Wednesday, November 30

Do These Fruity Pebbles Taste Funny To You?

I just woke up and I immediately started to think about how I could single-handedly stop a terrorist take over of a school or office building, a la Die Hard, as long as there were dramatic and inspiring songs playing the entire time. The first two songs I thought of to best facilitate my action packed act of heroism were The Final Countdown by Europe and Runaway by Real McCoy.

Sometimes I wish I had a huge belly button. You know, one of those cavernous fat guy Sarlacc Pit belly buttons that Boba Fett could fall into. I want it to be downright vast. If I had one of these spacious navels I would fill it with cereal and milk then chow down as I watched some Dragonball Z. As of now I could fit a Corn Pop in there at most, maybe a couple flakes of Special K if they were vertical. This isn't enough to satisfy both my hunger and incredible laziness. Count Chocula would never taste as sweet as it would from my very own built in cereal bowl.

Tuesday, November 29

10 Things You Didn't Know About Regis Philbin

1. Regis Philbin is often found walking around asking people if he could borrow some scotch tape. When the person inquires why, Regis flexes and says, "Cause I'm fuckin ripped!"
2. Regis Philbin beat a mannequin in a staring contest.
3. Regis Philbin spends his evenings in Yahoo chat rooms under the screen name "emilio_esteves69_4u"
4. Back in the 1980's Regis Philbin had simultaneous naked relations with both the GoGos and the Bangles. Afterwards, he made them fight eachother in his expansive basement using battle axes whilst Bananarama peeled and fed him grapes. Banarama then wrote "Cruel Summer." Coincidence? Yeah right.
5. Regis Philbin invented the mesh t-shirt.
6. Regis Philbin's penis is so long, it has an elbow.
7. Regis Philbin is an Icon in Ireland because he was the first leprechaun to make it big in show business.
8. Regis Philbin had to stop hosting "Who Wants to be a Millionare" because it was interfering with his job coaching an all women's amputee swimteam, The Yonkers Anchors.
9. Every Sunday Regis Philbin and David letterman hold hands and walk through Central Park to chat about their week and observe the foliage.
10. Regis Philbin thinks you are a loser.

Monday, November 28

You've been duped by a Smooth Criminal!

My brother told me something the other day that nearly blew my mind. He gets all of his info from the internet so it's obviously very true. I had actually wondered how great this would be before, but I don't think I've heard anyone else say it.

He told me that Michael Jackson fakes that High Pitched voice. His real voice is deep, and he started putting on this Mickey Mouse on helium thing when he got into the whole Peter Pan thing. I completely believe this story for a couple reasons.

I had a similar experience. When I was younger I got really into Snow White. I found myself aping the mannerisms of the dwarves form the classic tale. I wore a very tall and very phallic hat. I did run into some problems. My parent's refused to let me have surgery to shorten myself, and after they caught me in the basement with a saw and my leg in a vice grip, they had me put under constant watch. Also if you walk around in New York saying "Hi Ho Hi Ho" you will get the bejesus beat out of you by women every color of the rainbow. (the Indigo ones hurt the mostest) But yeah, I can see where Michael is coming from with his Peter Pan kick.

The other reason I choose to believe this story is because it's awesome. I love the mental images it gives me of him losing his coola nd his real voice coming out. I picture Michael at his Amusement Park with some kids. Something like this might happen.

MJ(Peter Pan): C'mon chilrens. Lets go on the ferris wheel.
Kid: No Michael I don't wanna.
MJ(Peter Pan): But the ferris wheel is fun. You''ll like it. Then after we can have a watergun fight with my sister Janet, Macaulay Culkin and a kinkajou, but don't worry he isn't a real Jew.
Kid: No! I wanna snowcone!
MJ(James Earl Jones): Nigga I said get yo got dayum ass on the ferris wheel!

Ohh that deserves a voice re-enactment.

