A List of People I Can Have Sex With

The following list has been submitted by my girlfriend in response to my previous post:

(Links instead of pictures because they don't get me frustrated to the point of pissing blood)

Betty White

Dita Von Teese

Dolly Parton

Chuck Bass

Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine or Marlon Jackson 

Cate Blanchett 

Jennifer Aniston if you promised not to break her heart

Alanis Morrisette

Kevin Bacon

Lynne Spears

Any of the Real Housewives of New York, except the countess (Find it yourselves.)

And any of the people on my list, except for Padma Lakshmi

After reviewing this submission I have decided to consider it as a "To Do List."

Cate Blanchett better watch her white ass because I am comin' for it.

7 People My Girlfriend Can Have Sex With

Intercourse with any of the following people will not result in our relationship ending, provided she doesn't leave me for them.

1. Any openly gay celebrity

2. Anderson Cooper

3. Rusty Staub

4. Padma Lakshmi

5. Henrik Lundqvist

6. Ron from The Biggest Loser

7. Famous Amos

I may start a list of the people i would least want her to pork. The number one spot would definitely be held by Ed begley Jr. due to his massive cock. I'll update you as it forms.

If you have an question regarding the reasons for including any of these people on my list, please feel free to ask.

If You Would Be So Kind

To name three people you find interesting, something you consider to be valuable and a terrible problem.

Thank you!

Where the hell am I?

I don't have the foggiest.

That is to say, I am physically still in the same exact place I was 2 months ago when I was semi-regularly dropping a steaming pile onto this thing called a blog. Mentally it seems this is not the case. 

There have been plenty of occassions since my previous entry where I have thought of or blurted out something I thought would be worth typing out for 6 other people to enjoy and get a laugh out of, but I fail to make note of them and they quickly fade from my brain as they are replaced by masturbatory fantasies involving members of the WPIX Morning News Team. Oh Tiffany McElroy, you always keep me up between 5 and 6 AM.

So yeah, it has been difficult to find the elusive combination of motivation and material that fuels me to stop playing browser games at my desk for an hour. In the past it may have manifested itself as the tag team of my never-ending lust for attention and a story of how I ruined a chance at having sex by sucking on a girl's nipple for 10 minutes too long. Currently I only seem to have one or the other. I may feel the unrelenting need for approval from strangers overtake me, but I lack a subject. On another day I may encounter a strange subway derelict who seems to get his jollies by farting on the bare legs of other passengers, but at the same time have coma-like brain patterns. I got no chemistry.

My girlfriend has been very encouraging in trying to get me to post more often, and I appreciate that very much. However she refuses to allow me to start dating which I believe would definitely bring me a wealth of self-embarrassment that i would gleefully share with all y'all. Actually she said I could start dating as long as she could also. I refused this offer based on it's obvious high levels of unfairness. If I go on a date I will wind up wearing pants with a hole in the crotch or casually mention how I used to show my dick on the internet all the time back in the day. If my girlfriend were to go on a date she would probably meet someone very mature who doesn't find everlasting discomfort from tucking in a shirt and will unhook her bra quickly and without self-congratulatory cheering.

That's all I got.

Isn't it Romancive?

At the suggestion of Diane, who I will from now on assume has the last name Chambers, I will lay out my plan for Valentines Day. She, for some reason, assumed I will need assistance with it. I doubt this very much.

Before the day of Valentines even begins, some preparation must be done. This will mainly take the form of a full Friday night worth of personal private region grooming and upkeep. For what better way to show you care than to present your genitalia to her all streamlined and slick. No I will not consider any kind of pubic topiary as it has caused me to be dumped multiple times.

I have rented a hotel room for the evening in bustling Manhattan where love flourishes amongst the towers of concrete and might. This is always a solid move for Valentine's Day because a lady feels very special when you mount her in a foreign setting.  For any of you who would still like to do this for your lady, I suggest you expand your search to hotels with shared bathrooms, for their deals can not be beat, and your girlfriend will appreciate your thoughtfulness during our economic crisis.

