Tuesday, January 26

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew?

This morning I found myself in a difficult situation. The boat portion of my journey to work had only just commenced when a slight chill lead to my hands being placed into my coat pockets. My left hand met with some unknown object that caused a crinkling noise upon collision. I took hold of this item and pulled it out to discover it was....a half-full bag of skittles.

What an unexpected delight! Few things are as sweet as rediscovered candy you somehow forgot about. Even then it is normally a yellow starburst you weren't in the mood for 3 days ago, or 6 nerds that escaped as you tried to open the box, so a find of this magnitude filled me with seven kinds of joy.

I smoothed out the bag and anticipated dumping as them down my gullet until I gagged. I was fully enthused and downright elated at the thought. I was going to suck off Roy G Biv until I taste the rainbow. Gross! Yay Candy!

Ryan's Brain: Hey buddy. Hold on one second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Ryan: Maybe, but I'm not even sure what kind of wine goes with Skittles.
Ryan's Brain: No friend. It's 8:05 in the MORNING.
Ryan: I'm not following you.
Ryan's Brain: You can not eat candy for breakfast! It's not healthy or socially acceptable.
Ryan: That's very close minded of you.
Ryan's Brain: OK. Look at it this way. You are sitting in the middle of a large group of people. If they seem some lunatic chugging skittles at 8 in the morning they will take notice and remember. Do you want to be known as "The Candy Guy" or even worse, "Skittles O'Rourke."
They will be pointing and laughing every day!
Ryan: Fine! I will wait until I get to work and hide in the bathroom.
Ryan's Penis: Whoa!! Guys look at that girl's tits!!
Ryan's Mouth: "Holy shit those are nice!"
Ryan's Brain: LOL Mouth you idiot!
Ryan: I hate you guys

And that's exactly how it happened. I had to pass on my favorite thing, instant gratification, for fear of the social stigma of AM Candyman.

5 comments:

Crystal said...

haha. it is true, ryan! steph and i still laugh about the goat in a human costume shoving fistfulls of salad into his face on the subway.

Extra Ordinary Me said...

HAHA... Skittles O'Rourke...

Jay Ferris said...

Maybe you could have just shared with the group. I mean, who doesn't like being offered candy from a stranger first thing in the morning?

LilSass said...

Ugh sucking off Roy G Biv? COMEDIC.GENIUS!!!!

i hump you

Becky said...

Omg. You are still a hilarious mofo.