I want to add that while MJ is an insane child molesting mental patient, I would still like to go to a concert of his. I see myself int he front row, wearing my red leather thriller jacket and screaming at the top of my lungs with the 14 year old Romanians all around me. Michael would be rocking out the whole time with Dirty Diana and Smooth Criminal. During Man in The Mirror he would reach down and touch my hand and I would burst into a massive weep. And I would never wash my hand again.

The End
Sincerely yours,

Friday, November 25

G'day Mate

I figured I'd do a google search for "sedated gorilla" and see what came up. Besides this adorable picture, this is what all the top entries were about...

Australian zookeepers refuse to masturbate sedated gorilla

Being a sedated gorilla myself, I've had similar problems in the past. What the gorilla needs to do is:

1. Take the zookeeper out to a nice meal, maybe get her a Moons over My Hammy.
2. During the evening he needs to act like he is paying attention when the zookeeper is rambling on about work and how all the other zookeepers there are bitches and/or sluts who look fat in their zookeeper shorts.
3. Then, most importantly, when the action is about to start the pent up ape would be wise to push the zookeepers hand away, telling them that first you want them to know how special they are to him. This is a sure fire way for my simian pal to get an Olivia Newton John caliber hand jive.

I believe if it does happen, you will see it on The Crocodile Hunter Gone Wild DVD. It would fit nicely between the scene where Steve Irwin fingerbangs a Koala and the one where he Pouchfucks a wallaby. That was vile. I apologize, but not really because pouchfucks is making me laugh.

This makes me think. Is it really masturbating when someone else is doing it for you? I think they call it that because it sounds more professional than "Australian zookeepers refuse to give sedated gorilla a Hand Job."

Anyway, I'm glad I read this while I still have time to get a refund on my flight to Sydney. It's totally Zbornac. Maybe the people of Chile will be more willing to lend a hand.... GET IT?! HAND?!


R.I.P. Nick and Jessica

Wednesday, November 23

Tuesday, November 22

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me

1. When I was a small child and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell them I wanted to be a Gorilla. Seeing how much body hair I have now I wish I had said I wanted to be a really rich gorilla with a big penis.
2. The greatest day of my life was the day I beat Pitfall II for the Atari. This was in 1997.
3. I don't believe Delaware exists.
4. Half of my face is very attractive. The other half is extremely ugly.
5. I consider a relationship successful if I have made the woman wet herself from laughing.
6. My penis curves upwards....towards Jesus.
7. When I was five I accidentally drank urine because I thought it was Apple Juice.
8. The first time I had sexy intercourse I finished in a minute and failed to "remove myself from the premises." When asked why all I could come up with was, "It got stuck"
9. I have several nicknames including Breadman, Toastman, Cryin' Ryan and Smelly Jim
10. My last girlfriend broke up with me because I would sing the theme from Duck Tales while we fornicated.

If you'd like to learn more about these or other fascinating facts about yours truly, consult your local library. Or just ask me I guess.

Monday, November 21

The Future is SO bright, I gotta wear Blu Blockers

I'm not sure how many of you know this about me, but I am a licensed psychic/astrolomoger.
I used to be one of the friends in the psychic friend's network, but I was fired for seeing how many of my shoes I could fit in Dionne Warwicks cavernous nostrils. I also started my own psychic hotline with my partner and former friend Miss Cleo. Then she screwed me over. hey Miss Cleo, if you're out there, Call me Now for your free beatin!

Anyway! I've decided to give my services away for free to you lovely person reading this. Use this info wisely!

Aries - Financial gain is imminent this week if you are adopting an adorable foreign baby like Angelina Jolie did. Name the child something badass like Gravel or Turnbuckle, and produce a series of Toddler only Western films for kids. Remember to keep in mind that child exploitation is fine as long as they are from some loser country.

