Monday, October 27

DJ Restraining Order

Is it normal to have a big party for your child's 1st birthday? I can see a healthy gathering of friends and family would be appropriate, sure. A nice yard party perhaps.

What about if you have the party in a hall? With a bar? And a DJ?

That's what I was at yesterday. Instead of ranting about what this says about the current state of society, I have to discuss this DJ.

He was a large fellow. He was about 6 feet tall and dressed in all black. His gut was light years passed the point of entertaining any thoughts of fastening his belt over it. Lifting it has to take so much effort that he has resigned himself to sitting down to take a leak. He had a short pony tail and arrived in a creepy vehicle that my cousin's husband referred to as a "rape van."

I'm not sure how a 1st birthday party rates on the scale of gigs for a DJ, but I can't imagine it is very high. I'd have to put it above Nursing Home Christmas Party but below a Bris. The self loathing this DJ was experiencing had to be monumental, and it started to show at points during the shin dig.

When he asked the father of the birthday boy if he should play music to entertain the many kids present or some more adult jams for the bulk of the crowd, he was told, "I'd say focus on the kids, but don't forget about the adults." This couldn't have cleared matters up, but I still don't believe it is a valid excuse for playing unedited versions of "Crank Dat" and "Jump Around." I can only imagine the awkward silences and near collisions that were caused when more than one child asked their parents what "Supaman dat ho" means during the ride home.

I will give him credit because the kids did look entertained. He showed them had to dance to several of the songs. Sure he commented on a woman's large breasts into the microphone while the children were limboing and wouldn't stop talking along with the singers, but the kids expectations seemed very low.

And it's a good thing the kids didn't expect much because this guy had the absolute worst balloon art skills anyone has ever seen. It was obvious he couldn't make anything resembling an animal. Maybe a dead snake, but that's it. Most of what he handed out was, I hope, supposed to be a sword, but more resembled a giant drooping cock. I have no idea what the other objects he made were supposed to be, but here is a picture I took of what I can only describe as a pile of fail.

As I left I saw him sitting at a table eating his third piece of birthday cake. Two kids whacked him in the face with their big pink balloon dicks as "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden blared out of the speakers.
I'm going to check the paper today for any reports of a fat guy hanging himself with his own pony tail.

9 comments:

Chris Wilson said...

So his sign, "Will DJ for food" actually bought him a gig.

Diane said...

As a childless woman who has been dragged to a number of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 year old parties, let me just say that alcohol is key.

Don't invite me to a 6 year old's pool party and expect me to stick around drinking punch.

Better yet - send me an invitation, but be satisfied when I send a gift and don't attend in person.

Em said...

So, the kids were entertained. Were you?

Ryan said...

I'm pretty sure these kids would have been entertained by anything that allowed them to spin in circles and crash into each other.

I have very funny cousins, and there was cake, so yes I was.

Em said...

Well, sounds like a worthwhile party then... and yea, I know people who throw huge parties for their one year olds. It's just an excuse to eat cake and drink. Once you have kids you need those as often as possible.

Catastrophe Waitress said...

'rape van' ?!@! ha!!!
oh my lordy that was a funny post.

i am guessing that this guy doesn't survive on referrals from satisfied customers.

monkey girl said...

Entertaining post.

Of course, I'm still waiting to hear what the "H" word is...

I have some last minute guesses:

Ho-ho?
Hot horny hole?
Hogwash?
Hello Dolly?
Hissy fit?

I've got a pretty lengthy vocabulary list of the nasty nasty and I don't recall any "H" words.

Jay Ferris said...

Just added "rape van" to grammar check on MS Word.

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