Monday, September 29

I hate you because of your face

Hate is not a word I throw around very often when it comes to people. Hate is an extreme feeling that should be reserved for those who have committed heinous acts against you or those close to you. If I hate someone, merely thinking of them will fill me with anger and venom to the point where I feel the need to take a shit. A glowing. Red. Shit.

Since I am what some might call "a complete sap," I find it difficult to harbour such vile feelings for people I have actually come in contact with. This leaves a vast pool of individuals who I will most likely never meet. They will never get a chance to tell me how three times a week they go to a school in an impoverished neighborhood and read to kindergartners with learning disabilities.My loathing will never waiver because they adopted a dog who lost a leg saving people in a flood. Never will I hear them describe how difficult it was to overcome the crippling fear of capybaras to become one of the top zookeepers in all of South America. They can not grab my heartstrings!

Now, if I had to pick a person I hate the most, it would be Julia Roberts. The reasons for this are numerous, and I will not go into them now. For today we will discuss people who fill me with hate just because of their face.

You may say, "Hey man. That's shallow." Maybe it is, but I don't always hate them because they are ugly. Many are not. It is simply a reflex reaction I have whenever I see these people. Their faces infuriate me. I will do my best to explain why for those I share with you today.

Hal Holbrook - Maybe it's the eyebrows. Maybe it's because I get the feeling he has worn a bolo tie more than once. Maybe it's because he looks like he should be sitting in a balcony with a friend making fun of Fozzy Bear. Whatever it is, I can not stand looking at him for more than 5 seconds without getting up and throwing phantom kicks. I will admit that I am somewhat jealous that he gets to bone one of the Designing Women.

The Red Headed Guy on ER - I haven't watched ER in nearly a decade. I don't know who this guy is. I've only seen him in commercials while I am watching The Office. I know nothing about him. But I fucking hate him. He just looks like he would be a prick. Every time his freckled mug pops up in a promo I am overcome with the need to grab him by his fucking lab coat and toss him into a large bookcase filled with an inordinate amount of bulky reference books. Writing this is becoming increasingly difficult with his picture there, as I have become so irate that I am typing with my fists.

Sophie Monk - You may be confused now and thinking, "Hey what the hell? She is pretty." Wrong. She is not pretty. To me she looks like an alien race's attempt to create a hot chick. They used all kinds of advanced technology and research data, but something still was not quite right, ultimately leading to the failure of their plans for world domination. The fact that I actually know who this person is also contributes to my hate. How can someone have a career based on nothing but looks, when they look like Miss Piggy on Jenny Craig.

I have Muppets on the brain today. Anyway, I left of the one person whose face infuriates me the most, but my webcam is malfunctioning

Whose face do you hate?

Friday, September 26

Top Beau Bridges Movies

After seeing him in an episode of My Name is Earl last night, I felt Beau Bridges needed some attention. I'm not saying he deserves it, but he was pretty funny on TV Thursday night, as I never expected to hear the words "I'll take a box of your largest condoms" spew out of his mouth.

I would classify Beau as the 4th most heralded of the famous Bridges clan, narrowly surrendering 3rd place to youngest brother and  adult film star, Stone Bridges.

There were some difficulties in making this list. After writing for a good three hours I discovered I had to remove 75 percent of the films once I realized that they starred a more recent and beefier Jeff Bridges, and not in fact beau.

So here we go.

The Wizard - This was honestly the first movie I thought of when I was trying to remember beau Bridges flicks. It told the story of Fred Savage and his little brother who had some kind of bland mental problem that made it so he didn't talk, but was awesome at Nintendo. I don't remember his name, so I am calling him Ben. Beau Bridges played their dad. I'm pretty sure their mom was dead. Anyway Fred and Ben wound up travelling across the country by themselves with some chick,  in order to get Ben to some giant Nintendo competition.  The bad guy was this blond kid with a mullet who for some reason I remember wearing a leather vest. I hate this fucking kid. At one point he pulls out a Power Glove and starts playing Rad Racer with it. It looked amazing. It was a cyborg like thing you stuck over your hand and forearm, and just by acting like you were driving, you could drive in a game or throw punches and beat up  King Hippo.

Wrong!!! I spent 80 god damn dollars on this power glove. It turns out that in order to drive a car in a game, you had to more or less flap your arms around like a flamingo. And if you wanted to ace Mike Tyson's punch out, you had to perform movements akin to sipping tea. 

So Fred and Ben make it to the Nintendo competition where it is shockingly revealed that the final battle will take place on the never before seen Super Mario Brothers 3. That was pretty cool.