Taurus - Crisis hits this week for you Taurus. At the annual family Thanksgiving dinner a family member will stand up and make a shocking announcement about their life. Your familial bonds will be torn asunder as fights break out left and right knocking cranberry sauce all over the place. Feelings will be hurt. tears will be shed. Grudges will be formed. All because Grandma wants a set of boob implants.

Gemini - Unexpected obstacles will be everywhere this week. You may be walking down the street when you find yourself blocked off by a large green pipe going up into the air. Look around for some floating blocks to stand on to get over it. Be wary though, a vicious man eating plant could be lurking in this pipe. Also don't forget to pick up any coins you find because if you get 100 of them you can come back from the dead.

Cancer - Irony hits you square in the face this week Cancers, when you find out you actually have Cancer. The good news is that the tumor is located in your wallet/purse/man bag and you just have to empty it out. Make sure you do this in the garbage so the dog doesn't eat it. (ugh gross)

Leo - Rawr! You are a Tiger this week. Errr.. lion, whatever. This week is the week for romance so take advantage of it by locking crotches with your significant other in a variety of places such as a dairy farm, on top of a pool cover in the back of a pick-up truck, or your parent's bed.

Virgo - Creativity is the name of the game this week. Spend as much time as you can on the dance floor this week. Letting your mind and your body go free to some jammin Euro beats will pay off as you invent a new dance craze. Possible names include : The Virg, The Spasm, The Staggering Man, and Herman Schwartz.

Libra - Show me that smile again (show me that smile). Don't waste another minute on your crying. We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near). The Best is ready to begin! As long as we keep on givin' (saxophone) we can take anything that comes our way. Baby rain or shine, all the time! We got eachother, sharin' the laughter and love. Dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnn.

Scorpio - Don't plan on doing much this week Scorp my pal. Jupiter is moving past the moon and into the house of Uranus so expect to be pretty sore for a while.

Sagittarius - A week of confusion awaits you again because you still don't know what the fuck Sagittarius is. In this state it is best to avoid all midgets or any really short person. They could be leprechauns trying to trick you.

Capricorn - Depression hits for you this week my pooCapricornnn when you realize your Zodiac sign is a god damn Sea Goat. How awful is that? Some people get a proud lion, or a strong Bull, Even a crafty crab would be nice. But a friggin Sea Goat? Hethat'sts great it can swim and eat tin cans. Stay away from knives and rope for the next 7 days.

Aquarius - Time for new beginnings! Your age is over, and it wasn't as great as everyone said it would be. Throw out all your technicolor pants and head on down to Old Navy for some of that performance fleece. I hear with every purchase of 50 dollars or more you get to pork Morgan Fairchild. If you spend more than $100 I think you get to poke the dead body of that chick with the huge glasses with a stick.

Pisces - Lady Luck is smiling down on you this week. You will discover you can fit into all your high school clothes again. Your wardrobe is now doubled. As you walk around wearing Cross Color shirts, Z. Cavariccis and LA Gear sneakers people will hand you money because they think you are homeless and feel sorry for you.

Saturday, November 19

Friday, November 18

Dr. Mom

I used to fake being sick a lot when I was a youngster to get out of school. It was very difficult though because my mother always had a way to cure my illness.

Me - "Mom I feel sick"
Mom - "What's the matter?"
Me - "My stomach hurts"
Mom - " Go sit on the toilet for a while you'll feel better"

Now, this almost makes sense. The problem was no matter what I said was wrong with me, her answer was always to tell me to sit on the damn toilet.

Me - "Ma my throat hurts real bad"
Mom - "Go sit on the toilet until you feel better"

Now in this situation maybe I can assume she knew I was faking and was trying to say that I have been talking shit.... But it's a stretch. Still, she used ti even more!


I asked my dentist and he said having my pale ass on a cold toilet seat will in no way help me with a dislodged tooth!

