Tuesday, October 14

Mistakes on a Plane, Part 1

I have mixed feelings about flying. I like the idea that in a few hours I can be in a strange new place where I don't have to work. I do not like that this place may be a giant  fiery wreck 35 miles away from my destination.

In the past my main concern before a flight would be how I could avoid freaking out to the point where I am squealing as I eat fist fulls of my own hair. These days I am much more comfortable with airline travel. The main thing I worry about a flight now is how best to make the time in the air pass quickly, so that I do not get so bored I start asking people if they want to play a game of "Guess Who has the B.O. Problem."

The plan I devised to solve the problems of boredom and mid-air panic seemed fool-proof. If I were to not sleep the night before a flight, I will be so tired that once I am strapped in on the plane I will pass the hell out. Not only would I avoid  the risk of soiling myself thinking the plane is going down when I sense vibrations as the fat guy next to me farts into his seat, but it will feel like no time had passed when a kindly flight attendant wakes me up telling me that if I don't get off the plane they will release the dogs on me. Sounds perfect right?

Almost. While I had several successful runs with Operation pass out on a plane, there were two incidents.

The first occurred as myself and a number of my high school classmates returned from a Senior Trip to Florida. Nothing 17 and 18 year-olds want to do more than go to Disney World. I was asleep for much of the flight, and only awoke as we descended into Newark Airport. I began slipping back and forth from being awake back to unconsciousness. On one jolt out of dreamland I gained some awareness as to my situation. My head was leaning forward. My mouth was agape in a bass-like manner (the fish or the Lance) .  

Even being somewhat out of it, my embarrassment alarm went off when I realized how ridiculous I looked. Seeking to correct this, I quickly jerked my head backwards and my mouth shut.

Unfortunately, in my woozy state I failed to notice the thick strand of drool that hung from my low hanging  mouth. As I attempted to avoid humiliation by yanking my head back, the almost pillar-like drool was flung from my lower lip  through the air and landed across the back of the seat in front of me with a surprisingly audible SLAP.

I stared at the glistening gob for a good ten seconds before slowly turning my head toward the aisle, now fully awake. Across from me sat a girl named Holly. Holly with a pretty smile. Holly with a nice ass. Holly with a look of complete revulsion on her face. You know, one of those looks where your top lip curls up really high and you kind of look like Ellen Degeneres does all the time. I was frozen by her Medusa gaze of disgust shooting across the aisle as the wheels hit the runway.

Holly and I never had a thing like I thought we would. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship being at the end of my high school run, and she didn't want me to drench her in saliva. For some reason, this didn't not cause me to abandon Operation Pass Out On a Plane.

7 comments:

Jay Ferris said...

Didn't Rachel Ray go through this same thing with her husband?

Crystal said...

i am the fat guy next to you!

monkey girl said...

What's wrong with a little Xanax and a vodka cocktail? Works for me.

Em said...

Rachel Ray? What is he talking about?

Um... yea... I hate falling asleep on airplanes. It's not comfortable.

Ryan said...

Jay - I think I read that article in US weekly where she opened up about her husbands horrible nighttime salivatory explosions.

Crystal - you do strike me as someone who can cause mass panic with a gust of anal air

monkey girl - I'm prevented by law from drinking any kind of alcohol. I could always double down on the Xanax though.

em - Very uncomfortable. And if you try to improve things by laying down in the aisle, everyone gets very rude.

Diane said...

Since we drank at the airports my flights to and from New Orleans weren't top bad except for the guy in front of me who pretty much broke his seat back making sure it was ad far in my lap as possible.

He was cute but I preferred to focus on the fact that he moved his lips when he text messaged.

Chris Wilson said...

So in the event of a water landing, we could actually use your unconcious body as a flotation device?

You mentioned something about 2 incidents. What pray tell was the second?