Due to a complete lack of intelligence and good judgement I have agreed to join, along with my peer pressuring cousins, what is known as the Polar Bear Club this Sunday.
As a result, I would like to take this time to announce that the funeral service for my genitalia will take place on Wednesday the 10th at 10AM, and the public viewing will be held anytime you want baby.
This morning I found myself in a difficult situation. The boat portion of my journey to work had only just commenced when a slight chill lead to my hands being placed into my coat pockets. My left hand met with some unknown object that caused a crinkling noise upon collision. I took hold of this item and pulled it out to discover it was....a half-full bag of skittles.
What an unexpected delight! Few things are as sweet as rediscovered candy you somehow forgot about. Even then it is normally a yellow starburst you weren't in the mood for 3 days ago, or 6 nerds that escaped as you tried to open the box, so a find of this magnitude filled me with seven kinds of joy.
I smoothed out the bag and anticipated dumping as them down my gullet until I gagged. I was fully enthused and downright elated at the thought. I was going to suck off Roy G Biv until I taste the rainbow. Gross! Yay Candy!
Ryan's Brain: Hey buddy. Hold on one second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Ryan: Maybe, but I'm not even sure what kind of wine goes with Skittles.
Ryan's Brain: No friend. It's 8:05 in the MORNING.
Ryan: I'm not following you.
Ryan's Brain: You can not eat candy for breakfast! It's not healthy or socially acceptable.
Ryan: That's very close minded of you.
Ryan's Brain: OK. Look at it this way. You are sitting in the middle of a large group of people. If they seem some lunatic chugging skittles at 8 in the morning they will take notice and remember. Do you want to be known as "The Candy Guy" or even worse, "Skittles O'Rourke."
They will be pointing and laughing every day!
Ryan: Fine! I will wait until I get to work and hide in the bathroom.
Ryan's Penis: Whoa!! Guys look at that girl's tits!!
Ryan's Mouth: "Holy shit those are nice!"
Ryan's Brain: LOL Mouth you idiot!
Ryan: I hate you guys
And that's exactly how it happened. I had to pass on my favorite thing, instant gratification, for fear of the social stigma of AM Candyman.
We all have had countless moments in our lives where, due to nerves, not thinking quick enough on our feet or just plain stupidity, we have failed to say the right thing. This realization can come much later on, or before a sentence is finished escaping from your dumbass mouth. Lately (lets say the past 18 years or so) I have been thinking about this quite a bit.This is a list of things I should have said instead.
"No. I think that is an awful idea."
"I have no clue where we are. let's ask someone."
"I enjoy both your personality and looks. What say you and I go on a date?"
"That's definitely a guy."
"I think we should take this FAST."
"I didn't want to be on your stupid team anyway!"
"Sorry. I don't pork and tell."
"I may have four eyes, but I heard you have two dads!"
"I don't care if we can get a whole barrel for 5 dollars, they smell like a nursing home."
"Who the hell are Edward and Jacob?"
"That's not my bike. it's my sister's."
"Yes I do. You just never met her."
"Of course I was joking. Why would I invite you over to watch me play Warcraft?"
"No. That does not turn me on"
"Seriously, if you put your finger in there again I will snap it off"
"I just wanted to tell you before it was too late that we appreciate everything you have done for us, and you were awesome in The Outsiders."
During a polite conversation with a female, the following was said to me:
"You know you could be completely hideous, but you'd still be good looking because you're so funny."
I suppose a healthy reaction to this would be to feel warm inside because someone thinks I am so funny that it could dampen the stomach turning effects of grotesque facial features. I like when people think I am funny. Being told so would normally cause me to feel so good that my loins would fatten pride, but in this case I feel no such swelling.
I will now list other compliments I feel are on the same level as this one.
"You are such a snappy dresser that it weakens your stench a bit."
"I have such a good time talking to you that I don't even want to have sex."
"You remind me of a super intelligent chimpanzee."
"I have to tell you that ever since all of my friends, my entire family and half my facebook list died in that Volcano, you are my favorite person"
"When you consider how little people thought of you in High School, its pretty amazing you've done as much as you have."
If we didn't have free pancakes in the morning I would be out ze door.
In this post I will continue to explore candidates for my second attempt at faith. Please note that I used a post EGAE picture of Goldblum only because I have a general sense of him being from outer space.
