If ifs and buts were candy and nuts....wait how does that go again?

This may not come as much of a shock to anyone who reads this, but I don't think very much of myself. Because of this, it is always surprising to me if I happen to gain the fancy of a lovely lady.
(where the hell did I get that from?)

A few days ago, my new e-friend Becky, from Becky's Hot Bliggity Blog which has quickly become one of my most favoritest sites for laughs and pictures of celebrity nose hair, left me a comment that made me think.

She said, "I'd be all over your loins right now if.... "

I get a lot of statements like this on the internet. I usually chalk it up to some evil wench torturing me, but what I'm going to do is attempt to finish her statement!

The Ladies would be all over my loinage right now if:

- They weren't in a relationship (Boring!)
- I didn't smell like Beef Stew.
- The hair on my knuckles wasn't 7 inches long.
- Said loins weren't similar in size and shape to a cashew.
- I were less Tom Arnold and more Tom Selleck
- I didn't drop my pants down to my ankles when I take a leak like a 4 year old does.
- I didn't look like Milhouse.
- My idea of a romantic evening wasn't building a blanket fort, eating macaroni and cheese and talking like Mr. T
- I would take down my Nelson posters already.
- I didn't paint my toenails all different colors then walk around offering people Skittles and when they say yes, take of my shoes and kick them in the facial.
- I could turn back time. ( I asked Cher to help but she was fucking clueless)
- I didn't start giggling like an 8 year old whenever someone says the word "panties"
- I didn't flirt with women by throwing fake punches at their head and torso. (I totally stole thisfrom a friend)
- I serenaded women with normal songs instead of music from Video Games
- They could call me Betty, and Betty when I called them I could call them Al.
- On a date, I wouldn't constantly ask her if she thinks she could beat me in an arm wrestling match.
- I didn't dress like Macho Man Randy Savage.
- I didn't fart and wink uncontrollably any time a girl smiles at me.
- I stopped going to the barber and asking for an "MC Hammer"
- My wardrobe consisted of more than denim vests and Zubaz pants.
- My hips didn't involuntarily start thrusting whenever a woman walks in front of me
- I didn't cry whenever my penis is touched.

I could go on and on....and on.