Tuesday, December 23
Friday, December 19
Wednesday, December 17
Monday, December 1
Wednesday, November 26
Tuesday, November 25
Monday, November 24
Thursday, November 20
Tuesday, November 18
Monday, November 17
Friday, November 14
Thursday, November 13
Wednesday, November 12
Tuesday, November 11
Monday, November 10
In this particular post, the phrase "for all intents and purposes" was used. For three seconds I wondered why he had typed this phrase incorrectly. After my brain took those three seconds to use that ever elusive thing called reason, I suddenly became aware that I am in fact a massive dumbass because for as long as I can remember I have been saying "for all intensive purposes."
I'm sure I have used it on this blog more than a few times. This kind of mistake makes me feel quite stupid because I have been walking around saying it to people for years like I am some genius while they laugh at me later on during cellular chats with their friends. I know I am immediately calling them dopes and morons to other people as soon as I hear someone make a similar mistake.
The last time I remember this happening was when i realized I had been mispronouncing the word "covalent" since High School because I had a Sikh chemistry teacher with a very thick accent.
Anyway, that was dumb. Here is another paint piece.
Becky: Here is mine. Please draw Estelle Geddy wearing jean shorts, a coconut bra, and a hat with a very long feather attached to it. The feather should be yellow.She needs to be standing next to Patrick Duffy, holding hands and watching YOU riding a shark to work.
It's Estelle GeTTy, Becky.
Friday, November 7
That would be a Unicorn waiting to cross the street....
yllwdaisies: A gorilla running toward a plane w/ a ziploc bag of bread (2 slices).You have to trust me when I tell you there are two pieces in there.
Thursday, November 6
So we turn to gimmicks and reader participation.
I would like to draw you a picture in MS Paint. I am not a good artist, but I will attempt to create an image of anything you would like. What should I draw for you?
Obviously I have never seen breasts before.
Tuesday, November 4
Monday, November 3
Thursday, October 30
Wednesday, October 29
Tuesday, October 28
Monday, October 27
Friday, October 24
Thursday, October 23
Wednesday, October 22
Most of the time this chatter comes from groups of Russian people spewing out noise that sound like me when i vomited after trying borscht. In high school I took 3 years of Russian, but I can not understand more than a word or two of what these Chatty Katyas are saying. Unfortunately the only bits of Ruski that remained in my head after graduation were "The milk is near the window," "I live in a summer house," and "I love men in sour cream." Therefore I do my best to ignore them.
Yesterday I was in the early stages of writing what could have been an award winning short story, when my obliviousness was destroyed by a wackjob that sat across from me. This fella was a straight up weirdo. He didn't need to open his mouth for me to gauge his lunacy because he was wearing a bright blue cap with big silver wings sticking out from the sides. It looked like something Thor would wear if he was a slow adult. The hat was so bizarre it took me 5 minutes of discreet staring to notice that he was also wearing one of those always stylish leather jackets with hundreds of tassels hanging off of it. Topping it off was his ratting almost ass length pony tail of pumpkin colored hair. This bizarre vision blew out some fuses in my brain, and my attempts to block out the surrounding noise were about to fail miserably.
The weirdo was chatting to a more normal looking colleague across from him.
"Sunday I got up early and got ready before heading to the cat show"
This is when I realized what I would blog about today. I didn't expect to be nearly blinded with confusion and rage as his comments continued.
"You know, for all the Italian people around, there is a lot of bad pizza on Staten Island..."
What the?! Having lived on Staten Island all but one year of my life and being one of these Italian people, I couldn't believe what i was hearing. I had maybe run into a bad slice once or twice. Don't ever order from Monty's. Aside form that it's a regular pizza heaven. He then dropped this nugget out of his unbrushed mouth.
"We got Domino's the other night. In all the times we ordered from them, this was the first time they got there in less than 30 minutes."
