Semi?

My cousin is getting married on Saturday. I am looking forward to it because large family gatherings are often great fun on that side of the family. It's a bit of a party family. You mix my Irish side with some alcoholic beverages, throw in some fun time party music and enough room for my aunts and uncles to do dances that were last seen on American Bandstand, and we'll be like the Flinstones. Having a gay ol' time.


Last Friday there was sort of a post Vegas Bachelor Party man dinner at a very nice steakhouse in Manhattan. Being that I, unfortunately, was not able to attend the festivities out west, this was my first opportunity to meet some of the bride's family. They are an extremely friendly and welcoming bunch of fellas. One of them seemed to conveniently start talking about blow jobs anytime the waitress showed up, but that is considered charming in some cultures (e.g. New Jersey).


Prior to dinner, our group was sitting in the bar zone having beverages and conversing. One of the bride's uncles, who shall be known now as Uncle Professor, had the ears of myself and my brother. Uncle Professor is a man in his mid to late 60s, short in stature but big in talking and experience. According to him, he has been all over the world and seen all kinds of things. Uncle Professor was in mid-lecture regarding a neighborhood on Long Island and how it fell from being a cultural center, to kind of a dump when he hit us with a puzzling, but promising question.

"You don't mind if I am semi-vulgar, do you?"

No of course not Uncle Professor! Please do go on!

"Are you familiar with Judaism?"

This question confuses me after his previous one and makes me worry some, but I tell him that I am mildly familiar with the tenets of Judaism. The following is as verbatim as I can remember.

"Now as you may know, the Hacsdic Jews are not as bad as the Orthodox in regards to the amount and strictness of rules they must follow. The Orthodox Jews are only allowed to have sex with their wives for the purpose of procreation, unlike us catholics who, once married, are allowed to engage in sex with our spouse whenever we feel like it."

Where the hell is this going Uncle Professor, and why do I feel like I need a flak jacket for when we get there?

"Now, back in the day, if you went to any whorehouse, or cathouse as they used to say then, if you were to go to a cathouse, you would see a number of Hasidic men in line waiting to be tended to. All of them would be carrying with them a brown paper bag. The Hasidic men would only want to be with the black prostitutes. The black prostitutes would refuse to sleep with the Hasidic men because they smelled bad due to poor hygiene, so the men had to take showers and wash first."

"Once the Hasidic men washed, the women had no problem and would bring them into their bed. Now, after eating the black pussy, the men would take out of the bag the kosher wine and proceed to drink it"

I apologize because I don't really remember the entire kosher ritual Uncle Professor went on to describe here for my head had fucking exploded when he blurted out "after eating the black pussy" ever so nonchalantly. There was no chalant in his voice at all. Zero chalant!

If that was "semi-vulgar" I would hate to hear what full on obscene is to him. I'm sure it has to involve 3 tubs of chicken grease and a shaved lemur.

I can not wait for the wedding reception.