Friday, March 5

Home Euch

A while ago I mentioned that I took up a new hobby. The hobby of baking! All summer I experimented with the process of making cookies. I met with both disappointment and great success. I am mildly confident when I say now, that I can make you a delicious cookie you will enjoy.
After months of riding solely the cookie train, I decide I would use a transfer and hop onto the cupcake line. The results were simple, yet tasty. Various combinations of Vanilla and chocolate were made. Everyone who sampled them rejoiced in sweetness and racial harmony.
A couple of weeks ago I decided to try something a bit more complex in the realm of cupped cakes. My objective...Red Velvet.
As I was preparing to create these tasty delights, I felt the surge of rebellion in my heart. Why the hell do they have to be RED velvet? Maybe I like green better. Maybe I'm such a fan of the movie Blue Velvet that I want to honor it in the form of single serving hand cakes!

Once I realized I only had red food coloring the revolution ended and the mixing began

I cut my finger on an overly sharp soon and I was putting ingredients.

Topped with cream cheese icing, it almost looks edible.

Don't let my dainty fingers fool you, I tore into this bad boy like a hyena with the plump haunches of a zebra.

Friday, February 26

Delayed Testicle Update

What a weird series of spam I was assaulted by. Weight loss, special programs for boat auctions, and generous thank yous for helping with college assignments? Awesome.

And now on to the Polar Bear Club.

Sunday rolled around and, much to every one's surprise. I still had not chickened out. I made my way to Long Beach out on Long Island where I met up with my cousin who gave me a Polar Bear sweatshirt and said we were leaving immediately for ze beach.

With the lack of time for research and preparation that I had, it could only be expected that a nitwit like myself make a few mistakes my first time out.

Mistake 1: Not wearing my bathing suit under my pants. This led to a completely comfortable moment in my life where I was bottomless in the back of a Hyundai Excel belonging to my cousin's neighbor in the middle of a jam packed parking lot at high noon, struggling to find enough leg room to put my swim trunks on.

Mistake 2: Wearing jeans instead of sweatpants. This increased the difficulty of the above mentioned maneuver a bit, and in case you didn't know, bunched up bathing suit under a pair of jeans does not make for a flattering ass view. Also, jeans and wet legs aren't a whole lot of fun either.

Mistake 3: Swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in fucking February.

Mistake 4: Allowing topless photos of me to be taken. I blame being distracted by crippling toe pain for allowing this to go down. No I will not post them until I learn how to photoshop down my B-Cups.

The beach was packed. Having not be informed in any way about this event, I had no clue it was for the Make a Wish foundation. I didn't get any sponsors. I didn't sign up. I didn't even fill out a waiver (I was told to lie and say i was only there to watch if asked where mine was).

What I did do was hastily disrobe. Marvel at how cold sand can be. Remove my glasses and blindly follow my cousin's bare back down to the ocean. Stumble out into waist deep water. Go into shock. Come out of shock. Turn around . Get splashed by another cousin. "Fuck you Kathleen!". Start running for land. Realize if I don't put my head under I am a pussy. Dive underwater. Fill up with regret. Ditch my relatives to feel my way back to my clothes. Pray that none of my important toes fall off. Drink vodka.

I'm still surprised to say this, but it was a very fun time. I always enjoy some cousinly bonding, and I got a free hoodie out of it. The best part by far though is seeing everyone go into complete shock when I tell them what I did. It almost makes up for the one nipple that froze solid and fell off.

Friday, February 5


Due to a complete lack of intelligence and good judgement I have agreed to join, along with my peer pressuring cousins, what is known as the Polar Bear Club this Sunday.

As a result, I would like to take this time to announce that the funeral service for my genitalia will take place on Wednesday the 10th at 10AM, and the public viewing will be held anytime you want baby.

More details to follow.

Tuesday, January 26

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew?

