What's Old is New

There are two phrases I have been working on trying to bring into the mainstream for a while now as part of my plan to leave my mark on the world. The other part includes me running naked down the street and tackling Dan Marino as he exits a restaurant, but we can talk about that another time.

The fist one I'd like to bring back isn't usually said by people over the age of 8.

NAKED LADIES

It's such a joyful and energetic couple of words. It will bring a smile to anyone's face! It seems so natural to say it when you were a kid. For example, "Hey guys you gotta see this magazine I found in my parent's closet behind my mom's vibrator. It's a magazine full of Naked Ladies!!" or, " I went to get the magazine out of my parent's closet and there was a Naked Lady hiding there!" It's perfect, but at some age it really doesn't work well anymore.

What kind of reaction do you think someone would get if they said something like, "Hey dudes you wanna go to the strip club later and check out some Naked Ladies?" They will look at you like you have a black man's penis growing from your forehead and then go tell everyone else that Ryan guy is a friggin weirdo! .... errrr

Another time it doesn't really work is when you are with an actual woman and she takes her clothes off. Telling her, "You are the best looking Naked Lady I have ever seen," will most likely result in her putting her clothes back on and running out the door to go tell all her friends that Ryan guy is a friggin weirdo! .... crud

However I will remain diligent in my effort to resurrect Naked Ladies...... not like that!

The other phrase that needs some life shoved back into its collapsed lungs is

IN YOUR FACE

You all know how to use it.

You and some chump are having an argument about who Alanis Morissette's anthem to scorned women everywhere, "You Oughta Know," is about. You claim it's about Dave Coulier, but your jerkbag friend over there swears that he heard it was about fellow canuck Alan Thicke ( The Canadian Martin Sheen).

Finally after days of extensive research you prove to this bastard face that you are correct and she did go down on Uncle Joey in a theater. Now you could be witty and clever and tell him to "Cut it Out," but you cant because he has been such an anal mouth. So you rear back and unleash, " HA! Dave Coulier!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!" Aside from just flat out destroying him with this line, you also have given him the disturbing image of having a grill full of Coulier.

Take these two gifts and spread them through out the lands. If you really want to make an impression use them together! I know next time a miracle happens and I trick some woman into having sex with me, as soon as we are done Im going to jump up and yell, "HA HA!! I HAD SEX WITH YOU! IN YOUR FACE NAKED LADY!!!!" and then run out the door giggling until I realize I have forgotten my underpants again.