Wednesday, November 28

She Fell Down the Stairs

During a recent excavation of my living quarters I unearthed a magnificent treasure. This priceless item is what kick started me to post here again, because I had to share it with as many people as I could. So that will be about 12 or so I guess.

What I found was this folded piece of yellowed paper. Was it a lost copy of the Declaration of Independence?! Was I about to cash in? Yeah right. If it had been I wouldn't be here talking to you chumps.

I opened it and discovered it was a letter I wrote while in 2nd Grade. That's Grade 2 for you Canadians out there. I was first completely elated by this find because this letter is famous in my family for reasons you shall soon see. Then a mild wave of depression hit me when I realized something I wrote could possibly be mistaken for a historical document. I'm old.

So, please join me in a jaunt in my time machine as we crank it up to 88 mph (that's 141.62 kph for you Canadians out there) as we blast back to a magical time known as 1986. It was a simpler time, a more innocent time. A time when the President couldn't be bothered to acknowledge or even mention that silly blip on the radar known as AIDS. A time when nobody thought Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer wanted to make out in their flight suits. A time when Eddie Murphy told the world that his girl can't stop attending celebrations. And we will never forget 1986 as the greatest year ever for the Amazin' Mets triumph in the World Series against the, then, loser Red Sox. God I miss you, Darryl Strawberry.

As phenomenal as the year was, there was some tragedy that took place early on. On January 28th the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded shortly after takeoff. As many will remember, on board the shuttle was the woman who was going to be the first teacher in space, Christa McAullife.

Flash over to Staten Island, NY. In a second grade classroom is P.S. 54 an assignment is given out. Each student must write a letter to a member of Christa McAuliffe's family expressing our sympathies. A young boy who looked particularly dashing because he didn't have glasses that yea chose her son Scott to write his letter to. This is exactly what was written.

Dear Scott,


I'm very sorry for what happened to your mother. Did you hear they found the capsil with bones in it? These dumb people on the news were taking pieces of the space shuttle and N.A.S.A. told them not to. One time my mother and father were fighting and my father threw a plate at my mother and I thought she was going to die.


Sincerely,
Ryan


You can see that even back that, empathy was one of my greatest qualities.

I only spelled capsule wrong, so I am proud of that. You can laugh all you want, but the bottom line is I got a mark of "Very Good" on it.

It did lead to a very awkward and embarrassing Parent Teacher Conference shortly after though.

17 comments:

Effortlessly Average said...

Clearly you have a gift for sympathy. Maybe you should go into psychology?

And... 1986? You were in the second grade in 1986? And YOU'RE old?! Geez, I was already out of high school in 1986 (although only barely).

Clearlykels said...

Ok- I know that we aren't supposed to laugh and the whole plate throwing-- but I love how succinct it was written.

You are old. In 1986, I was starting Kindergarten. Old man.

D-HOR said...

Oh God you just brougt tears of laughter to my eyes. Ohhh lorrdy - the plate thing with your mom and dad, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh Ryan I as of NOW *heart* you.

AAHAHAHAHAHahahhahaaahhaaha......

D-HOR said...

Brought, fuck.

Diane said...

I threw the kitchen sponge at my dog on Thanksgiving Day when I saw her about to steal food off the kitchen table.

Diane said...

p.s. I was in second year of Grad school in 1986

Sassy Blondie said...

Jesus, Ryan, I was 15 when the Space Shuttle exploded and watching it in the auditorium at school. You are not old, you lil shit!

First, I'm thinking that the assignment was a bit much to ask of a 2nd grader. Your teacher was an idiot. Second, I love that you found the dumbass letter anyway. Lastly, I still love you. ;)

M-M-M-Mishy said...

The real question is, was it an flimsy one dollar* Ikea plate or a serious weighty serving platter?

*Thats about 98 cents for you Americans.

RevRee said...

Hahhahaha awww that's so sweet! You really know how to put a tear in someones eye...God Bless you

Anonymous said...

Oi, achei seu blog pelo google está bem interessante gostei desse post. Gostaria de falar sobre o CresceNet. O CresceNet é um provedor de internet discada que remunera seus usuários pelo tempo conectado. Exatamente isso que você leu, estão pagando para você conectar. O provedor paga 20 centavos por hora de conexão discada com ligação local para mais de 2100 cidades do Brasil. O CresceNet tem um acelerador de conexão, que deixa sua conexão até 10 vezes mais rápida. Quem utiliza banda larga pode lucrar também, basta se cadastrar no CresceNet e quando for dormir conectar por discada, é possível pagar a ADSL só com o dinheiro da discada. Nos horários de minuto único o gasto com telefone é mínimo e a remuneração do CresceNet generosa. Se você quiser linkar o Cresce.Net(www.provedorcrescenet.com) no seu blog eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. If is possible add the CresceNet(www.provedorcrescenet.com) in your blogroll, I thank. Good bye friend.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

What a beautiful letter. I guess your dipshit teacher never heard of EMAIL??!

(It was a paper plate, wasn't it?)

Princess in Galoshes said...

Yeah. What Crescenet said.

Fitter Happier said...

I missed your posts.

Thank you for brightening my day.

Effortlessly Average said...

Actually Mishy, I think it's now something like $0.42. heh

Real Live Lesbian said...

If you were old in 2nd grade in 1986...I'm going shopping for a coffin.

Great letter!

Christie said...

I'm older than you, too. Goodness that sucks. Seriously, did your dad really throw a plate at your mom? I told my whole kindergarten class for Show and Tell that my mommy and daddy slept NAKED and I thought it was so gross. My parents had to explain to me about what was "appropriate" to share at show and tell.

v said...

Great post. And I agree with blondie, your teacher was an idiot for coming up with such an assignment for 2nd graders.