Tuesday, January 31

Yeah, that's right. I left my house!

So I'm at my friends house on Saturday, mooching a some free pizza. As it is heating itself in the microwave, I got to fetch myself a refreshing beverage. I choose Sprite.

I start opening her cabinets looking for a glass. There are no glasses. I yell, "Where the hell are your glasses," and she tells me they are right in front of my face. I have no idea what she is talking about. I see salt shakers, empty jars, a couple cereal bowls...

Wait a second...

As she walks into the kitchen , I reach intot he cabinet and snatch out one of the empty jars.

ME: You're kidding me right?

HER: What?

ME: This is not a glass!

HER: Sure it is. My boyfriend saved all of them. I drink out of them all the time.

ME: PHWOAR?!?!

At this point I am in awe of how incredibly ghetto this whole situation is. I can't imagine finishing a jar of jelly or pickles and deciding it would be a good idea to rinse that bastard out and put my chocolate milk in it.

I attempted to drink my Sprite out of it.

ME: Ugh

HER: What?

ME: There is no way Im drinking the rest of this.

HER: What's wrong?

ME: You didn't clean it well enough!

HER: What are you talking about retard?

ME: The Jar! My Sprite tastes weird!

HER: You're being a pussy

ME: Oh god I can taste the Marmalade!

I spill half a drink on myself when I'm enjoying it in a normal cup. With the awkward ridges of a jaw, I might was well just pour it all over my chin, chest and moderately tempting pant bulge.
I would rather sip a soda out of a bowl than drink it from a jar again, or maybe just pour it into my hands a little at a time and fling it down my gullet before it spills all over the floor.

This totally changed the way I look at my friend. I am convinced she is making moonshine in the bath tub and running it down to the deep south where her contact Uncle Jesse picks it up and spreads it across Hazzard County.

The whole experience was very jarring



I really hate myself

11 comments:

0000 said...

In high school I worked at Starbucks. One day some guy returned a travel mug he bought as the lid didn't seal. Well, some time later, I looked at it fixed the lid.

Now here's the part that I weep about fortnightly:

I threw it in the sanitizer at work and TOOK THE THING HOME!!! I don't even know why, as I wouldn't even drink milk three days before the expiration date, I was so germ conscious.

The worst part: Then next morning I had filled it with OJ and was driving to work. As I took a sip I SMELLED COFFEE. I had never put coffee in it and clearly it was from the other guy!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yeah, so I prolly have The Syph.

Jay said...

I guess having grown up in Texas has left me numb to this. There are actually full glass sets of bell jars that even have handles on them. Texans are encouraged to be trashy, you know. I'm pretty sure it's what we fought at the Alamo for.

v said...

Yeah, I was basically going to say what blog portland said. My first roommate in college had one of those jars with a handle. I still think it's kinda cool 'cause if you can't finish your beverage you can screw on a lid and put it back in the fridge. But yeah, I have no idea how people drink from them and don't spill half the contents. And yeah, this is definitely a Southern thing.

In India, where my parents were born, they use steel cups and plates.

That post was classic man ... especially when she called you a pussy and who remarked she makes moonshine.

>> ME: Oh god I can taste the Marmalade! <<

Hah. Comic Platinum.

RevRee said...

I too have seen these beautiful glass sets of bell jars that have handles on them. It's show cased at the local WalMart. Only $9.95 for a set of 24 glasses!

Sunrise said...

We used to use jars as cups in Canada too...Ours were usually them dumb dijon mustard jars with handles...come to think of it we still have one and I drink out of it often , because its small and its easy to just pour a shot of milk into...Sometimes the shot of milk sprays onto my face, other times it just dribbles down my chin, does milk do this to you also?

Ryan said...

So Texans, Iowans and Canadians routinely drink from jars.

I think that says it all

Chief Scientist said...

Bwa ha ha! Jarring! I am totally stealing that. And greetings from Japan. We had an earthquake when I was attempting to pick up a hostess who spoke no English. I've had better luck.

Anonymous said...

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
dude, when you get your props on oprahs book club, i hope she takes it all back and makes fun of you on her show for being such a liar

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