Pork Fried Idiot

Recently, during one of the numerous little comas I slip into during the day, I remembered a story I wanted to post here on this very blog page. Brace yourself, for the shame will scissor kick me in the face with the very first sentence.

So I met this girl on myspace, right. jqne9os3h9sr02bnr9rhr2

Ok so there I was on MySpace, delving into the world of social networking. As you all know the process of social networking involves searching for people who live near you that you think will look as good in real life as they do in their bizarrely angled photos. My strategy was to find a young lass who appeared to be attractive enough that I would want to make out with her, but at the same time not attractive enough that she would instantly know she was too good for me. I prefer women find that out after we make intercourse.

I wind up exchanging private messages with a girl named Debbie who was about a year older than me. I was worried she wouldn't respond at first because my first message contained the sentence, "I didn't know anyone under 45 was named Debbie these days." However, she found me quite amusing and after about a week or so of messaging each other, we decided we should meet up for some dinner and perhaps some hanging out. My first mistake was agreeing to go for Chinese food. I am a picky bitch when it comes to eating and there aren't many things I like at a chinese food place, but it was within walking distance of where I was so I took the lazy way out.

As I think back I get terrible douche chills because there is a distinct possibility I wore jean shorts for this date as well. The memory is hazy so I will assume I had jean longs on this time. I stand outside waiting for her at the restaurant feeling strangely calm. Usually I would be a walking nerve trembling in the neon glow of the Chang's Dynasty sign. Debbie popped up out of nowhere. I failed to see her walking towards me because I was too busy staring down wondering if the shirt I had on made my A-cups look noticeable. She didn't projectile vomit immediately, so we exchanged our salutations and got a table inside.

Chang's was mostly empty at this point of the night. I immediately scoured the menu for something that I would find edible so I wouldn't embarrass myself by telling the waiter, "Yeah I'll have the beef with broccoli, but can you hold the broccoli?" The conversation was borderline sparkling and I felt a pretty decent vibe going on. The waiter showed up and Debbie said, "I'm not that hungry I'll just have a small Tung Po Wok." Okay i don't remember what the hell she ordered. The point is, she wasn't having a real dinner, so now I could order some side dishes or appetizers that I actually liked!

"Yeah i think I'll just get some pork fried rice and some spare ribs," came out of my mouth with much glee.

Only about fifteen minutes or so of breezy conversation passed before the waiter returned with our food. He put down her Bun Chi Pai Man first, and then my plateof spare ribs. What followed however was a bit of a surprise. In the middle of the table the waiter placed this large serving bowl thing with a cover. When he removed said cover my face dropped at the sight of about 7 pounds of pork fried rice!

What the hell?! Did he think I wanted to eat this much rice? Oh God, did she think I wanted to eat this much rice? Shit it has scrambled eggs in it! I don't like eggs!

My coolness is completely shot now. I nervously spend the rest of the dinner eating from the giant rice pile whose presence in our country could only mean several small villages in China were starving that week. I begin to wonder if she thinks I'm weird for avoiding all the eggs. I also begin to realize how difficult it is to eat ribs while trying to look attractive and appealing to your date.

Eventually the eon that was dinner came to an end. The waiter came to take our plates and asked me if I wanted him to wrap up the bucket of rice that was still left there. "yeah sure," I blurted out without any thought. Whoops. Now I'm worrying she thinks I am some crazed rice fiend who sits at home watching movies while eating hand fulls of rice instead of popcorn. Ugh!

After dinner she suggests we go to get coffee. I don't drink coffee, but I agree. We sat around this coffee shop chatting away about nothing too interesting. It was alright.

We pulled up in front of my house in her car. I had a glimmer of hope Debbie might want to hang again. You never know. I tell her we should do this again some time and she says sure. As I get out of the car she reminds me that I have a garbage sack filled with rice in the car. I cringed and couldn't even bring myself to turn all the way around to fuck myself over with, "Oh nah you take it! it's the least I can do." And then I ran into my house.

Yeah...

After a couple of days Debbie informed me via MySpace private message that she didn't think going out again would be a good idea. That's fine I understood. However I thought it was a bit much when she posted a blog on her myspace page titled "Why Do I Always Attract Weirdos."