Me - "Ma can I talk to you?"
Mom - "Ugh I guess. Hurry up before Real Sex 317 comes on. What's wrong now Bitch?"
Me - "You know the girl I have been seeing?"
Mom - "By girl do you mean Gay Man?"
Me - " Ma! For the last time I am not gay! I just like the Golden Girls!!"
Mom - "The clock is tickin"
Me - "Well this girl, who has a real vagina she was born with, and I broke up, and now she is going out with my friend Beefma."
Mom - "Aww. That's rough. Why don't you go grab some cookies and go sit on the toilet for a while. You'll feel much better"

This may shock and stun you people, but I went to therapy for several years, and not once did my therapist tell me to spend the session on the toilet. Well except for that one time, but I didn't know the dangers of eating Wow Potato Chips back then.

Ninety-nine percent of the time sitting ont he toilet didn't help me at all. Unfortunately my mom programmed me all too well. Now I run to the bathroom for any problem.

A bee stings me and I run to the toilet
I get tomato sauce stains on a white shirt and I hightail it to the washroom.
I lose my keys and I book it to the john for some porcelain to ass time.
If no one comments on this blog, guess where I will be.

I dread the day I am in a public place, and all the stalls are full so I am forced to sit on a urinal while I wait for a splinter to fall out.

Thursday, November 17

The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Done?

If not THE dumbest, this is top 3 at least.

Call me a masochist for reliving this tale for the millionth time, but I do what I can to entertain the 3 of you reading this even though it will end with me weeping and trying to cut my defective brain out with a butter knife.

During my last two years in High School there was a girl who I was totally infatuated with named Christine. She had such a pretty face, an amazing smile (which is my weakness), she smelled awesome all the time, and she had a bodacious track team buttocks (which is my other weakness).

By some benevolent act of God we became pretty good friends during this time, and I spent many an afternoon with my pants around my ankles in my room going buck wild on my pink tic-tac because she hugged me or smiled at me or sneezed and wiped her nose on my Bugle Boy shirt. She had a couple boyfriends, both who I knew, but there was a time where she was single and I often considered not being terrified to ask her out.

One time she actually called me! The thought of that blows my mind to this day, but she turned my brain into lime gelatin every time she talked to me so by the end of the phone call she thought I was blowing her off. This was some serious foreshadowing as to how large of an ass I would turn myself into.

It was the end of Senior year. Everyone had just gotten their Yearbooks and were passing them around for other people to sign. It was second period and Christine and I had exchanged books for eachother to write something in. She wrote something sweet in mine and apparently I had really said something nice in hers too because after she read it she was all over me! My memory is a bit hazy but I thought I wrote, "I really liked walking behind you in the hallway all these years. Please touch my nipples." I could be wrong though.

After class she grabbed my hand. Not even to remove it from her thigh or anything, she just wanted to hold it as we walked to the next class! I was overjoyed and scared to friggin death. One teacher saw us and High- Fived me. It was very surreal, but that could also be because Mini Me, Pepa, Balki, Webster and Ron Jeremy were attending my school.

It was right before lunch on this day that the moment that will live in infamy happened. She was still feeling all nice and awesome and tingly all over from what I had written and she came over to me and said, "Hey Ryan, you want to cut the rest of the day with me and the two of us can hang out together?"

PHWOAR?!!? Did she just ask me that?! Holy Knapsack full of Anthrax she did ask me that!!!

That's what I would have liked to my brain to be thinking at the time. Unfortunately she had caused my brain to melt and run out my ear onto the floor. Without the use of my brain, I was not able to think. Because of this I blurted out,

"Ummm Nahhhhh. We're playing tennis in Gym today and I really want to beat Steve."


brb stabbing myself in the face!

Even though I feel like Im going to vomit, I will continue.
We didn't really talk much again after I said this, the dumbest thing I have ever said. About 10 minutes after I said it I realized what I had done and I banged my head into my locker and could barely eat my Jamaican beef Patty at lunch. I still haven't gotten over it and it was nearly 10 years ago!

I missed out on my only chance to disappoint her with my sexual awkwardness.

