Heinz

A great number of things have occurred this year. All of which I failed to write about despite their importance, gravity, and extremely high levels of "Oh that's fascinating."

My goal today is to pick one of these events and share it with the two people who will randomly check my blog, the three I will force to read it through incessant badgering, and the guy who goes to Google and searches for " saucy underpants wench. "

I could share with you stories of my new girlfriend, and how we came to be joined together as one, as frequently and with and much grunting as possible. Another option is to discuss how there has been a great upheaval at my place of work, and how I will both benefit and be hurt as a result. I have travelled to foreign lands with new and bustling cities I have never before seen. Maybe I could get all cerebral on your ass and discuss the numerous books I have devoured since deciding I need to read more again (I of course am using devoured metaphorically, except in one case where I ate 2 whole stories from a David Sedaris book while stuck on the subway in a power outage).

The choice is difficult, but I shall choose this:

Over the past few years, 2007 especially, I have been prone to severe and unexpected bouts of exercise. It always manifests itself initially in the form of running. It is also called jogging, but I have not heard this term used for quite a while. In many cases, the exercise will stay at this point until it fades off after or month or so. Other times it continues to spread, taking the form of push ups, sit ups and crunches, and in a worst case scenario causes me to pay money so I can visit a place full of bulky men who scream while wearing fruity tank tops.

So last night I decided I need to go for a run because I had just returned from a week long vacation where my diet consisted mainly of ice cream and various Italian cheeses. I prepared myself by putting on my sneakers and running socks, and finding a crappy t-shirt I wouldn't wear anymore unless I am moving quickly in the dark. I have a surprising number of these shirts despite never having bought one for this specific purpose.

When I slipped on my black mesh pair of shorts I noticed they felt a little tight in the area known as the caboose. This caused me to continue to think like a 13 year old girl and get upset about how fat I am and quickly run out the door and hit the streets.

The run was brief and slightly uncomfortable due to my apparent new girth, but not bad considering I hadn't had one for 2 weeks. No more than 8 seconds after stopping I look down towards the ground, for my neck gets very limp during cardiac arrest, and notice the pockets on my shorts were weird, and also the front of my shorts were embarrassingly loose and baggy. As I stood there panting heavily and staring at my lack of frontal bulge and feeling the mesh holes expanding around the curve of my buttocks, it hit me.

I put my shorts on backwards.

I felt incredibly stupid yet relieved my penis wasn't being sucked into my body, forcing my ass to expand. I also didn't feel completely moronic because a few weeks ago while I was at work I went to the bathroom to urinate and discovered I had put my boxers on backwards. At that moment I felt exceedingly dumb because I had actually felt a hole, which was the fly, on the part covering my ass, but figured it was just a rip and if anything would be convenient for a visit to the toilet.