia to her all streamlined and slick. No I will not consider any kind of pubic topiary as it has caused me to be dumped multiple times.

I have rented a hotel room for the evening in bustling Manhattan where love flourishes amongst the towers of concrete and might. This is always a solid move for Valentine's Day because a lady feels very special when you mount her in a foreign setting.  For any of you who would still like to do this for your lady, I suggest you expand your search to hotels with shared bathrooms, for their deals can not be beat, and your girlfriend will appreciate your thoughtfulness during our economic crisis.

Now of course, before we get to the hotel room, we must engage in other activities to help set the mood for romance. I figured it never hurts to go with the old classics, so I will be taking my lady friend to dinner and a show. I will tell her to meet me at the restaurant at 6 PM sharp on Saturday night. The restaurant is a personal favorite of mine, and I will dine on my preferred dish there, a huge chicken parmigiana hero. I think they have salads there, so she can have that. I would do this normally, but that night I will definitely make a point to be a gentleman and carry her tray to our table for her.

After eating at this place we will probably be stuffed to the gills, so going to a theater and being able to sit down will be muy beneficial. There  are a large number of shows out right now, so it is difficult to pick which one is the best to take my girlfriend to on this most special of evenings. I am honestly still undecided, but I will admit to leaning towards Paul Blart: Mall Cop because Taken may be a bit too depressing for Valentine's Day.

After the movie we will hopefully be in good spirits and make our way back to our hotel room. I plan on surprising her with a bouquet of flowers in the room, and possibly an array of colorful cupcakes which I will of course offer to feed her as she lays in bed. This is when I will bring out her Valentine's Day gift.

My girlfriend has been talking about wanting  a puppy for almost an entire friggin year now. I'm pretty sure if she gets one, she will love it more than me, but I am OK with that because it just takes some of the pressure off me. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, neither of us have enough free time these days that you would need to devote to a new dog.  So in lieu of a puppy I decided to purchase my girlfriend a puppy shirt instead. It is a lovely shade of pink and there is an adorable drawing of a golden retriever puppy ironed on to the front of it. There is also a sparkly flower.

Our evening will end with vigorous lovemaking which, thanks to my man-kegels I've recently started during my commute, will end in time to lay in bed, watch SNL and discuss how shitty it is these days.

I hope she doesn't read this and ruin the surprise.

Tuesday, February 10

An Inspirational Message

For all the ladies braving Valentines Day without a man...

Courtesy of time-displaced vandals near my office.

Monday, February 9

And this other time...

I met an overweight homeless man.

I was skipping along the sidewalk on my way to purchase a tasty lunch of soup AND sandwich, when  an enormous mass came into my field of vision.

It was a human man. 

He sat on the ground with his back against the display window of a discount hat store called "Edgar Allen Chapeau," but all that adorned his head was a tattered crown of sadness, which in most parts of the country is called a Chicago Cubs hat. The gentleman also had on a filth encrusted, yet forever stylish, t-shirt and sweatpants combo that was stretched beyond any conceivable tension  limits. On this day I learned that fabric can feel pain.

Pedestrian's gazes turned from the grown man who had moments ago been skipping down the street to this spherical vagrant who was changing the flow of foot traffic. Never in my life have I seen such a large domicile-impaired individual. I wanted to inspect him visually, so I could make a solid guesstimate on his weight, but as I made my way to the opposite side, I became winded and gave up. 

The man seemed to be completely unconscious. He just sat there motionless, like a massive bean bag that hadcome into some tough times. Just as I was about to leave after a good 15 minutes of observing, his once restful eyes exploded open.

Startled, I and the others jumped back.  Our startlization levels intensified even further when the homeless fellow  sprang to his feet with the agility of  a Lynx pouncing on a snow hare. We took another step back and were almost sent backpedaling into traffic with what happened next.

He looked around wide-eyed and confused as if he had no idea where he was. Then his mouth opened and words sprang forth. Words mortal men are not used to hearing.


The words blasted out of him with such force and conviction, that when he turned turned the corner and bolted towards the Hudson, no less than four people were following. I have never seen any of them again in my travels.

With my composure regained, I returned to thoughts of my sandwich, and skipped on.

Wednesday, February 4

Poetry in Motion?

My Tits Shake When I Brush My Teeth
Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle
Definitely not Jam
Hidden shame of Dental Care
Bad breath or Self- Hate
Diet and Push Ups?

T-shirts and Avoidance

Monday, February 2

Name that Buffoon

I am in the market for a new nickname.  I don't currently have one, unless you consider "Oh my God you are dumb" a nickname. 

So I am asking for some help. What nickname should I adopt? 

It can not be any of the following, as they have already been used:

Ry, Ry Ry, Rye Bread, Rye Toast, Breadman, Toastman, Toastmaster General, Beanie Boy, Mr. D, Ryceratops, Rylenol, Ryranosaurus Rex, Ryacin, Ryboflavin, Ryclops, Rypet Pupkin, Rychard Simmons, Rydiculous, The Rude Dog, The Schnauzer Whisperer, The Anchor, The Defensive Window, The White Nick Nolte, The Pride of San Juan, Lady Fingers, Listerine, Doofy, Chief Junior, Light Bulb Head, Beverly Landau, Thurston Howell  IV and Baby Nips.

It must be cool or extremely lame. I thank you ahead of time for your help.