Right as I saw her my heart was filled with love, and my loins were filled with a bubbling lust as her hips swayed two and fro while she approached me. Once she was right in front of me I had to steady myself on a nearby wall or china cabinet. I can't remember what it was because I was staring at her face with my mouth agape like I just saw the Pope shit on my lawn.
Everything about her was perfect. Her hair was dark and flowing. Her eyes were smoldering with hidden passion, and her elbows were so smooth and lovely that if she drew nipples on them and held them together in front of her chest, they would be as fine as most women's breasts.
When I am in front of most women I get nervous as hell. Faced with this exquisite creature, I was surprised I hadn't run away and hid in my blanket fort. Surprisingly she started talking to me. The unthinkable happened! Not only was I able to have command over my power of speech, but I did it well enough that she offered to give me her phone number!
After handing me the slip of paper with the number that just surpassed my SSN as the most important number in my life on it, she said she had to get going and flashed this smile at me that was so insanely gorgeous that I was momentarily knocked backwards in time where I managed to high five Squanto before I made my way back to the present (what the?). As she turned to leave, I saw it.
She had the tail of a monkey sticking out of her body.
So obviously none of this long and drawn out story ever happened, but I was sitting up the other night wondering what I would do if the hottest woman I ever saw asked me out only to discover she had a monkey's tail.
I probably would at least go out with her and try to ignore the tail at first. I probably wouldn't be able to do that for very long if she did something like pull her chair out with it or hand me a banana. Yeah, the tail would definitely be functional and not just for show. The thought of making out with her and feeling the tail wrap around my arm or rub against my leg skeeves me the hell out.
Maybe I could get used to it though! I could get her to tuck it in her pants when we went out or wrap it around her waist so people think it's a furry belt of some sort. It wouldn't smell like a monkey, and she would keep it free of fleas and ticks. And she would have been born with it. It wasn't obtained through strange experiments in a lab or biochemical accident. You know, as long as she didn't have any other monkey traits or behaviors like a big swollen red baboon ass, I think I could do it!
Although there is no way I would be able to handle doggystyle no matter how interesting a tail could make it.
9 comments:
I dated a girl that threw her poo at me once. And that relationship lasted for over 3 months. So I guess there's hope for us all.
Hey, could the girl with the tail work at the carnival?
Carnie chicks rock!
The Vestigial Tail has been the subject of much debate.
If the unusual sexual possibilities don't attract you, what about the possibility that she could grab you a beer from the counter without either of you ever leaving the couch?
"If the unusual sexual possibilities don't attract you, what about the possibility that she could grab you a beer from the counter without either of you ever leaving the couch?"
I like the way this receptionist thinks...
I could dig a tail... a little tickle in the right spot at the right time...
LMAO Dang. Where do you come up with this stuff?
That was hilarious.
And next time you see her ask if she has a sister.
Thanks.
I don't know why, but this story about a piece of hot ass with a tail, reminded me of something I learned this weekend. My friend asked me if I knew what a "Shocker" was...I innocently answered "no"
He went on to inform me that a "Shocker" was when you take your index finger and pinky finger and stimulate two areas at once...and BAM! you got yourself a SHOCKER!!!!
Maybe this "shocker" technique can be used with a tail?
If it is a prehensile tail, then I'm all for it. That could make for all sorts of fun.
If it were just a limp piece of skin, I'd make her choose between it and me.
1) You could use the tail thing to chip away at her self esteem and trick her into deviant sex
2) She could climb the high trees for food
3) She could use it to ward off your natural enemies.
I don't see a downside here.
I'm so drawing two nipples on my elbows tonight.
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