Fictional TV Characters - This idea sounds futile at first. Why believe in something that you are 95% sure isn't real? However, there are many benefits to exalting the pantheon of television personalities. They are always there. Any time of day I am feeling down or lost, I can grab my remote and find Dr. Jason Seaver urging me to show him that smile again, and I know that Ross Gellar will always be there for me.They are also excellent as sources of advice and role models. I can't imagine how the dire straits my love life would be in if not for the brilliant tutelage of Sam Malone. And I would still feel weird wearing a short sleeve shirt with a tie if not for Detective Sipowicz. Best of all, when I get tired of one I can always change the channel.
Dragons - Powerful. Awe-inspiring. Majestic. Such words can be used to describe the beasts known as dragons. They horde a vast amount of treasures, can melt your whole neck and body with their breath and have I've seen one kill Matthew McCounaghneaghey. Unfortunately, aside from the potential of the most cool ass stained glass window you could ever imagine, I don't foresee any personal benefit to Dragon worship currently, , because I am 85% sure they don't exist. Food - I am considering food as per the suggestion of Jay. Food is off to a good start because I know for a fact that it is real (it's true. Check wikipedia), and it gives me good feelings. There are countless types of food though, many of which I don't like, so perhaps it would be pragmatic to think of food as a polytheistic religion, with the Zeus slot obviously being filled by Chicken Parm Heroes. My main problem with worshiping food is that I am constantly lusting after it, and the way I eat is practically a deviant sexual act. Although this isn't much of a problem if I am going with a Greek model. Not bad. Genitalia - A source of inspiration and motivation. A cause of great pleasure, but also terrible shame and guilt. I see it so infrequently that I some times think it does not exist. Sounds about right to me.
There are moments in time where fate unexpectedly calls upon a person to step up for the greater good. History may call their name by pure chance or coincidence, but they recognize society needs them to take action. I I am experiencing such a moment now. This is how history begins.
Like many people, I go through periods of time where I do not have much concern for my health or weight. I call these periods "normal." There are occasions, usually when I sniff out a chance someone may see me in the naked, where I decide that it is my waistline that is making my shirt stick out so much on the sides, and not that "it's just the style these days." Menswear companies will never decide that next season all the stylish men will want to look like over ripe pears.
I had such an epiphany several months ago and began to exercise more and eat better. Now, the list of foods I eat is short and has about as much nutritional value as a sack full of rubber bands, so for me, eating better means eating less and trying to find anything halfway decent to substitute for my usual meals of shaped lard and several small piles of sugar. This lead me to the item known as the bar. Some are called energy bars. Some are called meal bars. Everybody knows good ol' granola bars. All bars, and all of them containing fewer calories than my normal junk.
My genius plan? Have one of these in lieu of a normal lunch every day that I am at work, since that was probably my most damaging meal due to the ease at which one can obtain fantastic tasting garbage in Manhattan. Not exactly the most sound dietary practice, but combined with some exercise and a bit of self control, it worked quite well.
You may be wondering what this has to do with me becoming the figurehead for a social revolution. You see, it came to my attention yesterday, after months of eating these bars, that my particular bar of choice, the Luna Bar, is in fact a nutrition bar for women. I made this discovery when I looked on the package and hidden on the front of it under the word "Luna" I saw "The Whole Nutrition bar for Women."
I was appalled at first. I felt violated as a result of such devious packaging design. For I moment I also felt the kind of confusion set in that I usually only experience after I have one of those dreams where I am playing touch football with a shirtless Tom Wopat. But I fought that off. This was not my fault! Nothing about this bar would give me any clue that it was a bar for women, aside from it saying it on the front of the package. And what kind of sexist nonsense is this anyway? Why is it only for women? I enjoy their White Chocolate bar quite a bit, and judging by the feeble protrusion from my groin I am 85% sure I am a man! Why isn't it a nutrtion bar for everyone?
This is when I got to thinking, which people usually tell me is a bad thing, but you can get the hell out of my way now! There are many products out there that are sexist towards men, and I am not going to sit down for it any more. No one bats an eye if a girl uses a regular old razor, but the second I use some purple razor to shave my legs for a photoshoot, people give me all kinds of crap. Maybe I would like some extra padding and support in my shoulder region. And what exactly are you trying to hide Secret? Is it that this PH balance mumbo jumbo is sexist propaganda? I'm done with it all! I may even start using tampons just to prove a point.
So there it is. I'm a regular Susan B. Manthony. Remember this moment, for future generations will.