Now of course, before we get to the hotel room, we must engage in other activities to help set the mood for romance. I figured it never hurts to go with the old classics, so I will be taking my lady friend to dinner and a show. I will tell her to meet me at the restaurant at 6 PM sharp on Saturday night. The restaurant is a personal favorite of mine, and I will dine on my preferred dish there, a huge chicken parmigiana hero. I think they have salads there, so she can have that. I would do this normally, but that night I will definitely make a point to be a gentleman and carry her tray to our table for her.

After eating at this place we will probably be stuffed to the gills, so going to a theater and being able to sit down will be muy beneficial. There  are a large number of shows out right now, so it is difficult to pick which one is the best to take my girlfriend to on this most special of evenings. I am honestly still undecided, but I will admit to leaning towards Paul Blart: Mall Cop because Taken may be a bit too depressing for Valentine's Day.

After the movie we will hopefully be in good spirits and make our way back to our hotel room. I plan on surprising her with a bouquet of flowers in the room, and possibly an array of colorful cupcakes which I will of course offer to feed her as she lays in bed. This is when I will bring out her Valentine's Day gift.

My girlfriend has been talking about wanting  a puppy for almost an entire friggin year now. I'm pretty sure if she gets one, she will love it more than me, but I am OK with that because it just takes some of the pressure off me. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, neither of us have enough free time these days that you would need to devote to a new dog.  So in lieu of a puppy I decided to purchase my girlfriend a puppy shirt instead. It is a lovely shade of pink and there is an adorable drawing of a golden retriever puppy ironed on to the front of it. There is also a sparkly flower.

Our evening will end with vigorous lovemaking which, thanks to my man-kegels I've recently started during my commute, will end in time to lay in bed, watch SNL and discuss how shitty it is these days.

I hope she doesn't read this and ruin the surprise.

An Inspirational Message

For all the ladies braving Valentines Day without a man...

Courtesy of time-displaced vandals near my office.

And this other time...

I met an overweight homeless man.

I was skipping along the sidewalk on my way to purchase a tasty lunch of soup AND sandwich, when  an enormous mass came into my field of vision.

It was a human man. 

He sat on the ground with his back against the display window of a discount hat store called "Edgar Allen Chapeau," but all that adorned his head was a tattered crown of sadness, which in most parts of the country is called a Chicago Cubs hat. The gentleman also had on a filth encrusted, yet forever stylish, t-shirt and sweatpants combo that was stretched beyond any conceivable tension  limits. On this day I learned that fabric can feel pain.

Pedestrian's gazes turned from the grown man who had moments ago been skipping down the street to this spherical vagrant who was changing the flow of foot traffic. Never in my life have I seen such a large domicile-impaired individual. I wanted to inspect him visually, so I could make a solid guesstimate on his weight, but as I made my way to the opposite side, I became winded and gave up. 

The man seemed to be completely unconscious. He just sat there motionless, like a massive bean bag that hadcome into some tough times. Just as I was about to leave after a good 15 minutes of observing, his once restful eyes exploded open.

Startled, I and the others jumped back.  Our startlization levels intensified even further when the homeless fellow  sprang to his feet with the agility of  a Lynx pouncing on a snow hare. We took another step back and were almost sent backpedaling into traffic with what happened next.

He looked around wide-eyed and confused as if he had no idea where he was. Then his mouth opened and words sprang forth. Words mortal men are not used to hearing.

"NO! THE ROOTS ARE GONE! IT'S ALL COMING DOWN! MAKE FOR THE RIVER"'

The words blasted out of him with such force and conviction, that when he turned turned the corner and bolted towards the Hudson, no less than four people were following. I have never seen any of them again in my travels.

With my composure regained, I returned to thoughts of my sandwich, and skipped on.