Isn't it Romancive?

At the suggestion of Diane, who I will from now on assume has the last name Chambers, I will lay out my plan for Valentines Day. She, for some reason, assumed I will need assistance with it. I doubt this very much.

Before the day of Valentines even begins, some preparation must be done. This will mainly take the form of a full Friday night worth of personal private region grooming and upkeep. For what better way to show you care than to present your genitalia to her all streamlined and slick. No I will not consider any kind of pubic topiary as it has caused me to be dumped multiple times.

I have rented a hotel room for the evening in bustling Manhattan where love flourishes amongst the towers of concrete and might. This is always a solid move for Valentine's Day because a lady feels very special when you mount her in a foreign setting.  For any of you who would still like to do this for your lady, I suggest you expand your search to hotels with shared bathrooms, for their deals can not be beat, and your girlfriend will appreciate your thoughtfulness during our economic crisis.

Now of course, before we get to the hotel room, we must engage in other activities to help set the mood for romance. I figured it never hurts to go with the old classics, so I will be taking my lady friend to dinner and a show. I will tell her to meet me at the restaurant at 6 PM sharp on Saturday night. The restaurant is a personal favorite of mine, and I will dine on my preferred dish there, a huge chicken parmigiana hero. I think they have salads there, so she can have that. I would do this normally, but that night I will definitely make a point to be a gentleman and carry her tray to our table for her.

After eating at this place we will probably be stuffed to the gills, so going to a theater and being able to sit down will be muy beneficial. There  are a large number of shows out right now, so it is difficult to pick which one is the best to take my girlfriend to on this most special of evenings. I am honestly still undecided, but I will admit to leaning towards Paul Blart: Mall Cop because Taken may be a bit too depressing for Valentine's Day.

After the movie we will hopefully be in good spirits and make our way back to our hotel room. I plan on surprising her with a bouquet of flowers in the room, and possibly an array of colorful cupcakes which I will of course offer to feed her as she lays in bed. This is when I will bring out her Valentine's Day gift.

My girlfriend has been talking about wanting  a puppy for almost an entire friggin year now. I'm pretty sure if she gets one, she will love it more than me, but I am OK with that because it just takes some of the pressure off me. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, neither of us have enough free time these days that you would need to devote to a new dog.  So in lieu of a puppy I decided to purchase my girlfriend a puppy shirt instead. It is a lovely shade of pink and there is an adorable drawing of a golden retriever puppy ironed on to the front of it. There is also a sparkly flower.

Our evening will end with vigorous lovemaking which, thanks to my man-kegels I've recently started during my commute, will end in time to lay in bed, watch SNL and discuss how shitty it is these days.

I hope she doesn't read this and ruin the surprise.