What? What?! 30 seconds ago he is complaining about bad pizza. Now he is saying that he orders from fucking Domino's? More than once? That's like saying "Man music today is really bad...I love this Scarlett Johansson CD."
Domino's pizza should only be eaten by students away at college in a place where people say "Eye-talian."
Thanks for the post, asshole.
Monday, October 20
Friday, October 17
Thursday, October 16
Tuesday, October 14
Friday, October 10
Wednesday, October 8
Tuesday, October 7
Sunday, October 5
Friday, October 3
Unlike when I am awake, the trouble is not the whole tricking a girl into agreeing to let me mount her. The problem has always been the complete randomness of the unconscious world I reside in during the night. Many a time I have been in dream land lustily groping a young lady with skill and dexterity I could only hope for in real life, when suddenly members of my family will enter onto the scene, abruptly ending my march toward a perfectly enjoyable wet dream. Upon turning my attentions back to the young lady, it is too late. She has turned into my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Schulman, or a giant pair of chopsticks.
You know I can never recall having an actual wet dream. I may have had one, but I pissed the bed until I was 23 so maybe I missed it.
There was an instance where I actually achieved dream penetration. The dream sex was like a bowl of hot clam chowder. Steamy. Bubbling. Exploding with flavor. And full of the finest ingredients New England has to offer. What the? As I lay on my back and she used me like a hippity-hop, I felt the final moment approaching. Eruption was imminent.
Just as the celebration was about to start, she placed her hands on my stomach and proceeded to lift herself into a full handstand. She held herself there for a good five seconds and then violently brought herself down, driving her knees directly into my balls. This was kind of a precognitive dream as it turned out to be a good metaphor for the relationship I wound up having with her.
I do not have these kinds of dream problems currently. Something new and horrible has arisen from the darkest parts of my brain.
Last night I had a dream that start off with me in the audience for some kind of debate. The situation quickly changed into an odd scene where two semi-nude and fully-hot chicks began getting all up in my business and drawing me into a threesome. What a fantastic dream!! I was so aroused that I couldn't help myself and had to say something to spice things up! I opened my dream face and said...
"I have a girlfriend"
Wait. That can't be right. let me try that again.
"I can't do this. I have a girlfriend"
No! NO!! Stop it mouth!
"No really I have to go. I have a girlfriend."
AARAGGHH!!! This is wrong! But as I attempted to take the controls and guide myself back into the situation I saw it was too late. I was in a cafeteria with all new people who were discussing pudding.
This has happened 3 times in the past week! I think my brain hates me.
Thursday, October 2
During a recent interview, international super secret agent Jason Bourne was asked about Sarah Palin. He said of her
"I need to know if she really think that dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do. Because she's gonna have the nuclear codes."
A-fucking-men Matt Damon.
Wednesday, October 1
There is one subject however, where I see zero room for any freedom of opinion. It is not up for debate. Any deviation from what I believe is an indictment of one's character and a sign of complete and total worthlessness. The subject?
More specifically, the reality of, and facts regarding, the existence of dinosaurs. As incomprehensible as it is, there are people who will debate these things.
I was recently sent this here tidbit by Girlfriend which describes how, widely recognized genius, Sarah Palin believes that dinosaurs existed 6 thousand years ago.
Now, if you go on TV and make an ass of yourself trying to speak on subjects you clearly know nothing about, I may sympathize with you. I will laugh and send the YouTube link to everyone I know, but there will be some sympathy in the air. If you want to proclaim yourself knowledgeable on a subject due to your geographical proximity to it, I may lose some confidence in your intelligence. But as soon as vomit up insane bullshit about dinosaurs and people running around together you go on the list of people I want to violently pelt with a metric ton of wet paper towels.
Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?How can anybody with enough brain power to dress themselves believe something as ridiculous as this? Has she seen what a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex looks like? Obviously not. Look at this motherfucker.