Fabulous Baker Boys - I honestly don't remember anything about this movie other than Michelle Pfieffer looking hot. Also, in what I imagine was not the first time this happened, Jeff Bridges was the one who banged her.

The Wild Pair - This little gem from the 80s did not garner as much attention as it should have. Beau both directed the movie and starred in it as an all business FBI agent who has to team up with a cop, played  the legendary and multi-talented Bubba Smith. I don't remember the plot really, but I what I do recall is a lot of jokes about how big Bubba Smith is, Bubba Smith beat up a lot of people because he is too big for normal humans to battle, people being scared of Bubba Smith because he is so big, and Creed from the Office was in it. It was basically Lethal Weapon if Mel Gibson wasn't crazy, and Danny Glover was a giant.

Sidekicks - Probably the most popular of all Beau Bridges movies, Sidekicks was the story of Jonathan Brandis being a skinny wimp who got beat up a lot at school.  He winds up meeting a wise old Asian man who teaches him the deadly ways of Karate. After much hard work and dedication, the young man overcomes all odds and defeats the boy bullying him, much to the chagrin of the bully's evil teacher.

Now before you go and say, "Hey man, that sounds exactly like Karate Kid," I will shut you down with the following information. 

In Sidekicks the main character, Barry, has the handicap of asthma. In Karate Kid the main character, Daniel, has the handicap of being from New Jersey. 
In Karate Kid, Daniel's only parent is his mother who embarrasses him and wears outfits with large shoulders. In Sidekicks, Barry's only parent is his father, played by Beau Bridges, who scores with a super hot Asian woman with an ass you could use to draw a perfect circle.
In Karate Kid Daniel gets repeatedly assaulted and embarrassed by bullies, he is run off the road down a giant hill and his bike is nearly destroyed. In Sidekicks Barry gets kicked once, and the bully calls him "Barry Warry." 
In Karate Kid, Daniel gains revenge, respect and acceptance by battling his way through numerous opponents in a full contact Karate Tournament. In Sidekicks, Barry gains revenge, respect and acceptance by breaking more bricks than his bully can.

Fuck it! I can't even joke about this any more. For Christ's sake the evil sensei was played by Joe Fucking Piscopo. At the end of the movie ChuckNorris  shows up and kicks the seven shades of shit out of Piscopo. Lame. I don't care what the internet says, Chuck Norris is the garbages.  I hope he convinces Mike Huckabee to grow a beard and move out into the woods with him, never to be heard from again. Mike Huckabee with a beard is really hard to picture.

At this point I am sure everyone has long stopped reading. If you had continued, you may have noticed the same thing I have. In my recollection of all of these "Beau Bridges movies," I barely remembered anything about Beau Bridges.

What a waste of time. I'm disgusted with myself. He is being  moved down the list of top Bridges family member from 4th to 5th, slipping past cousin Todd.

Wednesday, September 24

Poll Season, Am I a Dick?

In a vote  full of misinformation, lies, flat out meanness and other McCain Campaign Strategies, it seems that it has been decided that I do not have a messenger bag, but a much more feminine man bag. In fact,  many claimed that it is actually a damn purse. I am not quite sure how to handle this aside from inventing a man bag cover with an extremely verile image on it. Something like Ricardo Montalban working on a transmission. I don't know. The voting will remain open in a desperate attempt to retain some testosterone, so feel free to weigh in.

Since voting seems to be the in thing right now, we are going to have ourselves another one.

Over the weekend I attended the wedding of my cousin. It was a lavish affair where assloads of fun was had.  Many amazing and hilarious things happened including one of my cousins riding up and down in the hotel elevator at 3 AM cleaning the floor with a vacuum he found in a closet. But, these are tales for another time because today we vote on what level of a dick I am.

As you may have realized, I am clueless about everything. My brother isn't much better. Since I am aware of our mental deficiencies, I often consult my parents just to be sure I am not being a complete moron. So before the wedding I had asked, with my brother present, how much money would be an appropriate gift. Their answer was around what I had figured.

Now shortly before leaving for the festivities, I began to think that, due to a recent influx of cash, I should give more because this was a very big event for my cousin and the entire family. Additional money was placed into the card. I told no one of this.

It only just occured to me yesterday that this generous increase in my gift may have caused a problem. In my haze of sentimentality and benevolence I failed to realize that I may have just pulled an incredible dick move on my brother (I hope that sentence doesn't show up in a keyowrd search). 

Here are some painful facts to consider before you vote. My brother and I make approximately the same amount of money. I don't really have a closer relationship with my cousin than he does, but I have had more recent contact with him. What I gave as a gift was 50% more than my brother did. A full $37.50.

