The Future is SO bright, I gotta wear Blu Blockers

I'm not sure how many of you know this about me, but I am a licensed psychic/astrolomoger.
I used to be one of the friends in the psychic friend's network, but I was fired for seeing how many of my shoes I could fit in Dionne Warwicks cavernous nostrils. I also started my own psychic hotline with my partner and former friend Miss Cleo. Then she screwed me over. hey Miss Cleo, if you're out there, Call me Now for your free beatin!

Anyway! I've decided to give my services away for free to you lovely person reading this. Use this info wisely!

Aries - Financial gain is imminent this week if you are adopting an adorable foreign baby like Angelina Jolie did. Name the child something badass like Gravel or Turnbuckle, and produce a series of Toddler only Western films for kids. Remember to keep in mind that child exploitation is fine as long as they are from some loser country.

Taurus - Crisis hits this week for you Taurus. At the annual family Thanksgiving dinner a family member will stand up and make a shocking announcement about their life. Your familial bonds will be torn asunder as fights break out left and right knocking cranberry sauce all over the place. Feelings will be hurt. tears will be shed. Grudges will be formed. All because Grandma wants a set of boob implants.

Gemini - Unexpected obstacles will be everywhere this week. You may be walking down the street when you find yourself blocked off by a large green pipe going up into the air. Look around for some floating blocks to stand on to get over it. Be wary though, a vicious man eating plant could be lurking in this pipe. Also don't forget to pick up any coins you find because if you get 100 of them you can come back from the dead.

Cancer - Irony hits you square in the face this week Cancers, when you find out you actually have Cancer. The good news is that the tumor is located in your wallet/purse/man bag and you just have to empty it out. Make sure you do this in the garbage so the dog doesn't eat it. (ugh gross)

Leo - Rawr! You are a Tiger this week. Errr.. lion, whatever. This week is the week for romance so take advantage of it by locking crotches with your significant other in a variety of places such as a dairy farm, on top of a pool cover in the back of a pick-up truck, or your parent's bed.

Virgo - Creativity is the name of the game this week. Spend as much time as you can on the dance floor this week. Letting your mind and your body go free to some jammin Euro beats will pay off as you invent a new dance craze. Possible names include : The Virg, The Spasm, The Staggering Man, and Herman Schwartz.

Libra - Show me that smile again (show me that smile). Don't waste another minute on your crying. We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near). The Best is ready to begin! As long as we keep on givin' (saxophone) we can take anything that comes our way. Baby rain or shine, all the time! We got eachother, sharin' the laughter and love. Dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnn.

Scorpio - Don't plan on doing much this week Scorp my pal. Jupiter is moving past the moon and into the house of Uranus so expect to be pretty sore for a while.

Sagittarius - A week of confusion awaits you again because you still don't know what the fuck Sagittarius is. In this state it is best to avoid all midgets or any really short person. They could be leprechauns trying to trick you.

Capricorn - Depression hits for you this week my pooCapricornnn when you realize your Zodiac sign is a god damn Sea Goat. How awful is that? Some people get a proud lion, or a strong Bull, Even a crafty crab would be nice. But a friggin Sea Goat? Hethat'sts great it can swim and eat tin cans. Stay away from knives and rope for the next 7 days.

Aquarius - Time for new beginnings! Your age is over, and it wasn't as great as everyone said it would be. Throw out all your technicolor pants and head on down to Old Navy for some of that performance fleece. I hear with every purchase of 50 dollars or more you get to pork Morgan Fairchild. If you spend more than $100 I think you get to poke the dead body of that chick with the huge glasses with a stick.

Pisces - Lady Luck is smiling down on you this week. You will discover you can fit into all your high school clothes again. Your wardrobe is now doubled. As you walk around wearing Cross Color shirts, Z. Cavariccis and LA Gear sneakers people will hand you money because they think you are homeless and feel sorry for you.