This morning I found myself in a difficult situation. The boat portion of my journey to work had only just commenced when a slight chill lead to my hands being placed into my coat pockets. My left hand met with some unknown object that caused a crinkling noise upon collision. I took hold of this item and pulled it out to discover it was....a half-full bag of skittles.

What an unexpected delight! Few things are as sweet as rediscovered candy you somehow forgot about. Even then it is normally a yellow starburst you weren't in the mood for 3 days ago, or 6 nerds that escaped as you tried to open the box, so a find of this magnitude filled me with seven kinds of joy.

I smoothed out the bag and anticipated dumping as them down my gullet until I gagged. I was fully enthused and downright elated at the thought. I was going to suck off Roy G Biv until I taste the rainbow. Gross! Yay Candy!

Ryan's Brain: Hey buddy. Hold on one second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Ryan: Maybe, but I'm not even sure what kind of wine goes with Skittles.
Ryan's Brain: No friend. It's 8:05 in the MORNING.
Ryan: I'm not following you.
Ryan's Brain: You can not eat candy for breakfast! It's not healthy or socially acceptable.
Ryan: That's very close minded of you.
Ryan's Brain: OK. Look at it this way. You are sitting in the middle of a large group of people. If they seem some lunatic chugging skittles at 8 in the morning they will take notice and remember. Do you want to be known as "The Candy Guy" or even worse, "Skittles O'Rourke."
They will be pointing and laughing every day!
Ryan: Fine! I will wait until I get to work and hide in the bathroom.
Ryan's Penis: Whoa!! Guys look at that girl's tits!!
Ryan's Mouth: "Holy shit those are nice!"
Ryan's Brain: LOL Mouth you idiot!
Ryan: I hate you guys

And that's exactly how it happened. I had to pass on my favorite thing, instant gratification, for fear of the social stigma of AM Candyman.

Thursday, January 21

Things I wish I Said

We all have had countless moments in our lives where, due to nerves, not thinking quick enough on our feet or just plain stupidity, we have failed to say the right thing. This realization can come much later on, or before a sentence is finished escaping from your dumbass mouth. Lately (lets say the past 18 years or so) I have been thinking about this quite a bit.This is a list of things I should have said instead.

"No. I think that is an awful idea."
"I have no clue where we are. let's ask someone."
"I enjoy both your personality and looks. What say you and I go on a date?"
"That's definitely a guy."
"I think we should take this FAST."
"I didn't want to be on your stupid team anyway!"
"Sorry. I don't pork and tell."
"I may have four eyes, but I heard you have two dads!"
"I don't care if we can get a whole barrel for 5 dollars, they smell like a nursing home."
"Who the hell are Edward and Jacob?"
"That's not my bike. it's my sister's."
"Yes I do. You just never met her."
"Of course I was joking. Why would I invite you over to watch me play Warcraft?"
"No. That does not turn me on"
"Seriously, if you put your finger in there again I will snap it off"
"I just wanted to tell you before it was too late that we appreciate everything you have done for us, and you were awesome in The Outsiders."

I feel somewhat cleansed, and fully depressed.

Tuesday, January 19

Flattery Will Get You Headbutted

During a polite conversation with a female, the following was said to me:

"You know you could be completely hideous, but you'd still be good looking because you're so funny."


I suppose a healthy reaction to this would be to feel warm inside because someone thinks I am so funny that it could dampen the stomach turning effects of grotesque facial features. I like when people think I am funny. Being told so would normally cause me to feel so good that my loins would fatten pride, but in this case I feel no such swelling.

I will now list other compliments I feel are on the same level as this one.

"You are such a snappy dresser that it weakens your stench a bit."
"I have such a good time talking to you that I don't even want to have sex."
"You remind me of a super intelligent chimpanzee."
"I have to tell you that ever since all of my friends, my entire family and half my facebook list died in that Volcano, you are my favorite person"
"When you consider how little people thought of you in High School, its pretty amazing you've done as much as you have."

If we didn't have free pancakes in the morning I would be out ze door.

Friday, January 15


There is only one thing I do not look good in...