To add insult to injury, Steve beat my stupid ass all over the asphalt tennis court.

But hey! Everything worked out for the best. I heard she is married and has a couple of kids, and I have this Blog......


Wednesday, November 16

What's Old is New

There are two phrases I have been working on trying to bring into the mainstream for a while now as part of my plan to leave my mark on the world. The other part includes me running naked down the street and tackling Dan Marino as he exits a restaurant, but we can talk about that another time.

The fist one I'd like to bring back isn't usually said by people over the age of 8.


It's such a joyful and energetic couple of words. It will bring a smile to anyone's face! It seems so natural to say it when you were a kid. For example, "Hey guys you gotta see this magazine I found in my parent's closet behind my mom's vibrator. It's a magazine full of Naked Ladies!!" or, " I went to get the magazine out of my parent's closet and there was a Naked Lady hiding there!" It's perfect, but at some age it really doesn't work well anymore.

What kind of reaction do you think someone would get if they said something like, "Hey dudes you wanna go to the strip club later and check out some Naked Ladies?" They will look at you like you have a black man's penis growing from your forehead and then go tell everyone else that Ryan guy is a friggin weirdo! .... errrr

Another time it doesn't really work is when you are with an actual woman and she takes her clothes off. Telling her, "You are the best looking Naked Lady I have ever seen," will most likely result in her putting her clothes back on and running out the door to go tell all her friends that Ryan guy is a friggin weirdo! .... crud

However I will remain diligent in my effort to resurrect Naked Ladies...... not like that!

The other phrase that needs some life shoved back into its collapsed lungs is


You all know how to use it.

You and some chump are having an argument about who Alanis Morissette's anthem to scorned women everywhere, "You Oughta Know," is about. You claim it's about Dave Coulier, but your jerkbag friend over there swears that he heard it was about fellow canuck Alan Thicke ( The Canadian Martin Sheen).

Finally after days of extensive research you prove to this bastard face that you are correct and she did go down on Uncle Joey in a theater. Now you could be witty and clever and tell him to "Cut it Out," but you cant because he has been such an anal mouth. So you rear back and unleash, " HA! Dave Coulier!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!" Aside from just flat out destroying him with this line, you also have given him the disturbing image of having a grill full of Coulier.

Take these two gifts and spread them through out the lands. If you really want to make an impression use them together! I know next time a miracle happens and I trick some woman into having sex with me, as soon as we are done Im going to jump up and yell, "HA HA!! I HAD SEX WITH YOU! IN YOUR FACE NAKED LADY!!!!" and then run out the door giggling until I realize I have forgotten my underpants again.

Tuesday, November 15

10 Things You Didn't Know About Ted Danson

1. The United States government ordered Ted Danson to dye his hair grey and shave it so it looks like he is balding because too many women were going into sex-fueled frenzies at the sight of him.
2. Ted Danson's chest hair feels like satin.
3. One time one the set of Cheers Woody harrelson tried to be funny and said, "Why the long face?" to Ted Danson. Ted immediately delivered a devastating palm strike to Woody's soloplexus (or was it bowflexus?) that has caused him excessive and constant pain since. This is why Woody Harrelson smokes so much weed.
4. I have a shirt with this picture of Ted Danson on it. Underneath this picture it says "You make me Feel Like Danson." I have pictures to prove this!
5. Ted Danson's wife, actress Mary Steenburgen star of Back to the Future 3, had a titanium hip put in so she could handle sexy intercourse with her husband. Even with this improvement, Ted Danson still leaves dents.
6. Ted Danson cruises Yahoo chat rooms under the screen name ted_danson47 and asks young women, "Have you ever been Teabagged by an Emmy winner?" (I'm serious! PM him!)
7. Ted Danson was the inspiration for the song "Whatta Man" after having a menage a ocho with En Vogue, Salt, Pepa and Spinderella.
8. Ted Danson does not like Ketchup, but he loves Catsup.
9. Ted Danson is the only person on the planet who looks good in a pair of BluBlockers
10. The people of Easter Island worship Ted Danson as a god. This is why they have carved so many stone statues of his head across their land.

