I'm feeling unpleasant. I'm phone bitch for another god damn week and everyone here still thinks it's hilarious to walk by and call me by the receptionists name and tell me I need a shave. I apologize for whining, but fuck you. Anyway, I will describe my weekend to all 7 of you, so you can see how cool I am.
Friday night I was very bored after eating dinner. So bored in fact that I found myself on Yahoo Messenger looking for people to say stupid things to in the hopes it would be funny enough for me to paste onto this blog for a cheap and easy post. I became involved in several IMs immediately as a result of the screen name I was using, "the_sensual_midget."
I almost had something good going. I had told this haggard woman from England that I was a 47 year old widower who was having intercourse with the best friend of his 17 year old daughter. She didn't have the reaction of shock and disgust I was hoping for even when I told her that my wife died falling off the roof when I made her clean the gutters. Instead she began to try and top me with her tale of woe. She was desperately in love with some writer she had met one time six years ago. She was still holding out hope that he remembered her, and one day would happen to stroll into the chat room she frequented and they would live happily ever after. I wanted to tell her that if this guy did remember her he would wince hard enough to pull a muscle, but her story was so sad and depressing I just told her I was masturbating so she'd get grossed out and leave me alone. The rest of the evening consisted of me declining an invitation to eat greasy food with a Native American, and watching boxing until I passed out.
Saturday I roamed around grazing like a water buffalo until about 5 PM when I had to head to work at my second job as a professional pointer. The commute into Manhattan on the weekends is quite annoying because of the inconsistency of the subway schedule and mainly due to the huge masses of annoying European tourists Ich bin ein jackoffing around the city.
The job is about as easy as it gets, and the guys who work there are an entertaining bunch of lads. This night was exceptional because not only did I encounter a midget and a completely wasted giant, but I also got to stare at famous celebrity Jerry Stiller. At first I thought someone had just brought along a very surly lawn gnome, but it was in fact Frank Costanza himself. Needless to say, this is the new highlight of my life. After work I went home and passed out while watching boxing.
Sunday I received a lovely and timely wake up call at about 11:30. I rolled out of bed to the bus stop and headed back to work again. It was uneventful this day and I soon found myself back home. I had enjoyed a pork dinner until I was informed afterwards that all pork has maggots in it and soon I would have worms coming out of my anus. After this bit of comforting news I spent the rest of the day trying to kill time. The night ended with me having a fist fight against my brain and Jesus.
I definitely need to start drinking.
come together, right now (literally)
3 years ago
12 comments:
Ummm, did you cook the pork dinner? If the answer is yes, you are probably ok. I'm confused by your second professional pointer job - please explain.
So you don't send out photos of your penis to the women you meet in chat rooms? That seemed to be a popular move a few years ago . . .
I dunno dude; sounds to me like you're already drinking. hehe.
Is "watch boxing" a euphemism? Is that what you kids are calling it now-a-days?
Don't buy those lame videos where some jack off pours coke onto a pork chop; shit's fake.
As for the second job, it has to be a NY thing, cause I don't get it. Or I suppose it could also be a "not socially retarded" thing.
Iffin ya do start drinking then ya dont have to worry about the worms; the booze kills them.
What do you point with?
Has there ever been consistancy on the yarbus?
Oh my...so sorry, Ryan. :o( Perhaps a drink or two would help dull the intense pain that is your life?
I thought Jerry Stiller was dead.
diane - the pork was cooked. Although generally I like my meat still breathing. My second job is an Usher at a Broadway Thee ay ter. I never sent pictures of my penis out to women. I would just show them on my webcam.
EA - I may have been drunk from breathing the same air as her.
yllw - I really meant watch boxing. If I meant masturbating I may have said "hitting the speedbag" or "Making my penis shake like it was Muhammed Ali"
bp - Thank you for informing me of this. My anus no longer itches.
monster - I did not know that. I will get a tape worm and experiment. I only point with my hand, but since I read your question I want to try other things.
sassy - Finally someone understands how terrible my life is. And to top it all off the Mets are only in first by 4 and a half games. Woe is me!
photogirl - after seeing him, I'm not sure you're wrong.
You saw a midget, a giant and Jerry Stiller in one night? That's a trifecta of awesomeness, my friend.
Drinking definitely makes things better, I promise. If I could drink my way through school, you can drink your way through 8 hours on the job no problem
maggots tickle
ok. i am officially disgusting.
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