The time I tried to mug someone

Twas not so long ago that I found myself in a bit of a financial jam. I was young and naive, as opposed to now when I am just naive. I won't get into too much detail, but through a series of bad business decisions, such as thinking my miniature schnauzer had a career in dogfighting, I found myself owing more money than I could afford to this guy everyone in my neighborhood knew as "Possum Tony."

Possum Tony was a very large dude. He was so large that, if you saw him from about 50 yards away, you'd say, "Weird, that brick wall looks like it's scratching it's ass." Now I'm sure you're wondering how the hell he got a nickname like Possum Tony. Well, oddly enough this guy had pet Opossums, which was weird because he normally didn't like Irish people. Ugh. Anyway, when his possums gave birth he got the idea that he could carry the babies around in his chest hair. It was probably the stupidest idea anyone had ever heard of, but no one had the balls to tell him that because we were all very attached to having our testicles in their normal spot and not slung over a telephone wire like a pair of mystery sneakers.

So there I was, dangerously close to having my fingers snapped off and fed to chest hair rodents. I had no way to scrounge up enough money in time because I was lazy and didn't feel like getting a job. Being the master of brilliant ideas that I am, I decided the only way to get the money I needed was by stealing it. A bank heist would have been ideal, but I don't have a gun or any kind of cool Halloween mask to wear during it. "Hey! Mugging someone is easy. If I do that a couple times I could probably get enough money to save my hide," was the thought that my fantastic brain then gave birth to.

After extensive planning and preparation that included cutting eye holes in a ski hat because I didn't have a ski mask, I went out with the goal of making my first foray into a life of crime. I picked out this excellent bush to hide behind and waited for a ripe target to get off the bus and start walking home. I passed on the first 3 people who walked by because two of them were large and the other one was my dad. "I better wait for a woman or some kind of midget to come by," I thought to myself.

Forty-five minutes later a short middle aged man came ambling down the sidewalk. This was my golden chance. I could definitely take this dude, and his suit was pretty snazzy so he had to have lots of cash on him. I pounced out right in front of him like a deadly puma and yelled...

Gimme some money man!
Him: "No Way! Get lost you bum!"
Me: "What? I'm not a bum I'm stealing your wallet!"
Him: "I'm not giving you shit mother fucker!"
Me: "C'mon man just give it to me!"
Him: "No!Get out of my way!"
Right here he shoved me to the side and began walking briskly away from me.
Me: "C'mon! I need it! PLEASE?"

He turned the corner and thus ended my career as a professional thief. Things didn't go so well as you can see which is weird because in Warcraft I'm like a lvl 50 rogue and I rule peoples faces all the live long day. If I had to do things over again I would have probably been much more forceful and physical with the guy. Threatening him would have helped. Also, I don't think muggers usually say please. And lastly I would have remember to cut a mouth hole into my hat.

I will finish the Possum Tony stuff another time if anyone cares. Strangely enough it ends in an amazingly similar way to the Battle of Gondor in The Lord of the Rings.