Monday, November 14

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts....wait how does that go again?

This may not come as much of a shock to anyone who reads this, but I don't think very much of myself. Because of this, it is always surprising to me if I happen to gain the fancy of a lovely lady.
(where the hell did I get that from?)

A few days ago, my new e-friend Becky, from Becky's Hot Bliggity Blog which has quickly become one of my most favoritest sites for laughs and pictures of celebrity nose hair, left me a comment that made me think.

She said, "I'd be all over your loins right now if.... "

I get a lot of statements like this on the internet. I usually chalk it up to some evil wench torturing me, but what I'm going to do is attempt to finish her statement!

The Ladies would be all over my loinage right now if:

- They weren't in a relationship (Boring!)
- I didn't smell like Beef Stew.
- The hair on my knuckles wasn't 7 inches long.
- Said loins weren't similar in size and shape to a cashew.
- I were less Tom Arnold and more Tom Selleck
- I didn't drop my pants down to my ankles when I take a leak like a 4 year old does.
- I didn't look like Milhouse.
- My idea of a romantic evening wasn't building a blanket fort, eating macaroni and cheese and talking like Mr. T
- I would take down my Nelson posters already.
- I didn't paint my toenails all different colors then walk around offering people Skittles and when they say yes, take of my shoes and kick them in the facial.
- I could turn back time. ( I asked Cher to help but she was fucking clueless)
- I didn't start giggling like an 8 year old whenever someone says the word "panties"
- I didn't flirt with women by throwing fake punches at their head and torso. (I totally stole thisfrom a friend)
- I serenaded women with normal songs instead of music from Video Games
- They could call me Betty, and Betty when I called them I could call them Al.
- On a date, I wouldn't constantly ask her if she thinks she could beat me in an arm wrestling match.
- I didn't dress like Macho Man Randy Savage.
- I didn't fart and wink uncontrollably any time a girl smiles at me.
- I stopped going to the barber and asking for an "MC Hammer"
- My wardrobe consisted of more than denim vests and Zubaz pants.
- My hips didn't involuntarily start thrusting whenever a woman walks in front of me
- I didn't cry whenever my penis is touched.

I could go on and on....and on.

Friday, November 11

Happy Birthdays!

Two Birthday celebrations took place today.

The first was for my oldest and one of my best friends Johnny. I've known Johnny all of my life. In honor of his day of birthing I will share a story about Johnny.

You'd never know it from talking to him now, but when John was younger he was pretty mental. One day for some reason, probably at the urging of his brother and his friends, Johnny became an exhibitionist.

He had to be around 8 years old at the time. He took off all of his clothes, grabbed two slices of bread and ran out his door. Johnny headed down his block made a right, and crossed the street to our neighbors house. They had three daughters, one our age, one older and another younger. Johnny knocked on the door and waited.

The door opened and the girls mother was standing there probably in shock as she looked down and saw Johnn there naked, smiling at her and holding two pieces of bread around his genitalia. As if this wasn't enough he then said , "hey! How bout a bologna sandwich!" Then he quickly turned around and ran home.

You can see why he and I are such good friends.

In fact, if he threw a party and invited everyone he knew. He would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a Friend." Dun dun dun dunn dun dunnnnnn.

I don't know how accurate it is but there is a Golden Girls anniversary special on right now. 20 years of the hilarious quartet of elderly and lusty ladies! I loved and still love this show so damn much. When I get married I want to Honeymoon in St. Olaf.

To celebrate this momentous occasion I am creating a new slang word. If something is really bad, instead of using my usual, "Man dat shit is wack yo," I am going to now say, "That is totally Zbornac!!"

Use it. Live it. Love it.

