Wednesday, January 4

Crisis in Africa

I was sitting around pondering the plight of our brothers across the globe recently. My eyes, as happens more often than not, turned to Africa. Life is difficult for so many there. Many of the problems there are widely known, but there is one that I don't think any of us ever consider.

Horror movies in Kenya must really suck.

These guys win every friggin marathon on the planet. They can't be caught to be murdered!

Picture a young Kenyan couple holding hands during a romantic walk through the woods. They gaze into eachothers eyes longingly and with lusty intentions! Suddenly before them appears a massive chainsaw wielding, machete toting, creepy masked psychopath!

The young man screams, "Bumburuka jana!!!" Which is Swahili for, " Run Bitch!!!" The two turn around and start running. The methodical killer follows them with murderous intent.

Forty-five minutes later our two young victims are halfway up Mt. Kilimanjaro as the psycho killer is bent over in the woods sucking wind with one hand on a tree to steady himself. Once again he has failed. He finds a log to sit down and rest on as he wonders how much a gym membership costs around there.

Who would ever go see a movie like this?

So next time you are sitting there watching some young topless girl get her tits sliced up at sleepaway camp, take a moment to think of those less fortunate than you across the ocean who will never be able to enjoy what we can.

9 comments:

Becky said...

Wow. This post is really thought provoking. Never once have I sat and thought about this. And I never plan to again. Ya know why? They got friggin elephant rides so I dont want to hear it.

Becky said...

Remind me to tell you about that one time Crystal ran through the woods screaming because she thought a pair of clean underware was after her. Ah gawd, that was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

We should send David Lee Roth over there. He can be the star of THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY III

0000 said...

Hah! Hilarious. And I can't believe I heard a "Gods must be crazy" reference...its like a bonus!

Jay said...

You had me laughing out loud...

Then, I pondered deeper. If I was going to make a Kenyan horror film, it would involve a begrudged witch doctor. People over there are superduperstitious.

Ting-tang-wadda-wadda-bing-bang

(Something compelled me to type that. I apoogize.)

v said...

Comic Gold man.

You're my new hero. My last hero was some cookie dough so it's probably not that great a designation but it is a compliment.

>>"Bumburuka jana!!!"<<

Hah.

Anonymous said...

Ryan, I read your story that you emailed Becky. Remind me to tell you about the time the same thing happened to Becky - only with a hot dog!!

Shavonne said...

Thanks for the laugh! I really needed it.

0000 said...

"Bumblebee Tuna, bumblebee tuna. Um, excuse me? Your balls are showing. Bumblebee tuna."