Wednesday, November 26

My Diet, Part 3: Smile and say Puke!

This will be brief as I have a half day today. I think it's for parent teacher conferences.

I LOVE mozzarella cheese. I like a smattering of Parmesan cheese on my foods. I am pleased by Ricotta when it is stuffed inside a ravioli.

I despise all other cheeses. 

Despite being sickeningly patriotic at times, I will can not bring myself to even taste American cheese, and I am definitely not neutral when it comes to Swiss. Gouda is not Gouda, and Feta is no betta.  I hate all this shit. 

Cheese is gross. It smells gross. It feels gross. I really don't even want to touch cheese unless it is to throw at people eating cheese. 

Does it bother any of you that any kind of vile buildup of filth and gunk around the loin area is described as cheese? How can something comparable to smegma be at all appealing to eat?

Do you know how cheese is made? I will tell you. You leave an unfinished bowl of cereal on your dresser for a month and half. There,  you have just made some cheese. Who wants to eat something made like that? Do you know how much Febreeze winds up in there?

And what the hell kind of food comes wheel form? 

Artificial cheese flavoring is A OK in my books, and I am obviously not opposed to cheese in written form.

7 comments:

Chris Wilson said...

You're talking crazy talk, man. Saying you don't like cheese is like saying you don't like breathing.

Jay Ferris said...

I agree with Chris. Just because it's aged and sounds nasty doesn't mean it's awful, like beer or Rue McClanahan.

Diane said...

Now we know why you brought your girlfriend bread at the airport - you really did view it as a complete meal.

No cheeseburgers? No cheese enchiladas?

Cheese is right up there with peanut butter as a perfect food.

Becky said...

I'd marry cheese if it were legal in this state. I wish I hated it though, I'd probably actually have the body of a female if I did.

Effortlessly Average said...

I can't believe, being male, that you forgot the fifth food group: Cheese Whiz.

Not only is it cheese flavoring on demand, you haven't even lived until you've licked the cheese-whiz bikini from an otherwise naked Brazilian model.

Oh, and btw, greetings from Rio!

Unknown said...

Smegma? Thanks for ruining cheese for me!

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