That's about it. I'm not feeling very confident. Remember I was doing it for good reasons! I'm just very dumb.

Vote On

Friday, September 19

Messenger Bag or Man Bag?

This is the question I am putting forth to you.

During the summer, the girlfriend and I went on a minor trip. During this trip some shopping took place. During this shopping experience she found this bag she thought was nice looking, and showed it to me. I agreed that the bag looked nice and proceeded to fully model it in a mirror, complete with pouty lips and disinterested looks. I grabbed various other items around and put them in the bag to see how it would look on me when filled with belongings. A security guard approached me, and after 10 minutes, decided I wasn't trying to shoplift using a bag I did not own.

I had been considering purchasing a messenger bag for a while now because it is handy during my long commute where I often enjoy reading book and, and the girlfriend pointed out, it is very useful for concealing my frequent subway boners. For those reasons I handed over my money and legally took possession of the bag.

Now at the time, I had zero doubt in my mind that this was anything other than a messenger bag. The kind of bag that all the manliest men carry their masculine things in, like after shave lotion and a deer carcass. Recently however, this belief has been wavering due to my paranoia, teasing and insistence of others that this is not a messenger bag, but in fact a "man bag."

And now the facts.
Pro Messenger Bag
1. It has a classic messenger bag flap.
2. It has a long carrying strap which can only be comfortably placed over the shoulder on the opposite side the main carrying zone is on in a classic messenger bag style.
3. Most of it is made out of what I can only assume is some form of canvas that is rough and manly enough to prevent me from using the bag whilst in the naked.

Pro Man Bag
1. My girlfriend liked it.
2. It was purchased in Montreal.
3. Sometimes with the flap down, it looks like the bag is taller than it is wide. This is a warning sign of a man bag.

And finally the bag itself.

What say you?

Tuesday, September 16


My cousin is getting married on Saturday. I am looking forward to it because large family gatherings are often great fun on that side of the family. It's a bit of a party family. You mix my Irish side with some alcoholic beverages, throw in some fun time party music and enough room for my aunts and uncles to do dances that were last seen on American Bandstand, and we'll be like the Flinstones. Having a gay ol' time.

Last Friday there was sort of a post Vegas Bachelor Party man dinner at a very nice steakhouse in Manhattan. Being that I, unfortunately, was not able to attend the festivities out west, this was my first opportunity to meet some of the bride's family. They are an extremely friendly and welcoming bunch of fellas. One of them seemed to conveniently start talking about blow jobs anytime the waitress showed up, but that is considered charming in some cultures (e.g. New Jersey).

Prior to dinner, our group was sitting in the bar zone having beverages and conversing. One of the bride's uncles, who shall be known now as Uncle Professor, had the ears of myself and my brother. Uncle Professor is a man in his mid to late 60s, short in stature but big in talking and experience. According to him, he has been all over the world and seen all kinds of things. Uncle Professor was in mid-lecture regarding a neighborhood on Long Island and how it fell from being a cultural center, to kind of a dump when he hit us with a puzzling, but promising question.

"You don't mind if I am semi-vulgar, do you?"

No of course not Uncle Professor! Please do go on!

"Are you familiar with Judaism?"

This question confuses me after his previous one and makes me worry some, but I tell him that I am mildly familiar with the tenets of Judaism. The following is as verbatim as I can remember.

"Now as you may know, the Hacsdic Jews are not as bad as the Orthodox in regards to the amount and strictness of rules they must follow. The Orthodox Jews are only allowed to have sex with their wives for the purpose of procreation, unlike us catholics who, once married, are allowed to engage in sex with our spouse whenever we feel like it."

Where the hell is this going Uncle Professor, and why do I feel like I need a flak jacket for when we get there?

"Now, back in the day, if you went to any whorehouse, or cathouse as they used to say then, if you were to go to a cathouse, you would see a number of Hasidic men in line waiting to be tended to. All of them would be carrying with them a brown paper bag. The Hasidic men would only want to be with the black prostitutes. The black prostitutes would refuse to sleep with the Hasidic men because they smelled bad due to poor hygiene, so the men had to take showers and wash first."

"Once the Hasidic men washed, the women had no problem and would bring them into their bed. Now, after eating the black pussy, the men would take out of the bag the kosher wine and proceed to drink it"

I apologize because I don't really remember the entire kosher ritual Uncle Professor went on to describe here for my head had fucking exploded when he blurted out "after eating the black pussy" ever so nonchalantly. There was no chalant in his voice at all. Zero chalant!

