The kind with the feet?

Recently I have learned that at a very young age I was quite advanced with regards to my knowledge of topics in the sexual realm. This discovery was made as a result of three related tales my mother told me.

Before I get into them, I will introduce you to the cast of characters.

Young Ryan - a precocious little youth who fought and clawed his way into the world approximately 6 or 7 years before these stories took place. Over 20 years later he still has no idea what precocious means.

Young Steven - A 6 or 7 year old boy who lives directly across the street from Young Ryan, and many times left his childhood compatriot to journey off to day camp alone due to getting nervous and having to take a shit every time the bus arrived to pick them up. An avid Billy Joel fan.

Young Bernadette - younger sister of Young Steven at the age of 5 or 6. Umm...she was a girl. Listen, all I can remember about her is that at the age of 16, 8 years after their family had moved out, she scratched the hell out of my friend Johnny's back while swimming in his pool during a visit to their old neighborhood. The main thing to remember here is that she is a girl.

Mother Fran - Giver of life to Young Ryan.

Mother Eileen - Giver of life to Young Steven.

OK here goes.

PART 1 - The Home of Young Ryan- Interior - Living Room
Young Ryan and Young Steven are sitting on the floor watching the 1986 film classic "Little Shop of Horrors". During one scene, Steve Martin, playing the sadist Dentist, turns to his girlfriend Audrey, played by Ellen Greene, and says, "You got the handcuffs?"

Young Ryan - What do they need handcuffs for?
Young Steven - People use them when they have sex.

Upon hearing this, Mother Fran runs to the kitchen while trying to stifle a laugh and quickly calls across the street. Mother Eileen picks up the phone on the other end.

Mother Fran - (while losing control of her stifled laughter) - What the hell goes on at your house?

aaaaaaand SCENE!

PART 2 - Exterior - Day Camp -an open field on a sunny day.
Young Ryan and Young Steven sit in the brilliantly green grass and talk about something I can't remember. Probably Transformers or dinosaurs or Macho man Randy Savage. I can't remember. Creepy Weird Girl Who I Don't Remember approaches the dynamic duo.

CWGWIDR - Do you guys know what a Blow Job is?
Young Ryan - It's when a girl sucks on a boy's penis. Duh!

Cut to later in the day, as Young Steven returns home from camp and immediately tells his mother that he now knows what a blow job is, and who he learned it from. Mother Eileen darts to the phone and dials the number for the home across the street. Mother Fran answers on the other end.

Mother Eileen - What the hell is going on at YOUR house?

aaaaaand SCENE!!

Do you guys need an intermission? I can wait. Go get yourself a cool beverage. Perhaps a tall cool glass of Orange Drink before we go on. It's damn refreshing.

PART 3 -Interior - The home of Young Ryan- Front Porch

Young Ryan, Young Steven and Young Bernadette sit in various places on the porch. I have no clue what was going on, or what started this brief, albeit legendary, conversation, so lets just say a giant comet had just narrowly missed crashing into the earth, and Ronald Reagan had just agreed to a Greco-roman wrestling match with the Ayatollah Khomeni. An eerie calm had set in across the Earth.

Young Ryan - I have a penis.
Young Bernadette - I have a vagina.
Young Steven - I have pajamas.

aaaand SCENE.

There could be no word more perfect in that sentence than pajamas.

I hope you've learned three things from these three brief tales. The first is that while I was very well educated in sex at a young age, my knowledge over the years has barely increased. In fact, I still don't quite understand the whole handcuffs deal. I dated a girl a few years ago who said she wanted me to use handcuffs on her, so I put her hands behind her back, slapped the cuffs onto her wrists, threw her down face first on the hood of a car and recited her Miranda Rights. You see my point.

The second thing is that I will use every opportunity I can to include a picture of "Macho Man" Ranch Savage in a post.

The third thing you should have learned is that I am really bored today.

*EDIT* I've learned a fourth thing. Blogger still sucks motherfucking ass whenever I add pictures.