Thursday, November 10

I.. had, the time of my liiife.

Just kidding. No mention of the massive-headed one today.

I got an email from this morning asking me to sign up so I could locate all my old friends from high school. This reminded me of something truly horrifying.

In June it will be 10 years since I graduated High School. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

It would be cool to go to the reunion and be ignored by everyone who ignored me when I was younger. I really wouldn't look forward to any of the standard questions though,

Them: "So what have you been doing with your life?"

Me: "I was in school for 8 years. Yeah....Med School...that's it. I'm a gynocologicalist."( this could wind up backfiring on me when I blurt out something about "dropping feces").

Them : "Do you have a wife/girlfriend/regularly frequented hooker?"

Me: "Well, I talk to a lot of gals on the internet who swear that if they didn't live all the way in Bangwang, Thailand, they would be all over my loins. Also this one time on the subway I had an erection and I "accidentally" bumped into this older Puerto Rican woman and she really didn't seem to mind."

Them: "What are you doing in the Ladies Room!?!"

Me: "Hey listen! I didn't get to see any of you naked in school, I have to check you out now before you hit the wall! Also the guys make fun of me cause I sit down to pee"

Them: "And you are positive you went to our school?"

Me: * starts weeping and runs out the door with arms flailing*

Yeah... I am so there

Wednesday, November 9

Swayze = Gayze

Christ I just noticed I mentioned Patrick Swayze two times in a row. Shit!! Now it's three!

If I post about him two more times in the dark while I'm looking in a mirror he might appear and terrorize me by dancing with his wife shirtless.

An Open Invitation

To all the lovely ladies out there.

I am willing to offer you the romancive evening of your dreams. All you have to do is email me at

After your email is received I will then come over your house. I will cook you a dinner of chicken cutlets and canned corn. After, I will make you put on a pair of boy shorts with sexual innuendo printed across the buttocks portion.

Once you have paraded around and done enough squat thrusts to my liking, I will perform some Erotic Karaoke. The song I will perform will be "She's Like The Wind," originally sung by Patrick Swayze.

The we can make out or some junk.

Act now and you will receive as a bonus such heart melting lines as, "You can yank on my butt ponytail any time," and "If you keep your eyes closed you wont notice how small it is."

I will be refreshing my email for 18 hours waiting for your messages!

Tuesday, November 8

10 Things You Didn't Know About Wilford Brimley

1. Wilford Brimley was born via cesarean section due to his birth weight being approximately 17 and a half pounds.
2. Wilford Brimley invented the Fax machine.
3. Wilford Brimley harvests all the Oats for Quaker using a Swiss Army Knife and a pack llama.
4. Before becoming the spokesperson for Quaker Oatmeal, Wilford Brimley was the center of an ad campaign for Tampax where he told women to, "Suck it up! A little blood ain't gonna hurt ya."
5. Wilford Brimley spent 6 years in Siberia competing in illegal bear wrestling leagues. At his best he was ranked number 3 by the SBWF.
6. Wilford Brimley carves amazingly detailed jack-o-lanterns for Halloween using only his index finger.
7. Wilford Brimley was originally cast in Patrick Swayze's role in Dirty Dancing, but had to back out due depression over the death of his beloved gerbil, Princess Starshine.
8. Wilford Brimley did all the voices for the movie Shrek.
9. Wilford Brimley can do a full split.
10. Wilford Brimley is down with O.P.P.

Monday, November 7

These dreams go on when I close my eyes!

I had a very strange dream last night. I wont go into too much detail right now but the following things were involved:

- Patrick Stewart
- Freddie Prinze Jr who mentioned his wife Sarah Michelle Gellar did crack
- This girl Christine who I was totally in love with in High School
- a drunken car accident
- a really cool push broom that was heated to make it easy to get rid of ice and snow that I will now patent and make a mint off of.
- A dog that could make Balloon animals
- Either a Rick Springfield cover of 867-5309 (Jenny) or a Tommy Tutone cover of Jesse's Girl. Maybe both, I can't remember.