If that was "semi-vulgar" I would hate to hear what full on obscene is to him. I'm sure it has to involve 3 tubs of chicken grease and a shaved lemur.

I can not wait for the wedding reception.

Sunday, September 14

Conshirto in D minor

On the way home from work one day my brother and I had a humorous experience.

I met him on the Manhattan side of the Staten Island Ferry terminal and purchased some Starburst(original flavor, of course) for the ride back to our island paradise.

Recently, in said terminal, there have been different musical performers each day, helping to make the wait between boats a bit more enjoyable and artsy. On this particular day there was a man playing the violin very well. When he played my mind drifted to a far off land where I flew amongst the clouds in a basket strapped to a giant seagull.

I was brought back to Earth by the announcement that the boat was now loading through door number 2. As we passed by the violinist, my brother noticed that he was wearing a shirt that can best be described as "completely ridiculous." It looked like the kind of shirt a 12 year old would wear to a Junior High dance in 1977. Being the solid brother that he is, he quickly turned to me and said "Ry. Check out that guy's shirt. It is the ugliest thing I've ever seen."

Now my brother has spent many many hours with an mp3 player plugged into his head at high volume, so this comment was not said with as much stealth as he thought. He quickly realized this when the violinist stopped in the middle of a song and yelled toward us


This bizarre retort stunned the two of us long enough to delay our fleeing onto the ferry at high speeds for a good 5 seconds.

Being the dolt I am, I Google image searched Vivaldi when I got home and in no portrait did I ever see him wearing anything resembling a leftover from the wardrobe of Eight is Enough.

And just because I am obsessed, here are some recent keyword searches that led to this location.
"ted make me feel like..."
"movie machines brimley"
"what does it feel like to mug someone"
"why does my pussy smell"

Tuesday, September 9

How Can She Slap?

I saw the following video recently. It's been getting big apparently. It is form some Indian reality/game show where contestants are supposed to be reliving their first year at college by getting insulted. I don't get it either. You really need to see only the first minute.

So this poor bastard yelling "How can She slap? How can she slap me?" over and over got me thinking. The slap from the woman was not supposed to happen. She apparently had gotten angry at their lack of reaction which resulted in the initial slap. That being said, the return bitch slap was his immediate reflex response to being hit. You can tell his brain wasn't in control because of the "Oooohh shit" look on his face after he smacks her.

This got me thinking. Are there any times where I would hit a woman?

Now we're going to push aside the obvious here. Situations where a woman is putting my life or my dick in mortal danger are not included here. My penis is to Me what Israel is to an Israeli. What I have may not be impressive compared to others, but it means a lot to me and if anyone messes with it I will come at them with deadly force.

These are the situations I came up with, where feel I would hit a woman and be ok with it.

1. Lady Cat Burglar - I imagine that if some woman in a skin tight cat suit came climbing through a window of my home, and I just happened to wake up and find her, things would get violent. First I imagine a tussle would ensue. Lamps would break. Books would fall off the shelves as we wrestled each other. Eventually when I over powered her and pinned her down she would try to seduce me. This is a very smart move by her because all Lady Cat Burglars are super hot. I think it somehow lends to their stealth. So I would fall for her trick at first, but as soon as I saw she was holding a candlestick behind her back to whack me in the noggin with, I would give her the ol' 1-2 combination, and make a citizens arrest without feeling very bad about it.

2. Lady Ninja - This is very similar to Lady Cat Burglar except there would be a longer, more karate filled fight. Also lady ninja would be equally hot, but more exotic and probably have some kind of crazy scar on her face from her ninja work. After a long display of skill I would eventually defeat her with a deadly palm strike followed by a spinning wheel kick. I would feel pretty OK about it too.

3.The Buttonhole - Sometimes during the course of...intercourse, a woman may get an idea. She may think it is a good idea, and that her man will be glad she had it. She will think, "I've read on the Internet that guys love this and have incredible orgasms." This is the kind of thinking that may lead to a fist fight. I do not wish to feel like I am being probed. I do not care how many of your friends have told you that guys love it. I have told my girlfriend as much. I think what I said was, "If I feel a finger wandering into a neighborhood where he doesn't belong, I will stand up and slug you in the gut." I would probably feel bad about this afterward, but still justified.

That's all I can think of. What's even more ridiculous about this whole post, is that if I was ever in any situation where a woman started hitting me, I would probably curl up into a defensive ball and try to roll towards a downward slope so I could escape.

I feel like this post may come back to haunt me one day.

Friday, September 5

What the hell kind of place is this?