He is 7 tons and 40 ft long. He has teeth that can reach up to 12 inches in length and an estimated bite force of 230,000 newtons! You know how many newtons it takes to puncture a human skull? 12 newtons! Don't bother to look it up. I didn't. The point is, if people were running around in loincloths with zero machine guns, we would be wiped out. No civilization. No technology. No Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. Nothing!
Shockingly there are people out there who are even more despicable and useless. My closest encounter with one of these walking pile sof refuse was when Girlfriend informed me that a "friend" of hers does not believe in dinosaurs. It is difficult for me to put into words the amount of fiery visceral rage this causes me to know such a person exists, so I will just say this...
I normally do not care whatever nonsense people choose to believe, but if you think that all of these bones that have been dug up over the years are some part of a massive scientific conspiracy then you need to be flat out eliminated. Anyone who can maintain this powerful a dellusion can not be of any use in the progression of mankind. When your religious beliefs cause you to ignore reality to this extent, it is time to lay off the sacremental wine for a while.
Strangely, I am not allowed to meet this acquaintice of Girlfriend because she feels I may immediately start a fight. She is correct, and it is probably for the best because I would feel terrible if a dinosaur-hating harpy beat me up. I'd be remiss if I also didn't mention that this lunatic will refuse the existence of dinosaurs because of her religion, but routinely participates in group sex, wife swapping and has tried to get my girlfriend to have a threesome with her and her greasy husband. Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ.
I'f you've made it to the end of this monster, I would like to leave you with one last thought.
A Vote for Obama is a Vote for Dinosaurs.
Spread the word.
Monday, September 29
Since I am what some might call "a complete sap," I find it difficult to harbour such vile feelings for people I have actually come in contact with. This leaves a vast pool of individuals who I will most likely never meet. They will never get a chance to tell me how three times a week they go to a school in an impoverished neighborhood and read to kindergartners with learning disabilities.My loathing will never waiver because they adopted a dog who lost a leg saving people in a flood. Never will I hear them describe how difficult it was to overcome the crippling fear of capybaras to become one of the top zookeepers in all of South America. They can not grab my heartstrings!
Now, if I had to pick a person I hate the most, it would be Julia Roberts. The reasons for this are numerous, and I will not go into them now. For today we will discuss people who fill me with hate just because of their face.
You may say, "Hey man. That's shallow." Maybe it is, but I don't always hate them because they are ugly. Many are not. It is simply a reflex reaction I have whenever I see these people. Their faces infuriate me. I will do my best to explain why for those I share with you today.
Hal Holbrook - Maybe it's the eyebrows. Maybe it's because I get the feeling he has worn a bolo tie more than once. Maybe it's because he looks like he should be sitting in a balcony with a friend making fun of Fozzy Bear. Whatever it is, I can not stand looking at him for more than 5 seconds without getting up and throwing phantom kicks. I will admit that I am somewhat jealous that he gets to bone one of the Designing Women.
The Red Headed Guy on ER - I haven't watched ER in nearly a decade. I don't know who this guy is. I've only seen him in commercials while I am watching The Office. I know nothing about him. But I fucking hate him. He just looks like he would be a prick. Every time his freckled mug pops up in a promo I am overcome with the need to grab him by his fucking lab coat and toss him into a large bookcase filled with an inordinate amount of bulky reference books. Writing this is becoming increasingly difficult with his picture there, as I have become so irate that I am typing with my fists.
Sophie Monk - You may be confused now and thinking, "Hey what the hell? She is pretty." Wrong. She is not pretty. To me she looks like an alien race's attempt to create a hot chick. They used all kinds of advanced technology and research data, but something still was not quite right, ultimately leading to the failure of their plans for world domination. The fact that I actually know who this person is also contributes to my hate. How can someone have a career based on nothing but looks, when they look like Miss Piggy on Jenny Craig.
I have Muppets on the brain today. Anyway, I left of the one person whose face infuriates me the most, but my webcam is malfunctioning
Whose face do you hate?