Try and figure out how all these fit together....

Saturday, November 5

Mischa Barton is a Posing Retard

I have been known to peruse a celebrity themed website or two at times. In my journeys I have noticed something that now disturbs me greatly about the OC's Mischa barton besides her acting (Mischa Barton is to acting what Merryl Streep is to Competitive Body Building).

Everytime I see this chick she is doing the same damn akward looking hand on the hip pose.

I don't know if she accidentally glued her hand there or if she is trying to cover up her colostomy bag hole, but if she doesn't stop soon she is going to slice her hand open on that jagged hip of hers.

She also really needs to start eating more. There's no way she is going to be able to fight He-man in this condition.

Friday, November 4

Where in the World is My Penis?



- In my fist
- Forcibly rubbed against pillows
- In a woman (hard to believe)
- In a couch
- Tucked under my waistband
- Covered in saran wrap
- Encased in Tin Foil
- In an empty Twinkie wrapper
- Alarmingly close to another man's
- Around the world and I, I, I, I cant find my baby
- In between the toilet seat and toilet rim
- On the Front lines
- In the back room
- In a bottle of Gatorade
- Against a cold sink
- A never was
- Between a lovely set of butt cheeks
- Next to a midgets nose.
- Against my dog's head.
- Broadcast live on the internet
- Touched by an Angel

My penis is well travelled

Thursday, November 3

Darling it's better down where it's wetter


I'm talking about underwater. I love being underwater. It is one of of my most favorite places to be besides the beach and Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I love being underwater for several reasons.

1. Super Strength - Much like Aquaman, the water gives me great power. On land I am but a mere mortal, but once I submerge myself I receive the strength of the Mighty Elephant Seal! I can lift objects and fat women I wouldn't even dream of lifting on terra firma.

2. Scenery - You can see some of the most wonderful and amazing of God's creations underwater. Many times I have nearly drowned because I didn't want to resurface and tear my eyes away. I'm talking about asses. When you stick your head underwater you enter a Sea of Ass. The Great Ass Reef! There are buttocks in every direction of all shapes and sizes. I feel like the Jacques Cousteau of Buttcheeks when I am underwater.

3. Protection - When I am underwater I feel safe from the elements of the surface world. If I am in a pool and it starts to rain, I will quickly dive underwater. I know this doesn't make sense to hide from rain underwater, but this doesn't stop me from staring up at the sky in defiance and thinking "HA HA Jesus! Your rain can't get me under here!"

To sum up, you can see I love being underwater because ingesting chlorine gives me dellusions.

Wednesday, November 2

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do...

To get me to answer my phone in public now that the ringtone on it is Africa by Toto

Medically Speaking...

I was at the Doctor the other day, and he was questioning me about my bathroom situation. I don't know if anyone else is like this, but when I go to the doctor I like to try to sound somewhat medical and not say things like, "Yeah Doc I've been pissin just fine, but I don't think I am taking a dump regularly enough."Instead I use more formal terminology. I don't know why I feel the need to do this. Maybe I want to sound smart in front of them because we both went to school for 8 years and they have a Medical Degree while all I have to show for my time at university are deep psychological wounds, a creepy midget story and a 5 page paper on the Price is Right.

So I told him I was urinating fine, but for whatever reason I couldn't remember what to call taking a shit. I considered using "poop," but I figured I am a few decades old for that now.

Not wanting to sit there forever in a stupor as I tried to figure this out, I did my best and blurted out, "I've been dropping feces pretty regularly."

This was followed by a puzzled look, an awkward silence and then the recollection of the term bowel movement. I wanted to correct myself and just scream "BOWEL MOVEMENT!!!", but the last time I did that Mike Pizza struck out, and I got kicked out of Shea Stadium. So I decided against to shut up.

Seriously though, Dropping feces? I hate myself.