Before I start, I know what I am about to discuss is very common and about as unoriginal as it gets, but it made me laugh, so who cares.

I recently made it possible to check out the keyword searches that cause some unfortunate people to find this blog. The collected data has made me question a variety of things about my blogging and my personality.

It is very close as to what most commonly brings people here. Here are the most popular searches.

1. "there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do" - this, and many other variations of it, come in first place and I have no issue with this. Toto by Africa is great.
2. "how to mug someone" - this is when I start to worry about people. I will confess to checking out the geographical location of the people who made these searches, so I can avoid any of these aspiring thugs.
3. "scott baio penis" - I think we have all wondered, but still...
4. "big vagina jokes" - I would be lying if I didn't admit that while I am a bit ashamed I pop up when this is searched for, I am also mildly proud to be somewhat of a big vagina joke resource.
5. "ted danson hair" - Pretty self explanatory. There were other Danson related searches such as "ted danson weird face" and the scary "Danson and Steenburgen figurines"

There are some that have not been searched for as much, but are somewhat interesting and far more troubling.

"my deflowering story"
"Sinbad + jokes" - I'm guessing they eventually found out the rest was "= genius"
"blue jean shorts picture man"
"death of tyrell brown"
"Mean Gene Okerlund"
"huggable milfs"
"why does Morgan freeman have freckles"
"my shoulders smell funny"

And finally, my favorite, all searches that fall under the category of "Nipple"
"he makes my nipple hard"
"strange hard thing in my nipples"
"i play with my nipples"
"i can't get my nipples hard"
"my nipples been hard three days why"
"picture of my hard nipples in cold office"
"my wife nipples vacation"

Now I'm sure your immediate response may be set fire to your computer and scream at me to not continue this blog. That was my initial reaction as well. But as I type to you on these melted keys, I must confess that I have decided to not only continue with this nonsense, but completely embrace it. That is why I say to you, "There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do to keep Scott Baio's penis out of Ted Danson's hair."

Sarah Palin

Tuesday, September 2

He Tells It Like It Is

There aren't many of these guys out there, but most of us know one. Sometimes known as "Straight Shooters," these are people who will always "tell it like it is."

If, for some unthinkable reason, you wanted an actual honest opinion, this would be the person you'd go to because you know they won't try to soften the blow if your new haircut makes you look like a poorly groomed pubis. This guy will tell you to your face that you should not be wearing a bikini that small when, from the neck down, you could be confused with Al Sharpton. And this no nonsense kind of person would tell you, even if he shares your political party, that you made a "we're OK without a condom this one time" kind of error in judgement s with your Vice Presidential candidate selection.

I hate these bastards. I try to keep myself in as much of a delusional state as possible in regards to how ridiculous I look, dress, dance, and eat in public. I don't need some jerk ruining the house of cards that is my self-esteem by telling me, "You know if I can see the outline of your bellybutton, the shirt is too small for you." I actually have a friend who is like this, and lord knows I need one. It is useful at times for someone as clueless as myself, but any appreciation for it goes out the window when I am told things like, "Yeah things have changed a lot for us in the past few years. You're definitely balder now." Thanks. Thanks a lot.

The other reason I hate these truth tellers is that I am completely jealous. It seems much easier and kind of fun, but I can never be one. Unless you're already one of these people, you can't be one either. It's impossible to make the switch from normal, polite guy, to no censors between brain and mouth guy. If you've been wise enough to have started being brutally honest with people early on in your life, they will expect it and even thank you for it. But if today I started being completely honest with people they would just think I turned into a huge asshole.

I've considered conducting an experiment where I attempt to become "that guy" but I've decided it's pointless. This is how the results would differ.

Control Group - Len has always told it like it is.
Friends: So what did you think of our band?
Len: You need to practice for a few more years.
Friends: Ha Ha. You're probably right Len. Thanks for telling it like it is as usual.

Experimental Group - Ryan has been telling it like it is for a week
Friends: So what did you think of our band?
Ryan: I don't know if the world is ready for an O-Town tribute band right now.
Friends: You know, you've been acting like a total jerkoff lately

You know as I write this I am realizing that I also could never be that guy because I am scared shitless that someone would throw a truth counter punch back in my direction. I can't handle such a constant threat of having to face reality. The possible comments on this blog alone is enough to scare me away from even considering this again.

So I am stuck. Stuck never hearing, "Relax man. Ryan isn't trying to be mean, he just tells it like it is." Stuck being nice. A nice liar. At least I am good at it.

*Note - Even stright shooters do not tell it like it is when it comes to their girlfriend/wife.